‘MKR’ Finale Recap: Throw Away Your Fancy Cuisines, I Yearn For A Soup Of Peas

My Kitchen Rules. What a show! All those dinner parties and kitchens. All those cooking tasks that determine who in fact ‘rules’. Manu, etc.

Look, I’m going to level with you: this is the first MKR episode I have watched this season, unless watching the video of the Bad Contestant swearing at that woman counts. I’m guessing it doesn’t.

But if MasterChef has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you only need to watch the finale to get the gist of the thing. And this is the gist I got: peas. If you’re not liquifying peas, get outta here. You’ll never make it as a chef. PEAS.

Anyway, the two teams who have made it to the MKR grand final are a mother and daughter called Valerie and Courtney, and a pair called Amy and Tyson who I thought were a couple but are actually siblings. Make of that what you will!

They all seem to be very nice people who have been worked to the point of exhaustion, feeding two rich man sauces smeared on white plates, while a Chainsmokers song booms in the background.

We’re told that it has been quite a journey. The producers show a montage of people in aprons crying. The voiceover tells us there have been some lows between the “intoxicating highs” of the program. Who is watching MKR like “I am losing control of my faculties because I am fucking drunk on this show about novice cooks burning pastry, I have never felt more exhilarated in my life than when it was revealed they were using store-bought curry paste”?

So the contestants walk into a pitch-black room which contains many urns with open flames. If this was Game of Thrones, this is the kind of room you’d walk into and then be promptly decapitated. “Wow!” the contestants say to each other.

None of the contestants can believe that they are here. Manu reminds them that it is the MKR final, which is why he is wearing a suit and is surrounded by urn fires. “Your dreams can come true,” Pete says vaguely, his face stiff and dehydrated from constantly ingesting salty bone broth between takes.

“Valerie and Courtney! Your dishes have been refined over generations,” says Pete. “Amy and Tyson! You both have intense eye contact. LET’S COOK!”

The competition has changed everyone! Amy says that Tyson has let go of his anger. The way she describes Tyson pre-competition suggests to me that she only decided that she liked her brother very recently.

“Tyson is it true, are you no longer angry man?” says Manu.

“It is true,” says Tyson.

The contestants run to their stations! They have five hours to cook five dishes or something, I don’t know! Tyson and Amy say that they have “never been considered normal” so will obviously make some wild and wacky food for the judges. Wahey! I wonder what weirdo stuff these guys —

Oh, they’re just making some truffle and parmesan thing. “That’s so Amy and Tyson!” says Amy.

Amy is also preparing a ham hock to put in a pea soup. “Sometimes they do classic flavour combinations and sometimes they do not,” says Pete Evans of the siblings. Pete makes observations that are so obvious, that he is either the most boring human on planet Earth or he is a robot who is struggling to understand human cues.

Anyway, while handling the hock, Amy suggests that Tyson should answer “Yes, chef” anytime she asks him to do something. Luckily, Tyson is not an Angry Man anymore, so displays his good humour by staring at Amy unblinkingly for a long time and then looking determinedly at the bench.

The contestants are starting to get stressed, which means it’s time for the producers to send in their families right when they’re all vulnerable and sweaty. Everyone starts crying. That’s a lie, Tyson does not start crying. “Our mum is very emotional, I don’t have time for that,” he says.

You know what I have time for? Tyson’s brother’s whimsical moustache.

Anyway, the old contestants are now brought in to intimidate the finalists and make them ruin their food. Everyone pretends to be happy to see each other. “Hashtag grand final!” Amy says as they pass, as if there was any confusion as to what this event was.

“Are you guys ready for the grand final!?” says one dude from the balcony. This is the dude who called Amy a “bitch” that time. “WE’RE IN IT MATE!!!!!” says Amy.

Everyone gets on so well.

Valerie and Courtney are making samosas! They seem concerned about overwhelming people with their “spice journey”. Cooking for white people must be annoying. Manu and Pete think their choice to do samosas is highly “traditional” and smart.

“Valerie and Courtney have got their secret spices, we have white truffle,” says Tyson. Everyone is being annoying.

“YOU SHOULD BE PLATING RIGHT NOW,” Manu screams. Manu is mad hungry. Some famous chefs assemble to taste these tiny portions, while the contestants lie on the wooden floor and attempt a three-minute power nap.

“This is the biggest night of the year!” Pete Evans says. Guy Grossi makes a face that suggests that he doesn’t even consider this the biggest night of his week.

Guy calls the samosa a “zingy little number”. Manu’s tastebuds are “dancing on [his] tongue”! One of the losing contestants describes it as an “Indian pizza”. So there you go. The judges then eat the other dish, which they all chew really loudly and disgustingly. Colin Fassnidge says that Amy and Tyson’s parmesan thing is “petite and easy on the eye”.

Well done everyone!

Now it’s time to do their second course. The old contestants clap and say “WELL DONE” while trying to quell the bitter taste of jealousy. Valerie and Courtney, true angels on this earth, are so relaxed. Amy and Tyson, two extremely talented cooks, are smug and happy. The clock counts down. We are all closer to the grave.

Hey Valerie and Courtney are making pea soup! Cool, sounds good. But hang on one red hot minute — Amy and Tyson are also making pea soup. Holy smokes!

I’ve never seen two people more happy than Pete and Manu telling the contestants that they are both making pea soup. “They’re making pea soup too!!!!!” says Manu in sadistic glee to Valerie. “You know they’re making pea soup… awkward!!!!!” says Pete to Amy.

They’re loving it.

“This is the battle of the peas!” says someone in the balcony. “This is going to be a defining moment of the competition, actually comparing pea soup to pea soup,” says Pete, who being unable to ingest human food lest his circuits short out, can only dream about what a liquified pea tastes like.

Both teams ladle globs of green liquid onto white bowls. The task is done! Now the pea soups must be served to the judges.

First to be judged is Amy and Tyson’s pea soup. Colin says they have refined a “peasant style food”. You don’t hear the word “peasant” much these days, do you. They decide that Valerie and Courtney’s pea soup is also very pleasant. “It takes me to the spice markets!” says Guy.

This is a win for cooking, a win for MKR and a win for the pea.

IT’S TIME TO GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN, TIME FOR THE THIRD COURSE! The theme for the third course seems to be “demons of the deep”. The siblings are cooking marron. The Bad Contestant explains to the other contestants what marron is. No one listens to him.

Valerie and Courtney are cooking mackerel. No one can believe how calm they are and everyone seems very suspicious of them. As if the producers were also concerned about this, Valerie spontaneously gets her husband down to taste some sauce, but then cries when he is down there.

“I’m loving this competition right now,” says Pete, trying to remind himself to blink.

“Really?” says Manu.

“ONE MINUTE LEFT,” Manu bellows. Everyone stops spooning their delicate sauces over tiny seafood. Courtney, who probably has not slept in three months, starts to cry. Judging time!

The chefs eat Tyson and Amy’s marron first. “It’s a mover,” says Karen Martini. I’m not even sure what that means. Anyway, they like it. Pete says that that standout aspect of Valerie and Courtney’s mackerel is the sauce. Unfortunetly, the sauce is so good that the judges are upset that they were not given more sauce.

“You know I love sauce!” says Manu. Everyone laughs. They do know that.

Well, it must be the end now so — oh holy shit they still have two dishes to cook. Pete and Manu do not seem like they are having a nice time now. They keep flailing their limbs around and making loud noises, but do not go near the contestants.

Amy and Tyson are making veal and marrow and other meats. “We love to use different cuts of meat,” says Tyson. “This is a very Amy and Tyson dish.” Using every piece of the animal carcass is an extremely Amy and Tyson thing to do.

Valerie and Courtney are making pork vindaloo. Occasionally when we see Valerie and Courtney cooking this weird music comes on like a keyboard setting of ‘mysterious foreign tune’, even when they’re like, slicing cabbage.

They are taking special care to make lots of raita so the pale Anglo tastebuds of the judges do not spontaneously catch flame. “Their strongest dishes are curries,” says Pete to Manu. Okay Pete, good grief.

UH OH the food processor isn’t working!!! Tyson needs his breadcrumbs and the food processor isn’t working!! Tyson is on the edge of losing it. Suddenly the ex-contestants on the balcony start clapping and yelling, “ANGRY! ANGRY!” as if they can will Tyson into having a temper tantrum and start throwing food processors around the room.

This show is savage, man.

Time is up! Both teams pour salty liquid in bowls. The judges eat the vindaloo first because it looks much yummier. They think it’s “wonderful” and “nuanced”. The judges describe the vindaloo like it’s a film by Alejandro G. Iñárritu.

They start to eat Amy and Tyson’s meaty offcuts meal and for some reason very creepy Twin Peaks-esque music starts playing. MKR makes some extremely shady musical choices. Manu thinks that their sauce is good! Karen thinks it’s the best meal she’s eaten in eight years of doing the show! “Wow!” the judges say.

If you think they’re not still cooking, well you’re wrong. They are still cooking. Now they are cooking dessert. Everyone is so tired. Everyone wants the prize money. Amy and Tyson are basically making a mint slice. Valerie and Courtney are making pistachio kulfi.

Everyone is so excited and nervous. They scream and wail. One woman does shaka hands with abandon.

The desserts are served! The judges think that Amy and Tyson’s deconstructed mint slice is “spectacular” and “faultless”. Colin says it reminds him of “childhood memories” because presumably he ate a lot of crystallised mint leaves in his childhood. They find the pistachio kulfi “inviting” and “playful”.

“It’s so creamy,” says Manu, licking his chops.

Pete is like “omg who are we going to pick as the winner???” Then they pick Tyson and Amy! Everyone is pretty pleased with this.

See you next year, MKR!

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s Entertainment Editor. She tweets at @sineadstubbins.