Was Justice Served On The ‘Married At First Sight’ Finale Last Night?

Oh, man. It’s over! Married at First Sight is over. We’ve been through a lot to get here, but I’m glad we’ve made it. Do I feel like suing Channel 9 for ever introducing me to the phrase “boy high”? Sure, I do! But what a rewarding journey it has been.

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Just kidding, this show has made me question everything I knew to be true about reality TV and acceptable social conduct, simultaneously making me want to drink all the things, but also never ever drink again? Hm, anyway.

So after Sunday night’s shitshow in which all the couples were reunited to yell at each other, the experts are staging a second reunion (without alcohol) to gauge the ways in which the contestants have failed each other. Yesterday everyone played out the revenge narrative they had been practicing in the shower for months, but tonight is for healing.

The idea is to “relive the highs” and the trauma they have inflicted on each other in the last few months. We are to believe that this is the morning after the reunion dinner party, which I do not believe because no-one looks hungover (unless Channel 9 always has IV drips on hand post-Karl Stefanovic after the Logies). Scarlett did not come, presumably because she does not wish to die by Cheryl’s hand.

They look back at the wedding day footage they’ve been shown six or seven times throughout the show. The contestants laugh! Ho ho, the times that they’ve had! “Hey Nick, what did you think when you first saw Sharon,” says John Aiken. “I thought she was hot,” says Nick.

“Well done, Nick,” says John Aiken.

“What about you Simon?” says John Aiken. “I couldn’t figure out what continent Alene bloody came from!” says Simon. Everyone has a good ‘ol belly laugh. Where is Lebanon anyway!? “Haha, fair enough Simon,” says John Aiken. No-one can get over that Alene’s family does not have lineage that dates back to the First Fleet.

John Aiken is then like, “Are you together Susan and Sean or nah” which is an extremely valid question, because despite breaking up, Sean and Susan seem more together than any other couple on the show. Their answer is confusing.

“We’re just looking at each other’s rosters and working it out,” says Susan. Everyone pretends to understand.

John Aiken says that one of the most heartwarming reactions at the wedding was when Anthony saw Nadia for the first time! Aw, how nice. John Aiken asks Anthony what he was thinking on that glorious day. Everyone gets ready to smile at this sweet story!!

“I think it was relief. I saw Nadia for the first time and she looked beautiful. I was relieved I’d got a good sort,” Anthony says. Oh.

While Anthony is saying this, Nadia starts silently weeping because it is not very nice to know that your husband was just “relieved” that you weren’t disgusting and primarily places importance on you being a “good sort”, face-wise. “Nadia, what is going on inside of you right now,” says John Aiken, which is a very bizarre way to say, “Are you okay” but whatever.

Everyone starts crying. Nadia has to leave the room to compose herself. When she returns, Nadia says it’s confusing because Anthony says “all the right things” but there’s no truth in it. “I hope you can feel the support of everyone here,” says Mel, which is code for “We are on your side 100 percent, he is a muppet”.

They decide to come back to Nadia later and instead ask the “most controversial groom” to step up. This could be any of them, so they then identity this person as Michael. Michael was controversial because he wanted someone in the fitness industry who had small ears and was under 60kg.

“Okay let’s look back to the terrible things you said,” says John Aiken. Everyone laughs heartily. “That list became a talking point around the nation!” says John Aiken, who at this point is living for the retweets. The experts ask Michael if he has learnt anything from being criticised by the nation. “Yeah fair enough, upon reflection, 65kg is fine,” Michael says. So, there you go.

John and Deb are next! The experts show a montage of Deb asking John if he’s sure he cannot be Polynesian. There is a voiceover of Deb saying,“Why did we do that Polynesian theme without a Polynesian? All they had to do was put an ad out and they would have got about 100 of them”. This is something that she actually said.

Everyone reacts appropriately.

For a moment, everyone is united in their mirth. “John, firstly, did it hurt your feelings that Deb wanted a Polynesian man,” asks John Aiken. John explains that he knew when it was over was when he realised that Deb hated him. Fair cop, John!

“Deb, are you any closer to find a Polynesian man,” says John Aiken. She’s not but she’s doing a lot of swimming lately, she says. Okay, thanks guys!

Next up is Cheryl and Jonathan, a couple who are so mismatched that it makes me think that the experts are just doing this for the straight lols. They watch footage of their brief, terrible relationship, which includes video of Jonathan talking about texting Scarlett incessantly and preferring her over Cheryl.

When confronted with this, Jonathan explains that there is a sisterhood and a brotherhood and sometimes you talk to people “outside of your relationship”. Look, it doesn’t make much sense. Everyone judges him.

John Aiken, giving Jonathan a chance to redeem himself, asks if he has any regrets about all that extra-marital texting. Jonathan says, “Hell no”. Okay, case closed!

Next up is a couple who were brought together from “different cultures” (“Sounds nice,” thinks Deb.) it’s Alene and Simon!! Simon kisses Alene and everyone claps, because it’s nice not to hate the person you’re married to. They almost love each other, so they have succeeded in The Experiment.

Cheryl and Andrew are next, oh no. John Aiken asks Andrew how it feels to have failed twice. He then says that the turning point for Andrew was the infamous Boy’s Night; the boozy night in which all the grooms got together and half of them made fun of Cheryl’s personality and her body. What a time! “You said that Cheryl had been misinformed about that, Andrew? Didn’t you, Andrew?” Andrew says yes.

I think John Aiken hates Andrew.

They say they’re going to play the footage of the night, which gets a mixed reaction. Andrew starts fidgeting in his chair like he has worms. “Good,” says Anthony loudly, because he so good at lying that he actually convinced himself that nothing happened on the boy’s night. “Mate, don’t worry about it,” Anthony says smugly, as Andrew considers playing dead.

Everyone is repulsed by the footage. “What!” Andrew says, as if he has no recollection of these events. “The music makes it a hell of a lot more dramatic than it was,” says Anthony. I’m with you Anthony, 100 percent, such a shocking choice to play music with the lyrics “Cheryl is boring, I wish I’d stayed with Lauren”. What a shitty choice, producers!!

“Did that just refresh your memory?” says John Aiken, with relish. Andrew says that it was “pretty brutal” and that “that’s not me, that’s not who I am”. He says he feels like he was “polite, courteous” for the rest of the show. Cheryl reacts accordingly.

Cheryl is vindicated, saying that Andrew is only here for the “brotherhood” and to have fun. Andrew says that he only said all those things because “things weren’t going too well”. “It was so lighthearted, it’s just impossible to explain,” he says, flummoxed that he is being made accountable for this Boy High.

Mel is like, “Nah son”.

Andrew is insistent that “comments like that are said in the context of a boy’s night for a reason”. The experts are enraged. “LET ME GO TO THE GROUP,” says John Aiken. “Hey Sean, what if they talked about your missus that way?” Sean would knock his block off! “What about you, Simon?” says John Aiken. Simon would tell them to shut their mouths!

In desperation, Andrew is like: “WHEN THINGS ARE ROUGH, THE BROTHERHOOD ARE ALL YOU HAVE”. Every woman in the room makes a face.

Mel then has to explain respect to Andrew while he makes loud huffing noises. “A man talking about a woman’s anatomy with other men — and those sort of resentful comments — at the end of the day it’s about how it’s perceived by the woman it’s about,” she says. John Aiken says that Andrew “can’t come back from that” and it’s unclear if he means as a participant in Married at First Sight or as just a human being on the planet Earth.

Andrew then gets flustered and makes no sense. He tells the experts that he’s the “biggest judge of my own character” and hopes that Cheryl will still be his friend. Cheryl does not want to be his friend. John Aiken is all, “Look we didn’t match you, so of course it failed, thanks anyway”.

John Aiken is on a roll, so he gets the next most probbo groom to come on down — Anthony! They show a montage of Anthony saying deplorable things about the other contestants, his wife and a woman who tried to fix his internet. “Anthony, how did it feel to watch yourself being a real dickhead,” says John Aiken.

Anthony blames the “intense environment” he was in, but does say he probably should not have sworn at Cheryl with such abandon. “But why did you say that?” interrupts Nadia. Not recognising her voice, Anthony is momentarily taken aback. Nadia asks him if he is only expressing regret because he’s concerned about the “way you are perceived”.

Nadia explains that when “the cameras stopped rolling, Anthony switched off” and that she couldn’t even rely on him as a friend, let alone a husband. Anthony says that he couldn’t help that he didn’t love her. The experts aren’t buying what Anthony is selling.

Nadia has decided to use Anthony as a cautionary tale and “what I don’t want”. The contestants all clap Nadia when she says this. Anthony avoids everyone’s gaze. Nadia has won The Experiment.

(Anthony has not.)

And there you have it! The show that inspired conversations about toxic masculinity, the duty of care of reality TV producers and what the fuck a “horse woman” is, has come to a close. We might not be any wiser, but we certainly are older! So that’s that, I guess.

In their final remarks, the experts are all, “Guys it has been seven years since we started this experiment, we gave you a chance at happiness now don’t fuck it up, seeya”.