Culture

Why The Hell Are Those Plastic Cake Containers From The Supermarket So Damn Loud? 

I just want to get a slice of cake at 3am without everyone waking up. PLEASE.

by Michelle Rennex  8 May 2020
loud cake containers

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I, as a human with tastebuds that work, know that all cakes are delicious.

Honestly, there are heaps of different cakes and they’re all great, that’s not up for debate. From those super fancy made-to-order ones that have fondant art all over them, to those cheeky black forest numbers from The Cheesecake Shop, all the way to the humble Woolies mud — they all slap.

In fact, the $5 Woolies mud cake is the cheapest option out there and never fails to disappoint. However, I have one massive gripe with them: Why the fuck are the containers that house the beautiful, moist beast so damn loud?

Trying to open one of these plastic bad boys sounds the same as dropping a shampoo bottle onto the shower floor at 3am. The noise that comes off these circular, malleable boxes as you attempt to pry them open is like gunshot after gunshot. Honestly, I truly don’t even think it’s possible to open one of these cake containers without waking up the entire house.

And that’s if you can even open them at all. Unlike normal square cake boxes, you need a university degree in physics to even understand how to pop these demon traps open without the cake sliding everywhere. Then, because the lid is too soft and there’s so many locking points on the base, you always dry out the cake because the seal can never go back to how it was when you bought it.

It really is tough because sometimes you just want to sneak in another slice of cake without everyone knowing, you know? Especially when you were like eight-years-old, everyone was dead asleep, and it was three hours past your bed time. Sadly, if you just looked at those plastic bitches the wrong way they’d start sounding off like fireworks for no reason.

Other times, you just want to get yourself a slice without having to worry about other people. But the second you touch the plastic container, the whole house is asking you to grab them a slice too — just like how everyone wants a cup of tea once they hear the kettle boiling.

It’s also weird because it seems like no matter how environmentally friendly supermarkets get as they shift towards cardboard packaging, one thing seems to never change — and that’s their loud-ass plastic cake containers. And it’s not just Woolies mud cakes either, Coles also use a similar demonic container to house their version of a mud cake, too.

To make matters worse, it’s not even just cake anymore. These grocery stores don’t want you to be great because they’ve begun trapping everything sweet in these plastic contraptions. You want a cookie? Good luck battling it out with the cookie version of the plastic cake container. I’m sure those fresh-baked muffins are looking mighty scrumptious too. Well too damn bad, if you want those you’re going to have to wake everyone up to get them.

Personally, I’ve had enough. This is a petition for Aussie supermarkets to change these plastic cake containers and let us be fat asses at 3am in peace. Please.