‘Love Island’ Recap #6: The Bedroom Smells Like Farts
It's just a bit of banter.
Hold onto your butts, because there are only five episodes of Love Island left! I CAN’T BLOODY BELIEVE IT EITHER!!!
I mean, this is really something. Only five more episodes of television producers stitching up influencers and making them fight with each other! Oh man, what a wild ride it has been.
Remember this time?
Haha, classic.
Yep, it has been a show alright.
Tayla and Grant are officially boyfriend and girlfriend! This means everything and also nothing. Grant gives Tayla flowers to solidify the partnership and then all the contestants stand in a weird circle and congratulate the pair for staying together “through the ups and downs”. Hmm.
Then everyone starts dancing in slow motion and they throw one of the guys in the pool. I wonder if there was even any music playing.
“No offence but we didn’t think you’d make it because Grant is a cheater, so happy for you though!!!”
It is such fun to be young.
Oh, what fun it is to act a bit silly sometimes.
“Bloody hell I’m in the pool!!!”
Tayla and Grant take a time out from all the frivolity and sit on a banana lounge. “I cannot tell you how excited I am to start our life together,” says Tayla. Grant agrees. They make out vigorously on the banana lounge. Two men, just out of focus, continue their conversation. Perhaps they’re talking about NSW senator David Leyonhjelm making sexist comments recently in parliament.
“I just think that our nation’s representatives should adhere to a certain code.”
Oh, hello! Here is a man named ‘Mark’! Millie tells Amelia that she likes Mark and Mark seems to like her, which means she will inevitably push him away. “I push men away,” says Millie. “Me too,” says Amelia. “I don’t trust when boys like me,” says Millie. “Me too,” says Amelia. Realising that Amelia is agreeable, Millie gives her the task of gathering intel to figure out if Mark will kiss her. She whispers a script to Amelia.
The plot is set. A man will be conquered this night. Both women sip water out of their monogrammed water bottles in triumph.
Yum, water.
Meanwhile, Erin and Eden play hide and seek. Erin counts as Eden runs. Eden runs SO fast that it is legitimately surprising. Eden’s muscles are so pronounced and dense that it looks as though giant pythons have wrapped themselves around his skeleton and his skin just grew over the pythons, and yet he runs as if he is made of wisps of vapour.
Eden hides in Josh’s bed and is frustrated when Josh doesn’t immediately understand the game. “Lie on top of me, you idiot!!!” he yells at Josh. Josh panics and tries to lie on top of this enormous python man.
“Hehe!”
“Now I’m over here!”
“I love to hide, what fun.”
Once intelligence has been gathered, Millie decides to hit on Mark. She taps Mark on the butt. “I like your butt,” she says. “Yeah?” says Mark. “It’s big,” says Millie. Wow, courting sure has changed since I was a kid!!!
Ah yes, I was quite a catch back then.
The stars align, Millie and Mark make out, everyone is happy, etc. Various contestants point and woop from different corners of the backyard. “How good is that,” says Grant from the spa, proud as punch. But not EVERYONE is so happy. “Fuck,” says Millie, stopping straddling Mark for a second. “I’m going to have to share a bed tonight with someone else — and they’re watching!”
Elsewhere, a man in the spa watches and clutches his heart.
KISSIES!!!!
“Dead set, there is nothing I love more than seeing a good bloke get kissies, I tell ya!!!”
“Who is getting kissies, how lovely for them, I wish them every –“
“Oh no.”
This ‘heartbroken’ boy’s name is Kory. Yes, actual spelling! We truly never stop learning, folks. Anyway Kory says, “Hey the bedroom smells like farts”. Erin suggests that he is just smelling his own breath. Kory, offended, jokes that Erin’s breath would be worse — on account of how much shit she talks!
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???” says Eden, cracking his knuckles. Huh?
“How dare you sir, how dare you insult the breath of my sweetie!!!”
It’s truly dumb as shit. Kory insists that it was just “a bit of banter” and then later tells the producers that he had been looking for an opportunity to stand up to Erin and Eden. “I’m not scared or intimidated by either of them!” he insists, when he is safely not in a room with either of them.
He is Kory and he is not scared!!!
The next day, there is a lot of conjecture as to why Millie likes Mark. “I can’t believe you like Mark,” Tayla says to Millie. Millie insists that it’s not weird. “He’s a model, he probably only cares about his Instagram,” says Tayla (a model). “No, he only cares about his law degree!!!!” says Millie.
Ah yes, that’s better. Elsewhere, the other girls are also suspicious of Millie and Mark’s relationship. A girl named Mac is holding court and explaining to the other girls why it’s weird. Millie once said that liked tradies — and Mark isn’t a tradie! He’s a model/lawyer! She hates men who remove their body hair! But Mark shaves his arms! “He’s like a hairless cat,” says Mac.
Mac seems fine and not at all bored.
“Wonder how the Logies is going.”
But the boys are fighting out of boredom too! Teddy reckons that Eden hates him and decides to talk to him about it. “Tell him to pull his fucking head in!” says Kory [actual spelling], known enemy of Eden.
Teddy decides that he is going to say: “Hey mate, you shouldn’t behave like this, it’s bad karma”. What Teddy actually says to Eden is along the lines of: “If you hate me that’s okay because it’s probably justified, it did hurt my feelings the other day when you said you were hotter than me, though”.
Eden explains that when he said he was hotter than Teddy it was “just a bit of banter”. In the Love Island villa, “a bit of banter” can be used to justify most things. Eden thinks he would never bully anyone — bullies are weak! “I feel so much better,” Teddy tells Eden. Eden gives Teddy a slap on the leg. Teddy looks terrified.
“Maybe if I don’t blink, I will finally earn his respect.”
“My eyes are so watery though.”
Today they have a challenge! The contestants are presented with some ‘news stories’ about themselves and they have to determine whether these stories are true or false. Then they get dunked in water? I don’t know.
Anyway, many truths come out. There’s a photo of Millie on a porn site! Erin once sexted Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead! Grant has supposedly cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had, according to an ex-girlfriend! “That girl is toxic, that’s why I left her,” says Grant, not even knowing which ex-girlfriend has made this claim. Tayla seems fine with it.
Another woman on the outside has claimed to be Eden’s girlfriend. “I find that laughable,” says Eden, making a face that suggests that he will never laugh again. Oh, and we’re back to Grant — there are news reports claiming that he has a live-in girlfriend and lies all the time! Again, Tayla seems fine with it.
Look, these aren’t GREAT things to be finding out about your boyfriend! Grant thinks that Tayla won’t be mad, but is also mad at the idea that she could possibly be mad. Teddy ‘The Karma Guy’ advises against this attitude. Tayla approaches Grant for a debrief.
Tayla: “So…?”
Grant: “I HAVE NEVER CHEATED IN MY LIFE.”
Tayla: “I believe that you did not cheat…”
Grant: “Ah yes, thank you my darling.”
Tayla: “… but I do believe the lying thing because all that you do is lie.”
“Hmm, maybe she doesn’t know what lying means.”
“Tayla my darling, I think you don’t understand what you’re saying my sweetie.”
It’s the final recoupling! Everyone must stay in a couple until the end of the show and then Australia’s favourite couple wins $50,000. Or a single, somehow? I don’t know, my vote is with this stray cat who is licking its own butt.
Kory is sent home! “I’m alright!” says Kory. I’m sure he is. Sophie Monk makes all of the couples appeal to Australia as to why they all deserve the prize money. As they are appealing, a line of text appears in the middle of the screen saying very soberly: ‘Vote is now open. Save your favourite couple.’
Hm, sounds familiar.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.