There are two times of the year where you’re expected to get the third degree from your family: weddings and Christmas. After Aunty Karen moves onto her fourth glass of brandy, you can bet that you’ll get interrogated about your relationship status, your weight and your future.

Of course, every intrusive family member is different, so that’s why I’ve devised this fun little game you can play when Christmas Day starts to wind down. Once everyone falls asleep in front of Carols by Candlelight, start adding up your points.

“Seconds? Are you sure? Go easy on those potatoes…” (15 points)

You’d think with the rising body positivity movement, your family might be more accustomed to the idea that bigger bodies are no longer a rare occurrence. In fact, they should be celebrated. How about no to the fatphobia, Carol.

“Why aren’t you having seconds? You’re young and thin, not like your cousin Jenny.” (5 points)

You can always count on Grandma to make a backhanded compliment at the expense of someone else, especially if they’re on the other side of the dinner table.

“A boyfriend/girlfriend? How nice! When are you gonna put a ring on it?” (10 points)

Nosey relatives really relish the idea of sucking the younger generation into a world of overly expensive ceremonies and bitter divorces. If they can’t be happy, no one can.

“When are you moving out of home/when are you buying your own house?” (15 points)

Look Karen, I’ll buy my own house when you apologise for the millennial jokes and fix the economy that you stuffed up. But we both know that ain’t gonna happen.

“When are you getting a boyfriend/girlfriend?” (25 points)

 Add on an extra 10 points if this followed by the vague threat of “you’re not getting any younger, you know.”

“People of your generation can’t take a joke.” (25 points)

I’m not 100 per cent sure why the entire millennial population has to be criticised because I didn’t laugh when you said that vaccines make people gay, but whatever floats your boat.

“I still smoked/drank/went to Bali when I was pregnant, and your cousin Jaxon turned out just fine.” (40 points)

This one’s not really an inappropriate comment, but it’s always interesting to see how your Aunty makes the rest of the family cringe. Whether it’s the new mermaid tattoo on her back or her fifth husband in five years, you never really know what she’ll do next.

“When are you thinking of having a family? You’d make a great parent.” (25 points)

After watching cousin Jaxon set fire to the TV and eat tinsel, I’ve actually made it my New Year’s resolution to sell my ovaries on Gumtree. Unless the kind of kids you’re talking about are of the baby goat variety, don’t talk to me about crotch goblins.

“(Insert comment from Uncle Kevin about his sex life or lack thereof).” (15 points)

Uncle Kevin isn’t one for sherry or Chardonnay, but once he’s had a few bottles of Toohey’s Extra Dry, you’ll know more than you wanted about his sex life with Aunty Karen. Is the flush in her cheeks from the embarrassment of being married to Uncle Kevin, or from her menopause that he’s bluntly mentioned during dessert?

“We won’t see you ‘til next year!” (100 points)

Once everyone’s had their fill of ham, turkey and fruitcake and are all about to go home, you can expect to hear this being said by pretty much everyone. If your eyes don’t roll so hard that they fall out of your head, tally up your points and reward yourself with any leftover alcohol.

(Lead image: Kath & Kim/ABC)