How To Make It Look Like You Have Your Life Together When You Absolutely Don’t

Tired: Actually having your life together.

Wired: Pretending to have your life together when you absolutely do not.

Far too many aspects of adulting are boring, admin-heavy and serious. Seems like a trap. Taxes? Budgeting? Looking after yourself on a day-to-day basis? Where does it end! Honestly, having your life totally together is like a full time job, on top of the job you already need in order to afford having your life together. Instead of being young, wild and free, you end up young, tired and stress-eating.

So if you’d rather save your energy for having a good time, but don’t want to be known as a total drop-kick, the best option is to pepper your life with some surface-level things that make it seem like you have it together. Catch the low-hanging fruit, add some easy wins, and you can fool people into thinking you’re a put-together picture of sophistication at just a fraction of the effort.

To help you get there we’ve rounded up a bunch of low-output and high-reward ways you can make it look like you have your life together. Fake it ‘til you make it.

1. Buy house plants

The easiest glow-up for even the shabbiest of homes is decorating the place with some greenery. Flat pack furniture who? I can’t see anything questionable past this stunning vine plant!

If you still have a way to go in developing your green thumb, grab some succulents, orchards, or anything else that’s hard to kill. You’ve got this.

2. Always have drinks on hand

When you have people over, the most boss move is to be able to offer them a real drink. Are we at a bar? Is this Mad Men? Nope, just the home of someone who definitely/probably has their life together.

You don’t need much,  a good whisky or two, some mixers, and learn to make some simple cocktails if you want to knock it out of the park. Whip out a bottle of Monkey Shoulder blended malt scotch whisky, start mixing drinks and watch as your guests are dazzled into believing you’re all class.

3. Get a bed frame

Need I say more?

4. Bake bread

A lot of breads* are really easy to make and when you casually drop into conversation that you baked bread – which you will – you sound like a cottage-core DIY champion.

*This does not include sourdough. If you can keep a sourdough culture alive, maybe you do have your life together.

5. Know when daylight savings is happening

There are two types of people in this world: people who know when daylight savings is coming, and people who have absolutely no hold on the pattern, and are aware of the shift only from hearing about it through the grapevine in the days preceding.

Seeing as daylight savings happens infrequently and at the same time every year, this is an easy win. Nothing screams ‘I have my life together’ like reminding people which way the clocks are turning.

6. Lie on your resume.

For legal reasons, this is a joke.

7. Have the right glasses for different drinks

Red wine goes in a red wine glass. Champagne goes in a flute. A nice glass of Monkey Shoulder belongs in a real whisky glass. You might not have matching cutlery, but that doesn’t matter so much if your beverages are in the proper vessels. It’s all about knowing your priorities.

8. Take down your fairy lights

Your life is not a 2012 tumblr post! Buy a lamp.

9. Read a book

Yes, the bar is low, and yes people will be inordinately impressed when you mention that you’re reading a book.

10. Drop in some good money chat

Regardless of the actual state of your finances, as long as you sound like you know what you’re talking about you may as well be Bill Gates. Plenty of finance bros make careers out of pretending to know what they’re doing, so take a page out of their book and name-drop some cryptocurrencies. Mention that new budgeting app you’ve never used. Blame everything on inflation. Clearly you’re a financially savvy expert! Move over Barefoot Investor.

11. Know which night is bin night

The person in a household or on a street who knows which bins go out when is the backbone of society as we know it. They keep us all civilised. Be that person.

12. Go green

Incorporating some greener habits into your life definitely makes you seem more competent. Plus, it’s good for the environment, so everybody wins. Bring reusable bags with you to the shops, get that beeswax stuff instead of gladwrap, even start composting if you wanna go big.

13. Learn how to poach an egg

Seriously, why is it so hard? If you can poach an egg, you simultaneously appear capable of running a café kitchen while having access to the perfect hangover feed whenever you need it. Two birds, one perfectly-gooey-centre stone.

Don’t be a drunken Monkey. Please Drink Responsibly. 

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Monkey Shoulder 

100% Malt Whisky Made For Mixing

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Lead image: Andrea Piacquadio