How To Order A Drink Like Hollywood

As the preferred beverage of everyone from Don Draper to real-life Al Capone, Canadian Club proudly present this ‘How To’. Cheers!

The act of ordering a beverage may seem simple, but it’s not.

It’s not merely about successfully obtaining the drink of your choice (don’t be daft); instead, it’s a subtly-coded social dance with endless variables to consider. Are you trying to blend in? Stand out? Trying to impress the person sitting next to you? Trying to repel the person sitting next to you? Trying to impress the bartender? Trying to impress the whole bar? Context is important.

A longshoreman probably won’t win many friends by walking into a dive and offering an incredibly detailed run-down of what he requires in his martini. Likewise, James Bond will probably attract the wrong kind of attention if he orders a beer with a raw egg in a swanky Montenegrin casino. And hopping behind the bar to make it yourself is probably only a good idea if you’re the manliest man in the history of manhood.

Bearing that in mind, here’s a run-down of some of pop culture’s most memorable orders: the drinks, the techniques, and when they might come in handy. Godspeed.

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The consensus builder: John Candy and the Orange Whip

Film: The Blues Brothers

As Sheriff Burton Mercer, John Candy understands the benefits of solidarity: the police force that drinks together, fights crime together.

The great unanswered question in this scene is whether Candy is ordering three Orange Whips (the refreshing non-alcoholic beverage) or three Orange Whips (the execrable cocktail made with rum, vodka, cream and orange juice). Given that they are on-duty members of Illinois’ finest, one has to assume the former. Given Candy’s reputation, though…

Drink: Orange Whip.

Degree of order difficulty: 2/10. Even if it tastes nasty, no-one’s ever going to stop you from ordering a round.

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Gentle but firm: Scarlett Johansson and the Vodka Tonic

Film: Lost In Translation

You’re a young married woman, sat next to a flirtatious middle-aged man. He’s nice enough, but possibly a smidge inebriated. How do you take control of the situation? Like this.

The scene is great for about five reasons: the location; the rapport between the actors; Bob’s barely-perceptible wince when the waiter joins in on his catchphrase; the way it establishes everything you need to know about the two characters; and, of course, Johansson’s nice-try-mate smirk.

Drink: Vodka tonic.

Degree of order difficulty: 3/10. Mind the balance between headstrong and surly, though.

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The ‘most important meal of the day’: Ziggy Sobotka and The Breakfast

TV Show: The Wire

They say you shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach, but what if you’re really hungry and really thirsty? Well, if you’re a Baltimore longshoreman, you give new meaning to the phrase ‘liquid breakfast’. At least, that’s if The Wire is to be believed.

Don’t try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Drink: Beer with a raw egg.

Degree of order difficulty: 4/10. Ordering is the easy part. Keeping it down is the hard part.

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Owning it: JD and The Appletini

TV Show: Scrubs

You’re a man’s man in a man’s man’s world, but after a hard day of pranks, japery and life lessons, you love nothing more than a sweet, fruity cocktail. What do you do? You own it. You look the bartender in the eye with a face that says, “I know you’re questioning my manhood, but I don’t care because my tastebuds are in heaven right now.”

That, or you pretend it’s for someone else: y’know, either/or.

Drink: Appletini.

Degree of order difficulty: 5/10. Requires bullet-proof self-confidence.

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Keeping it casual: The Dude and The Caucasian

Film: The Big Lebowski

If you’ve ever seen The Big Lebowski, then you’ve probably tried a White Russian — or a Caucasian, as The Dude is fond of calling them. If you’ve ever had one, you’ll know that they’re a pretty crummy drink; the sort of thing that a shiftless LA deadbeat in a dressing gown might drink.

So why did you even try it in the first place? Because a shiftless LA deadbeat in a dressing gown managed to make it look so damn cool that you just couldn’t help yourself. The magic of film, huh? Stardust…

Drink: White Russian.

Degree of order difficulty: 6/10. Always check the dress code before attempting.

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The don’t-even-bother: Norm Petersen and Beer

TV Show: Cheers

Of course, if you’re really good, you don’t even need to order: drop a snappy one-liner and a beer will just appear in your hand.

Drink: Beer.

Degree of order difficulty: 7/10. This one takes loyalty, endurance, and a steady supply of wisecracks.

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The ‘you wish’: Carrie Bradshaw and the Cosmopolitan

TV Show: Sex And The City

Like so many aspects of Sex And The City (the parties, the outfits, the sex, the, uh city), Carrie Bradshaw’s signature drink, the Cosmopolitan, came to function as a sort of shorthand for glamour: “My life is great, hey look at this amazing pink drink I have that I never seem to have to actually order and pay for and never makes me sick!”

Drink: Cosmopolitan.

Degree of order difficulty: 8/10. You need to be a firm A-lister if you want your signature drink to magically appear, and even then, it helps if you’re living in a fictitious universe.

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The pedant: James Bond and the Martini

Film/s: James Bond

From the low-life to the high life. Nothing says ‘I’m a cultured guy who appreciates the finer things in life’ like micromanaging your drink order.

Of course, James Bond pulls it off — but pity the cocktail waitress who hears this line twice a night for infinity.

My favourite bit is the way that, as the years progress, Bond has to specify his preference less and less – James Bond movies mightn’t be especially realistic, but they do acknowledge that everybody knows what 007 drinks.

NB: Why shaken and not stirred? Well, it makes the drink a lot colder, which is important to cut the harshness of a vodka-based (rather than gin-based) martini — but some argue that both the vodka bit and the shaking bit are just Bond being different.

Drink: Dry vodka martini…shaken, not stirred.

Degree of order difficulty: 9/10. It’s hard to become so famous that everyone in the world knows your preferred order. Once you manage that, though, it’s actually quite easy.

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The DIY method: Don Draper and the Old-Fashioned

TV Show: Mad Men

Drinking whiskey is pretty easy, and drinking an Old-Fashioned is even easier. You know what’s hard, though? Jumping the bar; listening to an old codger reminisce; establishing yourself as a total alpha dog; telling a revealing personal anecdote that both foregrounds your humble origins and demonstrates your current elevated status — all while effortlessly mixing and handsomely pouring a couple of cocktails yourself. Good luck.

Drink: Old-Fashioned. Must be Canadian Club.

Degree of order difficulty: 10/10. If you’re going to jump the bar and go vigilante, you’d better know exactly what you’re doing.

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The creep: Jack Nicholson and a bottle of Bourbon

Film: The Shining

This is DIY taken a little too far.

What’s creepier than talking to an imaginary bartender? Working your way through an entire bottle of whiskey while talking to an imaginary bartender. Not recommended.

Drink: Bourbon

Degree of order difficulty: 1/10. Anyone can talk to an imaginary bartender and drink bourbon: you just shouldn’t, that’s all.

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Beware!

Take notes, by all means, but remember: if you’re not born with a preternatural cool, things can go horribly wrong pretty quickly.

And if someone mentions Heineken, try to keep calm.

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Edward Sharp-Paul is a freelance writer and drink-pourer from Melbourne, who has written for FasterLouder, Mess+Noise, Beat and The Brag. Follow him on Twitter @e_sharppaul.