Logies 2016: The Official Junkee Drinking Game
Turn off Netflix, turn on some free-to-air and get ready to drink, friends.
Ah, the Logies! The night in which Australian celebrities gather inside a Melbourne casino and everyone at home tries to figure out what show they’re from, before promptly switching back to Netflix.
OH, WHAT A NIGHT.
But hey, we should support our local stars. They go to all the trouble of getting dressed up and finding someone to watch the kids — it’s the least we can do! Maybe you should minimise all your tabs tonight, chuck on some free-to-air TV and have a gander at the best and brightest* that the Australian entertainment industry has to offer! (Or just drink a bunch to make it more interesting.)
Some cocktails that we at Junkee personally recommend:
The Flamin’ Alf Stewart: Cinnamon schnapps and a schooner of XXXX, drop the shot in the beer and skull.
The Matt Preston Melter: Inject some cognac into a profiterole, drench in a rich brandy sauce.
The Kochie Kicker: A shandy of Tooheys New and alcoholic ginger beer, then repeatedly shot milk until you vomit.
The Stefanovic Stomper: Follow the basic recipe for an espresso martini, then mix in a Red Bull.
*not technically true.
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Logies 2016: A Drinking Game
Every time someone on the red carpet says that they’re wearing a Carla Zampatti dress and they kind of look like an extra from the formal scene from Looking for Alibrandi:
Drink a raspberry vodka with a straw.
Delta looks amazing.
Every time Hamish/Andy, Fitzy/Wippa or Hughesy/Kate make an absolutely ripper call in the pre-show interview:
Take a sip of a warm Boags draught that someone who you don’t really like left at your house after New Year’s.
Every time a star vehemently asserts that they want Waleed Aly to win the Gold, but you know they’d feel less worried if Scott Cam wins again:
Take a bitter shot of cheap and nasty vodka, the sting of which doesn’t leave you for days.
Every time you see a blonde actor or actress from Home and Away who you’ve never seen before, but who seems so goddamn happy to be there that you feel a little sad:
Try to make a complicated cocktail (i.e one that requires more than two ingredients) to give yourself the illusion of having control in an unjust world.
Every time the Logies has to use a stock photo during the award announcements, because actual famous actors and actresses rarely come to the Logies (hey Essie Davis, hey Sam Neil):
Skull a $6 bottle of wine while Facebook stalking the richest person who went to your high school, and selling all your worldly possessions on whatever ‘FOR SALE’ group will accept you.
Every time an international star who has been paid $50,000 to attend presents an award, pronounces it “Log-eez” and generally looks like they want to die:
Sip a VB, feel ashamed that you like it.
“Howudoin, etc.”
Every time that you remember that Kyle Sandilands exists:
Drink everything. Knock on the door of every house in the street and ask for their alcohol. Drink this alcohol. Drink everything.
Every time you only recognise the reality TV nominees in the room, because you don’t have Foxtel:
Grab a can of PBR and consider that these shows about family dramas and prison may be fantastic, but all you’ve seen in the way of Australian TV this year is Married at First Sight.
Every time you realise that in actual fact, you have no fucking idea what any of these shows are and that maybe a few are made up:
Drink a bunch of gin and then let your tear ducts decide if you are proud or ashamed of your irrelevancy.
Every time you remember that every Best Actress nominees look like this:
See diversity, ‘cos two aren’t blonde.
Drink a mimosa, let the sickly sweetness and creeping nausea wash over as you coat your mouth with a thick sugar that makes the nerve endings in your teeth ache.
Every time you remember that the Molly Meldrum telemovie wasn’t even nominated for a Logie and you realise that the whole thing is a sham, and what even are awards:
Drink a sparkling wine, and have three more #MollyStyle.
Every time you see that Tim Minchin is nominated twice for the same award (both for shows you’ve never heard of, naturally):
Huge night for Timmy!
Drink a very bland bottle of red wine, but keep drinking it because it’s right there and you can’t be bothered getting anything that’s better.
Every time an ad break tells you that Jimmy Barnes is coming on next to get you to keep watching and you keep falling for it:
Drink straight whiskey and turn the TV up as loud as your housemates/significant other will allow.
Every time Home and Away wins a major award over gritty dramas about gritty Australians:
Drink some soda water, you’ll probably die from alcohol poisoning otherwise.
Every time the camera pans to Bert Newton to prove that he’s there:
Drink something rich a full-bodied, perhaps a dark ale, and prepare to laugh politely at his monologue which will invariably make no sense to anyone but you know, Bert Newton.
If Lee Lin Chin or Waleed Aly wins the Gold Logie:
Drink tequila! Drink a sweet sweet run cocktail! Drink a jelly shot! Drink your favourite drink because it’s time to celebrate: those old fuckers who control the Australian TV industry are finally losing their grip.
If Lee Lin Chin or Waleed Aly do not win the Gold Logie:
Drink tequila. Drink a sweet sweet run cocktail. Drink a jelly shot. Drink your favourite drink, because now is the time to wallow and mourn. Those old fuckers won’t rest until our television landscape is as bland as a dry Salada.
Happy Logies!