Hypothetical New Year’s Resolutions For Famous People

As we gradually slide down the hump that separates last year and this year, it’s important that we slow things down to a snail pace, reflect on the slips and misgivings of the past 300-odd days, and attempt to close the gap between who we are and who we’d prefer to be by assuming that breaking heavily ingrained patterns of behaviour is as easy as 3… 2…

Screw New Year’s resolutions! If I want to stop biting my toenails or take up yoga in order to be physically capable of biting my toenails, I’ll do so on April 8th or November 14th or some time in late Smarch. I don’t need some long-dead Gregorian to dictate when I’m allowed to switch to long-life milk. I’ll change whenever I want to change.

Famous people, though, they should start right away.

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Miley Cyrus

“In 2014, I will have more say in whether I — THIS RESOLUTION IS NOW THE PROPERTY OF RCA RECORDS.”

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Tony Abbott

“In 2014, I’ll get around to watching Life Of Pi, A Perfect Storm and Titanic. Oh, and eat more greens.”

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Kevin Rudd

“In 2014, I will gather a list of names, strike them off one-by-one, Django-style, then call a plastic surgeon en route to my lair.”

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Lars Von Trier    

“In 2014, I’ll retire my desire to shock and disturb by releasing a seven-hour clip of a bipolar puppy that’s beaten to death by the decaying bones of a fascist prostitute.”

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Shia LaBeouf

Kanye West

“In 2014, I’ll finally figure out how to make this motorcycle move forward.”

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Kim Kardashian

“Help! Help me! I’m locked in a steel cage in the shape of some egomaniac’s head! If someone doesn’t let me out, how the hell am I supposed to prove identity theft? (Or finish my PhD in Macrobiotics?).”

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Stephen Hawking

“In 2014, I’m totes gonna D-vote mo’ of da time continue-um 2 updating my instagram, coz yolo!!! #LikeAHawk.”

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Chris Lilley

“In 2014, I will make more respectable use of my cross-dressing tendencies by helming the Australian remake of Boys Don’t Cry, and either winning the Oscar for best actress or at least being honoured to be nominated.”

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Sandra Bullock

“In 2014, if another director asks me to float into the foetal position in the name of heavy-handed symbolism, I’ll finally sit down and write my spec for Speed 3: Turbo Segway.”

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Edward Snowden

“In 2014, before holidaying to a new location, I will make sure they have a reliable WiFi connection.”

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Andy Murray

“In 2014, I will finally win Wimbledon for my country… Oh, wait. Right. Shit… Who am I?”

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Royal Baby of Cambridge

“In 2014, I pledge to take more time to stop and eat the roses.”

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Piers Morgan

“In 2014, I must remember to inform every member of the NRA that they are terrible marksmen.”

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Nigella Lawson

“In 2014, my salt shaker will once again be filled with actual salt.”

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Jennifer Lawrence

“In 2014, I will take the time to thank M.U.M and D.A.D for making me the genetically-optimised cyborg I am today.”

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Lena Dunham

“In 2014, I will begin production on a Girls‘ spin-off told purely from the perspective of Hannah’s left ass cheek.”

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Anderson Silva

“2014. Cancel jazz-ballet enrollment. Research contortionism.”

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Ned Chigliak is a recent Masters graduate of AFTRS, majoring in screenwriting, which means he is now employable as a wiper-of-tables.