‘Neighbours’ Update: Everyone Has A Crush On Millsy, Hell Yeah

Things are getting sexy on Neighbours. Mad sexy. What’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen on television? Multiply that by 1,000. That’s how sexy Neighbours is getting.

So previously on Neighbours, Susan Kennedy was hanging out with Millsy, who is now a teacher at Erinsborough High. Millsy did not have a shirt on.

So, an unnamed character who lives in a hotel with a teen called Piper, gifted some mushroom tea to Piper and her boyfriend. Mushroom tea as in DRUG TEA. Highly illegal tea. Drugs.

This is fine, except that there were some communication problems. So when Piper told her pregnant sister, Paige, to help herself to tea and biscuits while she did backpackers admin, Paige drank the mushroom tea!

I don’t know, you would think Paige would be able to tell the difference between mushroom tea and Earl Grey, but apparently not.

So Paige is like guzzling this mushroom tea down, having a mad one and is progressively getting more and more high. She realises that she might be high when she looks at a text message and the emojis in the text message keep moving around the screen. Actually, even then she’s just sort of like, “Huh, cool feature”.

Paige is stoned!!

Anyway, while Paige is hallucinating in the Erinsborough backpackers, Mark the Police Man is having a stressful afternoon. Mark’s brow is furrowed because he’s reading the local Erinsborough newspaper, which says that a known criminal is vowing revenge on the mayor of Erinsborough. Wow, sounds pretty bad —

Wtf Sonya is the mayor of Erinsborough!!! How has this literally never come up before!

Wow, okay. So the criminal on the front of the paper apparently threatened Mayor Sonya and Mayor Sonya’s family (The Toadfish??). Mark is like, “Sonya does NOT need this rn” and his brother is like, “urgh can you relax for once”. It must be very dull to be Mark’s brother.

Mark says that he and Sonya’s bond has become stronger. He thinks this is probably down to the fact that he loves her. “Firstly wow,” says the brother. “Secondly: I’m still stuck at wow!”

Mark finds this reaction as annoying as I do.

Mark’s brother thinks it’s a terrible idea because they are best friends. Ever heard of the “friend zone”, Mark? You idiot, Mark! He tells Mark to just simmer down. But Mark doesn’t want it to simmer down. Mark wants it to boil right up.

“Ahhh… does she even like you back?” says Mark’s brother, who is obviously wondering how Mark could ever match up to the Toadfish. Mark reacts accordingly.

At the backpackers, Piper walks into the kitchen and is all, “Cool, how is everything going!” but her sister is now so high that she is conducting a conversation with some biscuits. Piper finds this behaviour highly suspicious, as biscuits cannot talk.

Piper calls Dr. Karl Kennedy immediately to check that Paige will not suffer any damage from ingesting mushroom tea. Piper feels responsible! She gives Dr. Karl a thermos of the rest of the tea to show how responsible she feels.

Dr. Karl understands that mistakes with mushrooms can happen sometimes and forgives her.

Paige’s baby daddy — who was formerly a priest but I guess isn’t a priest now because he’s wearing a salmon Uniqlo shirt — rocks up and literally growls at Piper, which is alarming.

“WHY DID YOU HAVE SPECIAL TEA LYING AROUND AT A BACKPACKERS!!!!” he says, when the question really should be how does Paige not know what tea is meant to taste like. I mean, this man also impregnated someone while he was a priest, so I think he should relax with the judgements.

At the other end of the suburb, Steph Scully and Toadfish Rebecchi are enjoying a cup of chino and discussing the newspaper. Steph Scully says that Sonya doesn’t want to go to work on account of the newspaper article about her. Toadie puts on a real threatening face and is like, “SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK TO TIM.”

Who is Tim?

Anyway Steph Scully is like, “We need to keep our cool” like there’s a chance that Toadie may murder this person named Tim. “Okay, I’m going to arrange a meeting with Tim,” says Toadie.

Steph Scully is like, “But I just said — urgh okay fine, let’s go meet Tim”. They meet Tim outside the café next to some postboxes.

Tim is a fancy and very sarcastic man. He smirks a lot at Steph and Toadie. “I was waiting by the phone for your call,” he says, because he is a man in a suit and obviously does not appreciate being harassed in the middle of the day by a man who exclusively wears bowling shirts.

Tim must be the editor of the local newspaper because he’s all, “Your estranged wife is the gift that keeps on giving, Toad” and sort of winks, so I guess he’s like the Rupert Murdoch of Erinsborough? Toadie is furious.

Toadie hates Tim. He says that going after Sonya is low. He reminds Tim of the ethics of journalism. Tim reminds him that his job to make “incompetent public servants” accountable. Toadie is like, “HOW DARE YOU!!” and then Tim suggests that Toadie’s kid is not really his, so Toadie shirtfronts him.

“Did anyone get that on tape?” says Tim.

“I did,” says an Erinsborough local, who is maybe also Tim’s employee. How good is journalism.

Toadie realises he has been set up by this slick media man. What a dog. How bad is journalism.

Hey, Millsy is in the hospital! A teenager named Xanthe (who must be doing work experience as a surgeon? I don’t know) says, “Hey did you know that Sharon Stone had an aneurysm?” and Millsy freaks out and is like, “I don’t want anyone to know that I have had an aneurysm“.

So that’s something.

Back at Sonya’s house, Sonya is reading her iPad and is furious. A story about Toadie beating up the editor of the local newspaper is already on the internet! Sonya is disgusted with Toadie, even though he was just defending her honour.

Steph is like, “HOW DARE YOU TOADIE IS A MAN OF HONOUR AND RESPECT” but then peters out because she doesn’t care that much, really.

Anyway, so Ellie the other hot teacher at Erinsborough High is having a midday cocktail, when Millsy approaches her and gets very serious. He explains that at the hospital he overheard that someone at the backpackers had given Piper some tea, and when Ellie looks confused he says, “not the kind you like, the dodgy stuff”.

Ellie is shocked to her core! But also seems deeply attracted to Millsy.

Millsy is deeply troubled by the fact that one of his students has access to drug tea. Ellie is like, “omg thank you so much Millsy” and rushes off to solve Erinsborough’s drug epidemic.

Ellie rushes to the hospital, which is presumably next door, and is like “Piper, this is a school matter now”. “But how,” says Piper. “It just is okay,” says Ellie.

Ellie says she’s going to tell the principal, Susan Kennedy. Everyone under 20 is deeply stressed.

Sonya goes to the police station and Toadie is like, “omg how nice, my wife!!” but Sonya “I only came in case you needed bail money”.

Sonya tells him to rack off. Toadie is sad :(

Anyway, Millsy is at one of the two eateries in town and is showing off some glasses that he probably doesn’t need.

Ellie finds him (he wasn’t at the other eatery) and is like “Thank you sooo much again, Millsy. Thank you for saving the youth”. She tells him she will tell Susan about the incident.

Millsy says, “That seems reasonable”. Ellie says, “Thanks. Bye”.

That is the end of the scene.

Back at Sonya and Toadie’s marital home, which Sonya has kicked Toadie out of, Toadie is either peering suspiciously out of a window or fixing a blind? It’s confusing. Sonya is about to walk into the house and sees the blind move. She freaks out that someone is in her house.

“SOMEONE IS IN MY HOUSE,” she says to a person on the phone, who is of course Mark.

“There’s no one here Sonya,” says Mark when he arrives. Sonya is still unsure, so Mark suggests that he sticks around for a while. “That sounds like a good idea, Mark,” she says.

Then Sonya mentions that she hasn’t slept in ages. Mark is like, “Would it help if I lay next to you Sonya, as platonic friends?” “Yes it would, thank you so much, Mark,” she says.

Night falls and the two mates are in the bed being mates. Sonya wonders if this kind of behaviour is a bit irregular. Mark explains that it is not irregular because they are best friends!

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s Entertainment Editor. She tweets at @sineadstubbins and you can read more of her Neighbours updates here.