14 Pro Tips To Making The Most Of Mardi Gras, According To Tom Ballard

On Saturday March 7, the Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade lights up Sydney one again: the sparkly, sparkly jewel in the crown of one of the two-week Mardi Gras festival, one the world’s largest annual celebrations of the LGBT community. 

The parade will be broadcast on SBS the following night, co-hosted by Tom Ballard, Pat Abboud and Magda Szubanski. To celebrate, we asked Ballard to share his survival tips with us. There seems to be a common theme: get ready to party.

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#1: Cancel Any And All Sunday Plans

Stop lying to yourself, you’re not fooling anybody; you are not going to make it to that brunch or that bike ride or whatever other dumb shit you’ve arranged.

If you do Mardi Gras correctly, you shouldn’t be able to achieve anything of value until at least Tuesday.

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#2: Eating Is A No-No

Try to cease the consumption of all foodstuffs from breakfast on the Friday before onwards. There are no toilets on the parade route, you need to fit into your dress/mankini and if you are a gentleman who, er…accommodates others? It’s just, er… It’s for the best.

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#3: Get In The Zone

Any Mardi Gras pre-drink party should include a viewing of Priscilla, followed by the playing of a k.d. lang album, followed by a reading of a William S. Burroughs novel, followed by a viewing of the Ian Thorpe/Parky interview, followed by another viewing of Priscilla, followed by the playing of a highlights package of the Alan Jones show (for no particular reason).

All accompanied by the sipping of vodka cranberries and the sniffing of amyl nitrate, of course.

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#4: Practice De-Nile 

In the week leading up to the festivities, avoid any and all mentions of Fred Nile. Don’t click on news articles with his name or face in them, don’t look him up on twitter to see what kind of rubbish he’s spouting, don’t even glitter-bomb him – it’s a waste of glitter, as far as I’m concerned.

The bloke’s had a good run of closed-mindedness and ignorance; I think it’s time we stop feeding the publicity beast and let him and his wrinkly ideas fade away into the history books.

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#5: Learn The Acronym

LGBTQIA&SAPMMADAMGWISBSDLTTAIM stands for:

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer-Identifying, Intersex, Asexuals & Straight Allies Plus My Mum And Dad And My Grandma Who Is Supportive But She Doesn’t Like To Talk About It Much.

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#6: It’s All About PASHUN, Dahhling 

The parade’s theme this year is “Passion”, so grab hold of that and interpret it in any way you see fit.

I have to wear a boring old suit for the telly, but if I was going to dress up there’s no doubt in my mind that I would be going as Tabitha Lenox.

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#7: Be Prepared To See Adult Women Roller-Blading Through A Giant Vagina

Because that totally happened last year and it was the best.

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#8: Flex-Prep

Spend a good three to four hours prior to the parade flexing your wrists and making sure they’re limber. Mardi Gras involves a lot of waving, camp wrist movements and, if not everything goes to plan, some personal time.

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#9: Enjoy Some Catty Comments That Have Been Prepared Earlier

You can still buy (some) tickets to the Parade Sideshow on Flinders Street, where my buddies Gretel Killeen and Rhys Nicholson will be joyously taking the piss out of the floats as they pass on by.

How can you say no to this face?

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#10: Play The MG Drinking Game 

Every time you see a queer person or think about something gay or take a step or breathe – DRINK!

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#11: All Hail The Dykes On Bikes 

 

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

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#12: Respec’ Dat History 

Whilst we’re all having a jolly good time twerking and exposing our breasts on motorbikes and such, it’s important to remember all that’s gone before in Australian queer history and the crucial role that Mardi Gras has played in that.

Read up on the parade’s founders, known as the ’78ers, and be inspired.

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#13: Be Prepared For Rain

It happens most years. Some whackjobs say it’s the Lord expressing His disapproval of our unholy way of life, but I think we can all agree it’s God giving us a free wet T-shirt competition.

Bring on those soaking nipples!

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#14: If You’re Going To Do Drag, Do It Better Than Me

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The Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras runs until March 8. The Parade begins at 7.45pm on Saturday March 7, starting at the corner of Oxford & Flinders Streets in Darlinghurst; it will be broadcast the following evening at 8.30pm, on SBS ONE.