I Listened To Every Taylor Swift Album In A Row, Then Went to Her Melbourne Concert
Taylor and I were born in the same year, after all. Were we cosmically linked? This is the only way to tell.
You need to know this about me: I do not fuck around. Once I watched all seven The Fast and the Furious movies in a row, which is subsequently how I discovered my favourite film, The Fast and the Furious. An immersive experience like that? Well, it changes you.
Because I love being changed, I thought the only thing that could match this was to undertake something that was just as captivating; a pop culture experience so rich that I could wade through its depths for hours and emerge a new and better me. This is why I decided to listen to every Taylor Swift album in row and then, that same day, go to her concert in Melbourne.
Yes! Great idea, huh? Taylor and I were born in the same year, after all. Were we cosmically linked? This is the only way to tell.
COSMICALLY LINKED!?
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Taylor Swift (2006)
Wow, Taylor Swift was super country! The songs kind of all blend into one energetically sad song about pick-up trucks, punctuated by violin solos. I can’t recognise anything, so I assume that none are famous, but then again the only things I cared about in 2006 were getting a good VCE mark, and working out who was in the hatch.
This album is about being a teenager and, despite looking like Taylor Swift, being ignored by boys and passed over for prettier girls. Where was Taylor Swift born and how can I go back in time and foetally ingest the beauty-making essence in the local water supply? What town is this in which Taylor Swift is the least pretty girl? She also talks about being invisible in a song called ‘Invisible’. She is so sad. Now I am so sad :(
(By the way, listening to this album coincided with me trying on shorts that I’ve worn for six summers and realising that they no longer fit, which contributed to my overall ennui. Then a song called ‘Stay Beautiful’ came on and I was like, “Yay, Taylor is about to make me feel better!” but it was just about a boy who doesn’t know he’s good looking. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT BOYS RIGHT NOW, TAYLOR.)
RATING: Two pick-up trucks.
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Fearless (2008)
I think Fearless must have marked when Taylor went from being country-famous to normal-famous, because I actually recognised a few songs. Remember when ‘Love Story’ came out and Taylor started cosplaying as an Elizabethan royal at every awards show? Man, we saw a lot of ruffles in 2008.
This album is about being a teenager and walking down school corridors, and boys noticing you (FINALLY!) and being happy, but maybe low-key scared? And also wanting to marry the first guy who wants to go out with you. My favourite part is when Taylor tells a quaint little story about her best friend Abigail giving “everything she had” to a boy, which I guess means her hymen? What did she give him the Christmas after that?
In ‘You Belong With Me’ Taylor shades a girl who has the guy she likes, which — now that I am an expert, having listened to two of her albums in a row — I can officially say is a ~theme~ in her music. Now Taylor is the one who wears high heels and short skirts! And instead of being her enemies, girls are her loyal subjects used as pawns in her complicated chess game called LIFE.
Also a prominent subject in Taylor Swift’s music: rain. Everything she does seems to happen in the rain, or involve some sort of rain metaphor. Or does ‘rain’ mean tears? Taylor is the most mysterious pop star to sing about hymens that I’ve ever encountered.
RATING: Three dances in the rain.
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Speak Now (2010)
These albums are very long.
This is a Taylor who has seen things. She’s busting up weddings, breaking up with Taylor Lautner, making fun of Joe Jonas’ new girlfriend’s vintage dresses (pot calling the kettle black, Tay) and shaming her for things she “does on the mattress”. When Taylor was 19 she started dating famouses and stopped caring about hurting feelings.
I start Googling pictures of her and John Mayer, where she looks like a cartoon Cinderella and he looks someone starring in an anti-drug campaign. Then I Google videos of him with and Katy Perry and wonder why these women go out with him? He is so obviously a deviant who keeps an unread Hemingway in his coat pocket and wears a perfume that smells like wood chips and bourbon.
So let’s talk about ‘Dear John’, the song she wrote after John Mayer presumably did something terrible to her (which is not hard to believe). I had never listened to ‘Dear John’ properly before, and it made me feel things that I hope to never feel again? I want to save past Taylor. Listen to your mum! Don’t get caught up in his sick twisted chess game! I suddenly hate John Mayer with the fire of a thousand suns.
As an aside, who knew that Taylor Swift had more than two albums? Maybe this is a mistake.
RATING: Three mattresses.
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Red (2012)
Okay, I can’t tell if this album is a HUGE leap from the last one or if it’s just because I had Maccas for lunch and now I feel GREAT. This is when Taylor Swift made a pretty solid move to pop and stopped curling her hair so enthusiastically, which resulted in much better music!
There are some boring duets with friend-zoned crybabies like Ed Sheeran, but Red is almost exclusively about Jake Gyllenhaal, with the bonus of one Harry Styles song. Taylor leaves clues in her liner notes so that fans can solve her feelings puzzles and be mean to her ex-boyfriends on Twitter (I just used Google). Celebrities singing about other celebrities is my favourite genre of music.
Even though I sometimes get such bad secondhand embarrassment for her that I have to leave the room during particular songs, I really respect that unlike every whiney male musician who sings about lost love, she at least has a sense of humour about it. Jake Gyllenhaal may sound like a jerk in ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ but Taylor genuinely seemed to still be in love with him when she wrote the album. Only someone who is still in a deep break-up denial would think that a boy hasn’t given back your scarf because it “reminds you of innocence and it smells like me”. He just doesn’t want to see you, Taylor.
But loving him “was red”, apparently! I don’t even know what that means, and it’s still poignant. Guys, I think I’m a Swiftie now. Loving Taylor Swift is red (am I using that in the right context, please tell me).
RATING: Four scarves.
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1989 (2014)
So this is the first and only Taylor Swift album I have ever bought, because it is so undeniable (if you ignore ‘Shake It Off’, which I will do everyday until forever). I was so anti-Swift before 1989 which now, after hearing the rest of her music, I don’t feel entirely bad about. The reason this album has been written about so many times is because it is straight fire; almost every song is a little piece of meta-pop perfection. Plus, she finally talks about sex! Well, she talks about clothes being on the floor, which is Swift-code for sex.
The same themes run throughout her albums: love, loss, friendship, and rain metaphors. But boy howdy, that Harry Styles truly did a number on her! He’s always slicking back his hair and smiling at her and having eyes, and she’s like, “I shouldn’t” but she always DOES because it’s Harry. And then she’s like, “woah, it’s over now” BUT IT’S NEVER REALLY OVER. ‘Wildest Dreams’ is the best Lana Del Rey song about Harry Styles that I have ever heard.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve listened to five Taylor Swift albums in a row, but I’m feeling very emotional. I think she has finally found her authentic self. I wonder if I will ever find my authentic self? Maybe I should cut my hair before I go tonight.
RATING: Five Harrys.
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The Concert
(Last night in Melbourne, 2015)
Oh my god. Oh my god.
I am done. I have felt every emotion a human can feel. And maybe feelings I didn’t even know I had? This is the only way I can explain it: during the show I see a surly-looking girl who is wearing sunglasses even though it is dusk, who for the entire concert holds up a sign that says, ‘TAYLOR OR DIE I <3 U’. This may read as a fairly aggressively confusing and contradictory statement, but after seeing Taylor Swift in concert I know exactly what she means.
Okay, I know that I’m maybe more vulnerable tonight due to my day of Clockwork Orange-esque Swift montage, but this concert has changed me. The bracelets that light up when Taylor wills it so! The fireworks that happen when Taylor wills it so! The weird celebrity friend testimonials that prove that she’s a good friend, because Taylor wills it so!
Taylor sings every song from 1989 perfectly, complete with awkward, extremely literal mime dancing (a.k.a every time she sings “simple”, “mind”, “memory”, “remember” or “I”, she points at her head, do you get it, do you get the code). Occasionally she plays electric guitar and does rockier versions of past hits, but somehow this is great and not lame? I don’t know how she achieves this. Taylor is so powerful. Now that I have seen her perform ‘Bad Blood’ live, I feel genuinely scared for Katy Perry. Can someone check on Katy Perry? Haha, just kidding who cares about Katy Perry.
As I am leaving the concert, my heart swinging wildly between love and a fearful admiration of my new benevolent leader, the surprise new episode of Serial, which I have been waiting for for YONKS, downloads to my phone. Is this what it’s like when you accept Taylor as your queen? All your dreams come true?
I am a Swiftie. I promise I will never stray.
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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Yen, frankie, Smith Journal and Elle. She tweets from @sineadstubbins