How to Have a Meaningful Conversation with a Mate

Thursday 8 September 2022 marks the 14th annual R U OK? Day, the reminder that every day is a day to start a conversation with those in your world who might be struggling with life. The harm prevention charity encourages individuals to have regular, meaningful conversations with family, friends, and colleagues who we may be concerned about.

Yet even after an incredibly stressful two and a half years too many of us feel we might not be the right person to have this conversation. According to R U OK 2022 research, four in 10 Australians believe that asking, ‘are you OK?’ is a conversation better had with an expert.

“You don’t have to be an expert to have a conversation with a mate,” states Director of Psychological Services at Centre for Corporate Health Rachel Clements. “We want to bust that myth.

“You’ve got the skills to help someone, that’s why the theme [of R U OK?Day ] this year is ‘Ask R U OK? No qualifications needed’.”

Over the course of a phone call with Clements (who has one of the most calm and reassuring voices I’ve ever heard) she outlined the ways we are all qualified to have a conversation with someone who might be struggling and how it can benefit all parties involved.

Here are the four steps of an R U OK? conversation that could change a life.

Ask

How do you know if you need to ask someone if they are OK? Clements says it’s all about having your friends on your radar.

“Think consciously, do I have anybody in my life that maybe in the last few months has had a relationship challenge or a relationship breakdown? Do I know anyone going through financial hardships? Do I know anybody who has experienced grief or loss?”

If so, you may need to work up the courage to ask if they are OK. One of the best ways you can prepare for this is to ensure you have plenty of time to listen to your mate’s response.

“Don’t initiate a conversation with a friend when you only have a few spare minutes. One of the biggest gifts you can give someone is your time.”

Clements also suggests prefacing, ‘are you OK?’ with a personal message such as, ‘I’ve noticed a few changes in you, are you OK?’ or ‘It’s been a little while since we last spoke, are you OK?’ An empathetic tone of voice should be used to assure your mate they are safe and are not being judged.

Listen

To really have a good conversation about mental health with a mate, you’re going to have to listen without judgement. Worried you’re not a good listener? You’re not alone, according to Rachel Clements “very few of us are good listeners,” but that doesn’t mean we can’t have these conversations.

“Be ready to listen without judgement. Don’t worry about trying to fix or resolve challenges, separate that in your mind, you’re probably not going to be able to solve their personal challenges.”

‘Active listening’ is one of the best ways to have a meaningful conversation. Encourage your mate to answer questions with a subtle nod of your head or an ‘uh-huh’ to prompt them to keep talking. Don’t be afraid of a bit of silence, that’s a good thing, and encourages your mate to keep talking

Clements acknowledges that someone currently experiencing a mental health condition (44% of Australian adults at some point in their life) may not give an honest answer and instead say they are OK even if they’re not. If that happens, Clements suggests making eye contact and gently asking them again.

“Let them know you are here to support them. Don’t be afraid to have another go. It’s called the broken record, it might sound the same to you but to the other person they might be hearing it for the very first time.”

Encourage Action

While you may not be able to solve all your mate’s problems, you can encourage them to take action. Better still, you can offer to do small things for them that will make a world of difference.

“You could ask ‘what’s one thing we can do together that might support you right now?’ ‘How can I support you in this?’ It could even be going online together and looking at some resources, making the phone call together to a health professional.”

Anyone who has been depressed before knows that reaching out for medical assistance is never easy. By offering to do something as simple as booking an appointment with a GP you are helping your mate by doing something useful and showing that you care.

Follow Up

A comforting statistic shows that 86% of people who had an R U OK? conversation with their mate took the time to follow up with them. Following up is an important step because it demonstrates that we care about our mates beyond just one conversation, and it builds trust.

“You send the message to the other person that you are here to support them, you are there for them and you care about them. Those efforts do not go unrecognised.”

Additionally, Clements says being proactive in contacting your mate is a much more reliable approach than saying ‘message me if you’re not feeling well.’ By actively following up we are not just helping people we care about but helping ourselves.

“The asker also benefits from engaging in the conversation with 80% feeling that they’ve made a difference. You can make a positive impact on someone’s life.”

The struggles we deal with mentally are not always easily overcome, so the conversations we have about mental health can sometimes be complex. However the advice from Rachel Clements and R U OK? is that we all have what it takes to make a difference to the people in our world through having these regular, meaningful conversations.

“You’ve got the skills. It’s not about having all the solutions, it’s better if you don’t! Be comfortable not having all the answers because you can ask, you can listen, you can encourage action, and you can follow up. That is what helps the most.”

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‘Ask R U OK? – No qualifications needed’. Because a conversation could change a life. Get conversation tips at ruok.org.au

For support at any time of day or night, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.