We Got A Bunch Of Melbourne International Comedy Fest Comedians To Brutally Roast Themselves
"She looks like a female Elon Musk," -- Gen Fricker, about Gen Fricker.
The Melbourne International Comedy Festival has kicked off, which means that the comedians are currently swarming.
After a year of office managers booking comedians to awkwardly entertain their staff on Zoom calls, it couldn’t be a better time to support your favourite local acts, check out someone you’ve never seen, and enjoy live comedy now that you’re legally allowed to again. Full disclosure: I’m also one of those “local acts” — though more likely one of the “someone you’ve never seens” — joining the ranks of those performing after a very long time spent inside. If it helps, I’m very sorry about it!
A heap of the shows in the program were cancelled last year as the country went into lockdown, so you can only imagine how much time this material has spent going around and around in someone’s mind.
Fortunately it can now be unleashed on the general public, so to get into the spirit, we’ve asked a bunch of great acts in the festival to participate in the traditional comedy roast — this time, of themselves.
The best way to discover whether they’re being too harsh or not harsh enough? Go see some shows!
So, here’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival artists roasting themselves:
Lauren Bok
“Lauren Bok is such a middle child she doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. It’s all just attention to her, your honour.”
It’s a Long Way to the Bok (If You Wanna Sausage Roll), 12-18 April at the Butterfly Club
Gen Fricker
“She looks like a female Elon Musk.”
Gen Fricker, 6-18 April at Swiss Club and Melbourne Town Hall
Michelle Brasier
“Michelle is so obsessed with being nice she gave her scammer $60 and three free therapy sessions (and never got that Pilates reformer). “
Average Bear, 6-18 April at Comedy Republic
Geraldine Hickey
“You took a lot of photos of birds last year and made a calendar. Curious to know, what day on the calendar did you mark down that you’d finally quit comedy.”
What a Surprise, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Melbourne Town Hall
Dilruk Jayasinha
“Dilruk recently lost over 40kg of weight very quickly. Now his beach body looks like a Salvador Dali painting.”
Victorious Lion, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Melbourne Town Hall
Alanta Colley
“Alanta’s not quite a scientist, and she’s not quite a comedian, but she seems to believe if she has a crack at delivering both simultaneously no one will notice. We do notice Alanta. We do.”
On the Origin of Faeces, 29 March – 4 April at the Butterfly Club
Patrick Collins
“Patrick is like a Ska band. They’re very loud, have a small but very dedicated fan base and really love Ska music.”
I’m Not a Mime, 5-18 April at the Butterfly Club
Claire Sullivan
“Tbh I feel that the Adelaide Advertiser roasted me the most in their review of a lineup show I was in, in which in one paragraph they called me a “textbook quirky girl” who’s “hilarious” and also “questionable”. So if I were roasting myself I’d just quote that review heheh.”
Toast Rat, 23 March – 4 April (no Mondays) at Storyville
Charlie Zangel
“Charlie Zangel is so fucking gay, even Baz Luhrmann was like ‘wow you need to tone it down’.”
Cockatiel, 24 March – 5 April at Comedy Republic
Emma Holland and Frankie McNair
Frankie: I look like I do cabaret.
Emma: Frankie looks like she does cabaret.
Emma’s Debutante, 8-10 and 15-17 April at Comedy Republic
Alex Jae
“I got a Michael Jackson tattoo when I was 18. There’s no punchline. That’s the roast.”
No Sorry, You Go, 24 March – 4 April at the Imperial Hotel
Jude Perl
“Jude Perl can talk about a single mundane micro-trauma she experienced 20 years ago for an entire hour and never get bored of her own neurosis … If only the audience could find it as interesting as she does…”
Participation Award, 22 March – 4 April at the Butterfly Club
Nina Oyama
“Nina Oyama is constantly making jokes about how bad her depression is. Well, Nina if it’s that bad, then why hasn’t it worked yet?”
Is Doing Me Right Now, 24 March – 5 April at Comedy Republic
Chris Ryan
“There’s a striking woman… past her prime; why does she look like 1985 George Michael?”
Big Hair, Big Dreams, 6-18 April at Comedy Republic
Luka Muller
“Luka Muller has the look and vibe of someone who’s kids will definitely call him by his first name.”
Old / New / Other, 5-17 April (no Mondays) at the Imperial Hotel and Loop Bar
Alex Ward
“Alex looks like a science teacher that tries to impress the kids by longboarding to work.”
As You Live and Breathe, 6-18 April at Comedy Republic & Tropical Strength (with Cameron Duggan), 30 March – 4 April at the Coopers Inn
Scout Boxall
“Much like a medieval friar, Scout’s entire personality is nested in their bowl cut.”
Good Egg, 25 March – 4 April (no Wednesdays) at Trades Hall
Jordan Barr
“Jordan carries herself like a washed-up child star, however, she’s never been a child or a star.”
Zombie, 22-28 March at the Butterfly Club
Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall & Andy Matthews
“If there’s one thing worse than engineers trying to do comedy, it’s comedians trying to do engineering – and these guys are both.”
Teleport, 5-18 April (no Wednesdays) at Trades Hall
Kit Richards
“If you asked Kit Richards to write 5 minutes of stand up, she’d probably give you a gimmicky song instead.”
Scandal! A Reflection on Essendon’s Doping Saga: The Musical?, 25 March – 4 April at Trades Hall
Greg Larsen
“The only thing higher than my cholesterol is my inflated ego. And also my blood pressure. In all seriousness my doctor told me I’m slowly eating myself to death and it’s going to kill me sooner rather than later.”
This Might Not Be Hell, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Melbourne Town Hall
Alice Tovey
“Alice is so white, when she was asked to check her privilege, she asked if it would be stored in the overhead storage compartment.”
Doggo, 2-11 April at the Butterfly Club
Big Big Big
“The members of Big Big Big look like three phases of an animorph. Guess who is furthest along.”
Catching Jack, 25 March-14 April (Thursdays-Sundays) at the Improv Conspiracy
Luke Heggie
“As a comedian, you make a good builder’s labourer.
(Then I would put whoever said that in the ground).”
Lowbreed, 25 March – 18 April at European Bier Café
Lizzy Hoo
“You’re the ALDI version of Ali Wong, you look similar but you’re not as good.”
Hoo Dis?, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Melbourne Town Hall
Stuart Daulman
“This guy is clearly a duck – not like the old adage of being all calm and paddling away under the water, but like a literal duck – he doesn’t chew but swallows, eats a lot of bread and shits by lakes. He’s an actual duck fuck, a fucking duck.” (then laughing ensues from the celebs pretending to actually know me. I’m not a duck. This person doesn’t know me, I’m more goose than duck, and anyone who actually knows this would know this too, but yeah very funny Anthony Jeselnik haha got me good).”
The Stuart Daulman Farewell Reunion Show, 25 March – 18 April (no Wednesdays) at Trades Hall
Annie and Lena
“Annie and Lena have been told to stop putting themselves down so much, especially when marketing their Comedy Festival show, so they’re legally not allowed to answer this one.”
This Is Our Show, 29 March – 4 April at the Butterfly Club
Nath Valvo
“If Nath and his boyfriend Cody ever have a baby – let’s just use Cody’s sperm.”
Chatty Cathy, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Max Watt’s
Grace Jarvis, Bronwyn Kuss & Urvi Majumdar
“Most likely to go on a date with a man in medieval garb, you’re like if an anxiety disorder grew legs and started bothering people on the street.”
For a Good Time Call, 25 March – 18 April (no Wednesdays) at Trades Hall
Aurelia St Clair
“Aurelia St Clair is the kind of person who tells you the secret to staying in shape is ordering Diet Coke with a Big Mac meal.”
Woke 2.0, 6-18 April (no Mondays) at the Victoria Hotel
Matt Stewart
“Looks like Ned Kelly finally got his arts degree…”
Nostalgia Was Better When I Was A Boy, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at the Victoria Hotel
Bec Charlwood
“Bec identifies as a strong feminist, which is ironic for someone who built a career on talking about dicks.”
Dirty Girl, 25 March – 4 April (no Mondays) at the Westin One
Nat Harris & Hannah Camilleri
“Double acts are a warning sign for mildly talented and codependent performers.”
Pét-Nat + Han ah Chocolat, 26 March – 18 April (Fridays to Sundays only) at TIC Swanston
Sami Shah
“Sami looks like his wife left him for a younger man with a bigger penis three months after the wedding, and he’s written a show about it to compensate.”
Cuck, 24 March – 5 April at Comedy Republic
Lou Wall
“Lou’s Mum named them after a toilet, cause they are white, and full of shit.”
That One Time I Joined the Illuminati, 6-18 April (no Mondays) at Storyville
Woah, Alyssa!
“Woah, Alyssa! are two loud and confident f-words who always give off the energy that they’re looking for a third, which they could definitely get if they put a paper bag over their personalities!”
Woah, Alyssa! 3, 25-27 March and 1-3 April at Comedy Republic
Lloyd Langford
“The worst thing to happen to Wales since the Japanese fishing industry.”
Jazzed, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Swiss Club and Melbourne Town Hall
Sam Taunton
“Sam Taunton is smart, cute, funny and is really good at sex! (sorry I don’t know what a roast is).”
Rooster, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at the Westin One
Lauren Bonner
“I have red hair and my last name is one letter away from boner. Isn’t that enough?”
Heartbreaker, 25 March – 4 April at Mantra on Russell
Damien Power
“Damien’s so intense I’d rather look directly into the sun than make eye contact with him.”
Regret Man, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Melbourne Town Hall
Blake Everett and Oliver Coleman
Oliver says, “I’m gonna roast you so good. With lemon and tarragon. Yummm.”
Blake says: “that’s not what the question meant, Oliver, you fucking dumb c%#t.”
Dig Their Own Graves, 6-18 April (no Mondays) at Storyville and Trades Hall
Hot Department
Lewis Garnham
“You move slowly like an elephant, but unlike elephants your brain capacity doesn’t counterbalance your lack of speed.”
The Worst Train I’ve Ever Built, 25 March – 18 April (no Mondays) at Greek Centre
Scott is a writer and comedian. His work has appeared in Vice, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Comedy Central, The Suburban Review, Westerly, MTV, SBS Comedy and others, and his Comedy Festival show The Last Blockbuster on Earth is running Fridays to Sundays from 18 March – 26 April at TIC Swanston.