How Will Girls Get Rid Of Adam?

So it seems like things are getting pretty serious between Adam Driver and Star Wars. The vaguely menacing and extremely tall Girls star is reportedly in talks to play a villain in the upcoming, J.J. Abrams-directed Episode VII. That’s all very well and good, but how’s Lena Dunham going to cope if Driver is all the way over in the UK, shooting back-to-back Star Wars sequels?

When Andrew Rannells signed up to do The New Normal, his Elijah character all but disappeared. Likewise, when Christopher Abbott experienced supposed creative differences with the show and bailed, his milquetoast Charlie was summarily written out with some lame speech about how he moved to Austin.

How is Girls going to deal with its Adam Driver problem, and what the hell will become of his character? Girls fans Alasdair Duncan and Caitlin Welsh had a think about it, and come up with nine ways in which Adam can be written out. We hope you’re paying attention, Lena Dunham.

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Taken Out By A Fatal Third-Degree Burn From Shoshanna

Shosh once told Adam how nice it is that he doesn’t have “a job, or responsibilities, or places to be during the day, or a best friend…”, and she wasn’t even trying to hurt his feelings. If she really set her sights on him, systematically shitting on every aspect of his life from his hair to his acting to his HPV and his propensity for peeing on girls, he’d probably straight-up die of shame.

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Cast In An HBO Show About 20-Somethings In Brooklyn Based On Hannah’s E-Book

Hannah’s former publisher Mill St fuck her over yet again by selling the rights to her memoir to HBO, and changing it just enough that she can’t sue them. Adam, cast as the protagonist’s lanky and weird sort-of boyfriend, must choose between Hannah’s feelings and a career-making role. He chooses the latter.

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Murdered By Natalia’s Friend Angie, Who Returns And Literally Reaches Down His Throat To Rip His Balls Out Via His Liver

Remember how Natalia’s friend, played by Amy Schumer, showed up to rain holy hell on Adam at the start of this year, and it was incredibly deserved and cathartic? We’d be up for an entire episode of this, maybe guest directed by Eli Roth, culminating in Adam’s grisly demise. This would make for a good Season Four opener.

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Is Named One Of New York’s 30 Most Eligible Bachelors Under 30, Then Plummets Down An Elevator Shaft At The Party

Awards and recognition are just a bourgeoisie construct for fakes and phonies to pat each other on the back. Adam falls off the wagon and makes a disgrace of himself at the ’30 Under 30′ party, peeing on his award, doing coke with Jessa, and then making a memorable exit by falling to his death down an elevator shaft.

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Spontaneously Proposes To Hannah, But Skimps On Wedding Stationery And Dies After Licking Poisoned Envelopes

We dare Lena Dunham to write this one.

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Hideously Maimed In A Wood-Working Accident

Adam likes working with wood, as a handy signifier of the primal alpha male-ness lurking beneath his cool Brooklyn dude exterior. Wouldn’t it be terrible if something happened involving a circular saw blade and his pretty face?

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Taken To A Secret Lair In The Sewers Underneath Broadway By Kristin Chenoweth

Adam is a serious actor who refuses to lower himself to the level of the Broadway milieu or make nice with the crew. As punishment for his bad attitude, he is imprisoned in a lair deep under the sewers of Broadway, where he writes tortured love ballads about Hannah for the rest of his days.

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Becomes An Unwitting Internet Celebrity When Hannah’s Secret Twitter Account ‘S**t Adam Says’ Goes Viral

Buzzfeed do an article called ‘10 Reasons We Love Adam Sackler’, but the final straw comes when Gawker publish his dick pics. He leaves New York behind and runs away to Portland, where he grows a beard, gets way into craft beers, and starts a business doing up fixie bikes for unusually tall men. Hannah tells the story and laughs heartily about it over a boozy lunch with her new best friend Diane Keaton.

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Chopped Up By An Axe-Crazy Old Man Ray

Tortured by loneliness, self-help platitudes, memories of his broken relationships with 20-something ditzes, the unfeeling nature of DJs and bar reviewers and garbage-bin-squatting neighbours, and too much jazz, Ray snaps and spends an episode hunting down the main cast so he can bash in their whiny skulls with a vintage group handle. Shosh, as Final Girl, survives the massacre and must live with her guilt for breaking his spirit. Dunham says that the series has always been building towards this ending, and Driver’s departure simply brought forward the inevitable.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.

Caitlin Welsh is a freelance writer. She has written for The BRAG, Mess + Noise, FasterLouder, Cosmopolitan, TheVine, Beat, dB, X-Press, and Moshcam. Follow her Girls recaps here.