A Complete Guide To Preparing For ‘Legend Of Zelda: Tears Of The Kingdom’

It’s officially one week until Nintendo’s long-awaited Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, sequel to Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild finally reaches our grubby little mitts, and I am in shambles.

Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom was first announced all the back on June 11, 2019. This means that I will have had 1431 days to prepare for this moment. Yet here I am, mere days away from the release date and having to cram years worth of prep into one week.

Not to worry — I’ve had years of practice from putting off all my other responsibilities to play Breath of the Wild, so I’m actually uniquely placed to take on this challenge.

So much so that I’ve prepared this guide in the lead-up to release day. Feel free to distribute it among your networks, and thank you.

Prepare Your Friends And Family For Your Absence

Catching up for coffee? Family Sunday brunch? Someone just checking in to see how everything’s going? Better luck next time, buddy. Seriously, please don’t contact me. I’m very busy doing all the side quests and not rescuing Zelda.

Set Up Camp

I demand the full screen experience, so I will be playing with my Nintendo Switch docked to the biggest TV in the joint. To maximise efficiency, the couch is now my bed. Oh, you thought this was the living room? This is actually my bedroom. And dining room. Not the bathroom — even I have my limits. I’m playing that game from the very second I wake up in the morning until my eyes physically can’t stay open at night. If you play handheld, congrats, the world is your oyster. Wherever you play, get comfortable.

Layers, Layers, Layers

Any good prepper knows that you gotta prepare for all weather conditions. This is true for Tears of the Kingdom conditions. What if you’re in an intense fight with yassified Ganon and the palms start to sweat? (It could be from the stress of the boss fight, or because he’s kinda fine. I don’t judge.) Then you’ve gotta have the freedom to take some layers off. Whether you’re merrily collecting ten restless crickets for the local town simp or learning how to cook salmon meunière, layers will allow you to get cosy and settle in.

Stay Hydrated, But Not Too Hydrated

I’m an avid tea drinker, but it really makes me pee — which in this instance is kind of a dealbreaker.  I have things to do in Hyrule; I can’t be messing about going to the bathroom every two seconds. Water only for this weekend, and only the exact amount of water needed to avoid kidney stones. For Zelda!

Microwave Meals Only

Every second counts here. The more I faff about, the less of the game I can explore before I actually have to go back to work to pay my bills so I can keep playing the game. You really think I’ll be wasting precious play time chopping onions or boiling water? Please. The week ahead must include meticulous meal-prepping, either in the form of cooking nutritious meals that can be easily reheated, or stocking up on my favourite McCain Beef & Bacon Pasta Bake with a side of Birds Eye steamed veggies.

All this preparation might feel excessive, but I’m afraid it’s more than necessary. I’m almost frightened by how excited I am by this game release. Tears of the Kingdom was originally slated to be released in 2022 and while I’m more than happy to wait for a completed game, it was a long wait.

Please wish all the gaming enthusiasts in your life luck, because we’ll likely be hunkered down for the foreseeable future.

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Photo credit: Nintendo