‘Masked Singer Australia’ Recap: Kitten Must Sing ‘WAP’, Unless It Is A Cowardly Cat

Alright, so we’ve now unmasked four Masked Singers: Mark Philippoussis, Michael Bevan, Christine Anu and Katie Noonan. I love how this show doesn’t even pretend to eliminate the contestants off talent — it’s purely just a scale of how much money they cost per episode/their fame level.

With that in mind, you can pretty much pick the order — when it came down to Sloth and Wizard getting the chop tonight, it was clear that Noonan comes before Isiah Firebrace. And, so it is.

Tonight, we saw the fabber five compete — this is the more talented of the two groups, and better yet, there’s no Karamo of the bunch.

Or Antoni, in that none of them are hot enough to send me into an existential spiral — Hughsey might disagree though, as he’s clearly horny for Cactus’s pricklies. Urzila, meanwhile, is hot for literally every masked singer, which makes me a little sad, as did her guessing Susan Boyle for the second week in a row.

Anyway, let’s get guessing. While I have no proof, you will just have to believe my giant brain when I say I decided that Sloth was Katie Noonan this episode, even if last week I did say it couldn’t possibly be her because Sloth was clearly not a singer. Sorry Katie, but I guess you butchered Lizzo on purpose, because it certainly took me off the trail.

Anyway, now we’re up to the likes of Anu and Noonan, it’s clear the sports stars are out of the way. Things are getting a little more interesting (less sporty).

Bushranger

Bushranger comes out and sings ‘Poker Face’ by Lady Gaga — clearly, we’re not dealing with a Little Monster, as this is the best opportunity one could have to get those Artpop streams up.

This means I will have to lecture Bonnie Anderson about Gaga’s most misunderstood album, as this is 100 percent the Neighbours star. Last week, the clues matched, and they do again here: she’s a country gal whose Neighbours character almost married Patrick who is actually Finn Kelly (Milsy of Masked Singer S1, no less), a murderous guy who pushes her in a well?? Shout out to the incredibly detailed Neighbours wiki character bios; you’ve saved my life more than once.

Her bonus clue stated she is the voice of one of the most famous sounds in Australia: Anderson sings the Neighbours theme. Done deal.

Wizard

This Wizard sings Gotye’s ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’, which prompts me to believe this is my mum, who likes to hum this song a lot. She also told me she “hates” this show when I talked to her earlier tonight (actually her exact words were “I can’t can’t can’t cant with that awful show”), which is Sophie Monk-level of misdirect. Christine Richards, I see you.

Alternatively, it is Isiah Firebrace, as I said last week. One of the two. Working in Isiah’s favour is a clue about famous Murrays — the Wiggle clues are so overt they’re obviously a misdirect, but Isiah, as per his own website, “[hails] from just outside Melbourne, along the banks of the Murray River”.

There’s also a line about ‘Don’t Come Easy’, which is one of his songs — and a reference to his greatest success being abroad is probably a Eurovision reference.  In my mother’s favour, it’s possible she once dated someone called Murray, and uh, I don’t want to think about the rest.

Kitten

Kitten’s performance of ‘The Day You Went Away’ by Wendy Matthews makes Jackie O cry because she misses her daughter, which leads me to question whether her daughter has gone missing because she’s competing on the show?

It’s a stretch of the term ‘celebrity’, but probably no more than my mother being Wizard, though CH10’s budget cuts are coming hard and fast. (speaking of, I would love to see Tim Bailey behind a mask next year).

This is easily the weirdest performance of the night — an emotionally stirring song sung with genuine feeling, coming forth from a giant pink kitten parading around a milk bowl. It’s everything Cats should have been.

I love working on a show that pays thousands of dollars for a giant bowl of milk to use as a set piece for 90 seconds of telly. #MaskedSingerAU

— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) August 18, 2020

References to cold temperament and taking meds see Hughsey make the same off-colour joke about Britney Spears not once but twice, but it has me thinking it’s Julia Morris. She’s been pretty candid about working through anger management issues as of late — albeit not with medicine, though that could just be a classic Masked Singer exaggeration. The line about cashing in at Vegas also suggests her, as it’s where she married her husband back in 2005.

But more than the voice or any one clue, it’s the demeanour on-stage and the ridiculous purring that screams Morris. And you know she’d do it, too.

Cactus

Cactus sings Charli XCX’s ‘I Love It’, but forgets to scream, “Does anyone fucking know this fucking song?? What the fuck! I thought this fucking song was big in Germany! What the fuck are you doing??”. All that tells me is that Cactus isn’t a twink, which we already knew from the mini-cactus titties — no, I am still not over it.

Last week, I guessed it was Lucy Durack, and it all makes sense: she’s met royalty (has sung for the queen), and the lines about having to watch her back for someone waiting for her job is a reference to Showgirls-styled understudy sabotage. Hopefully, Australian theatre isn’t that brutal, but who knows what terrifying things happened backstage at Legally Blonde: The Musical?

Sherlock Minogue may be ‘nowhere near the trace’, but Sherlock Mi-Naaman Zhou from The Guardian is — he points out that Cactus’ clue about being “modern all the way through” is a pun about her role in Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Time will tell. See you next week.

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Masked Singer Australia is on Channel 10 each Monday and Tuesday at 7.30pm AEST, and available to stream on 10Play.

Jared Richards is a staff writer at Junkee, and on Twitter.