I’m Going To Need Everyone To Slow Down With All These Music Biopics

I love a good music biopic. Even a halfway decent story accompanied by iconic songs will do the job.

But, in my opinion, there are too many music biopics and they need to stop right away. You know what I’m talking about. You can’t toss a sack of lizards around here without hitting a new music biopic. There are so many that people are wondering (publicly) if music biopics are the new superhero films.

I feel like all I’ve been doing is watching very… okay music biopics. Bob Marley: One Love, Maestro (Leonard Bernstein), Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen), Rocketman (Elton John), Elvis (Elvis Presley), Priscilla (Priscilla Presley). Can we make a movie that isn’t a music biopic? Does that happen anymore?

No. It doesn’t.

There’s going to be one about Michael Jackson. Did you know that? Apparently, it’s called Michael and it’s going to cover the King of Pop’s very “complicated” life. It’s also being produced by the Jackson estate and Michael’s real-life nephew is playing him in the movie so I’m not sure how “complicated” it’s going to get. Either way, the trailer seems to have “electrified” an audience at CinemaCon. 

In addition to Michael, there are 659 music biopics “in the works”. I wish I was exaggerating.

The Amy Winehouse Back to Black biopic opened this week. The trailer was all people needed to see to get very angry.

There’s going to be a Linda Ronstadt biopic starring Selena Gomez. I’ve already gone on record about the importance of Linda’s music and the importance of Selena not messing this up for me.

There’s the Bob Dylan one that Timothée Chalamet’s shooting right now called A Complete Unknown.

A biopic about The Beatles? Great! In four parts? Hold on.

Martin Scorsese is directing a biopic about the Grateful Dead starring Jonah Hill.

There’s one called Piano Man about Billy Joel, who said “I don’t think so” when asked if the movie could feature his music. 

The Bee Gees. Wait, the Bee Gees? Yep, the Bee Gees.

Karma Chameleon is about Boy George and Culture Club.

If you were thinking to yourself, “Hey, what about Sublime?” Well, you can calm down. Sublime is getting one too.

Instead of making The Beatles one a five-parter, John Lennon and Yoko Ono are getting their own biopic.

There’s one about Keith Moon, the drummer for The Who.

Angelina Jolie is going to play the opera singer Maria Callas, which actually sounds like it’ll be really weird so I’m into it. 35 stars.

Beautiful is about Carole King and based on a Broadway musical I’ve never heard of.

Okay, fine. If we’re just going to put out three thousands music biopics a year, here are some other subjects we should cover:

Ace of Base

Nickelback

Ja Rule

Good Charlotte

Bananas in Pyjamas

Hannah Montana

Lydia Tar

Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem

Forrest Gump

Gustav Mahler

Mary Poppins

The Phantom of the Opera

The Wiggles

Miss Piggy

Hugh Grant

Burt Reynolds

J Robert Oppenheimer

The Ghostbusters

Moses

Helen Hunt

Sandra Bullock

The Transformers

Sylvester Stallone

Shakira

Madonna 

Ginger Rogers

Grace Jones

Grace from Will & Grace

Scooby Doo

Thor

Ryan Gosling

And there certainly needs to be a movie about the Cantina Band. We have no choice but to assume there’s a great story behind this beloved group. No choice whatsoever.

Nick Bhasin is the Managing Editor of Junkee. His debut novel, I Look Forward to Hearing from You, published by Penguin Random House Australia, is out now. Follow him on Instagram or Twitter (he’s not calling it X).

Image: Kevin Mazur / Lionsgate