Sometimes, when I sit and feel sad about my eventual death by vending machine, I remember that mac ‘n’ cheese exists and all my worries drift away. The creaminess that runs through the gooey cheese, cut by the starchiness of the pasta, married to the slight crunch of the breadcrumbs, the fact that it only cost me $5 to make a litre of it. Mmmm.

If I was banished to a world without a clitoris or q-tips, I would live happily with mac ‘n’ cheese. If mac ‘n’ cheese were a person, I would make a blood oath at our cheesy wedding. I fucking love mac n cheese.

The only downside of this astounding meal is that you would probably get all weak and sick if you ate it for every meal. WELL. That downside has been hacked, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. Your lives of eating mac ‘n’ cheese for every single meal until you die while maintaining the elusive “wellness” we all strive for.

I have scoured the internet for “healthy” renditions of old yella, eaten all of them and frothed repeatedly.

Classic Mac ‘n’ Cheese

It would be sinful for me not to include the OG recipe here, since if you were going on a mac ‘n’ cheese bender, not matter how healthy, it wouldn’t be authentic without big mama. My old housemate used to be able to gauge how stressed I was based on the amount of mac ‘n’ cheese in the fridge at any given time, and it’s always this recipe. Except I double the cheese and breadcrumbs and add a lil’ chilli for my sorrows. 10/10.

Cauliflower Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Hooooly shit this is a great mac ‘n’ cheese. Cauliflower and cheese goes together like Maccas fries and soft serve. I recommend chopping the cauliflower super fine and adding extra breadcrumbs, since the cauliflower can be a bit watery. I also don’t know what constitutes a super food but according to this source, cauliflower is like the Meryl Streep of vegetables. 9/10

Mexican Mac ‘n’ Cheese

This guy actually lives in my weekly meal rotation, except I omit the tomatoes and use crushed Doritos on top for xxxtra crunchy goodness. This one is more protein-y, and unbelievably tasty. 10/10 tie me down and beat the shit out of me.

Butternut Mac’n’ Cheese

This is one that I also make semi-regularly, due to my partner weirdly always reading pawpaw as pumpkin on the shopping list. Super creamy and makes me feel like a trophy wife who begrudgingly feeds her kids kid food. 9/10.

Mac ‘n’ Cheese With Greens

OK so this was my least favourite of the macs due to the texture of the greens. I used silverbeet in place of collards because I don’t fully understand what collards are except that Beyoncé is super into them. Flip side is that this one is probably the best for you, but whatever. 6/10.

Vegan Mac ‘n’ Cheese

It feels reductive to assume all vegan foods are healthier for you but this mac ‘n’ cheese is chocka block full of cashews and carrots that give you night vision. The nutritional yeast tastes very similar to parmesan but slightly more salty. I am 10000 per cent all for it, and thoroughly enjoy eating it with my fingers. Unfortunately, due to the no nut rule of my household (I poisoned my boyfriend like twice), this guy did not get a double taste test. I give it a solid 8/10, but would add extra nutritional yeast.

(Lead image: Wikipedia)