Nick Offerman Is Selling Hand-Carved Wooden Emojis That He Made Himself

Nick Offerman likes woodworking. Nick Offerman does not like ambiguity, modern communication and any form of convenience that makes us as a species collectively lazier.

Enter Nick Offerman’s Handcrafted Wood Emojis. Each one of these behemoths is, in his words, “lovingly carved out of solid oak” and weighs in the vicinity of 14 pounds (i.e. an oh-so-convenient 6.3 kg). Watch the full sales pitch here:

The ad originally ran as a joke segment on the consistently excellent Conan, but demand for the emojis was so high that they had no choice but to actually start making and selling the things. Now for a mere $US100 per emoji you too can start filling an industrial sack with heavy, impractical wooden faces, cats and poo with which to entertain and inform friends and significant others. And the best part: all the money goes to the Children’s Defence Fund, an advocacy and support group for underprivileged kids.

While the initial run of 100 units sold out in less than an hour, they’re due to release another allocation later today or tomorrow. So, I guess just open the page and keep refreshing. I mean, don’t you want to be able to give a loved one the following certificate this Christmas?

[NB. apparently the final unit only weighs 3 pounds or 1.35 kg per emoji, which is, I dunno, a little disappointing? I was really hoping to feel the heft of a bowling ball every time I deposited my smiling poo on the dinner table.]

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h/t Mashable