Your sexuality makes up a big deal of your identity. Whether you’re straight, queer, asexual or anything in between, your sexy thoughts will eventually mould a little part of you. They’ll guide you through your future relationships, self-esteem and confidence.

Sex ed in Australia is abysmal, making the only way to learn more about penetrative sex through internet porn. And let’s be real, the only way to learn something is to do it. So honey bee, Mama Pasha is gonna help you have good, wholesome, educational sex.

Masturbate, Masturbate, Masturbate

To start off, how do you know what makes your toes curl if your toes don’t curl? Masturbating is the cheapest way to have fun, and the easiest way to know if you’re into alien impregnation. As much as I hope and wish and cry at night, no one will ever please you like you (and the showerhead) can, and you can’t let your mind (or browsing history) stray when you’re with your partner. Well, you can, but like, rude.

Auditioning the finger puppets lets you know what turns you on, and is scientifically proven by actual science people to heighten your sex drive, lowers your stress levels and strengthens your immune system. 

Talk About Things You Like

The best way to explore stuff with a sexy partner is to talk to them. Sex is just a thing people do with each other, and doesn’t really need to be put on such a huge pedestal, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you’re about to have sex with, about sex, then maybe you shouldn’t be fucking them.

It’s as easy as saying, “Hey Idris Elba, I was thinking it might be fun to try this fruit-themed sex game I came up with in a dream. Thoughts?” That said, prepare to get some stuff knocked back. I would love to wrap my boyfriend in latex and ride him like a sexy horse, but we both know that won’t ever happen. And that’s OK.

Have Sex When You Wanna Have Sex

If I wanna fuck, I’m gonna fuck, and if some op shop smelling dude doesn’t want me because of my body count, I’m sure he’ll die alone someday. You’re in uni, you’re probably under 30, and you’re beautiful. You have your best life to live, and you should get filled up/filling when the mood strikes. The concept of virginity and notches on the bedpost is entirely a social construct made by crusty white dudes with some weird religious beef with harlots and becoming “of one flesh” a billion years ago.

At the end of the day, sex is a deeply personal thing. I love talking about all the gross stuff I do with my vagina, but if your freak flag is smaller and more behind closed doors, never fear! You can have all the grotesque sexual encounters you desire, and better to do them while you’re young, hot, single, and not resistant to antibiotics.

(Lead image: To-Do List/Varsity Pictures)