How to get the ultimate dad bod
You may or may not have heard, but suddenly “dad bods” are “sexy”. What is a dad bod? Apparently it’s halfway between the pub and the gym; a mix of muscular bulk and endless weekends of chicken parmigiana. The tubby-yet-masculine body type lumbered into the limelight last year when cuddle-starved university student, Mackenzie Pearson, wrote an article detailing exactly why a bit of flab around the abs makes her weak at the ring-finger. Having a tubby boyfriend, you see, will make a girl look smaller and prettier in profile pictures – relationship goals achieved!
“We want to look skinny and the bigger the guy, the smaller we feel and the better we look next to you in a picture,” Pearson cooed.
A well-padded partner is also much better to cuddle with, apparently; nobody wants to curl up with Michelangelo’s David. These days, girls want to feel like a cat on a waterbed: “No one wants to cuddle with a rock. Or Edward Cullen. The end.” (Yeah, vampires are out, too. Sorry, former pro-baseballer Sammy Sosa.)
So whether you’re interested in wooing size-conscious undergrads like Mackenzie Pearson (great name, isn’t it? She sounds like a Scottish haircare heiress), or you feel like beefing up your slender beau, we’ve put together this nicely layered sandwich of an article to help you do just that.
But first, a word of warning: getting a dad bod is more than just loading carbs. Like training for the Olympics or perfecting the art of Zen, it’s an attitude, a state of mind, a way of life. You can’t just eat like a dad – you must become him.
If you think you can stomach all that, say goodbye to those uncomfortably hard abs and hello to a life of non-threatening huggability!
Get saucy with potatoes
If your chips lack sauce, they’re basically a salad. Look after yourself – and your relationship – by drowning those bad boys in sodium-rich deliciousness. You don’t want your girl eyeing up some other guy’s bulging flannel shirt, do you?
Swap that six-pack for a six-pack
Want to fast-track those track-pants? One of the quickest ways to circumferential success lies in a 4,000-year-old secret devised by those canniest of cat-lovers, the ancient Egyptians. I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that I’m talking about beer.
Skip the workout, hit the bar and chug your way to sexy. If you don’t have time for a big one, fear not: grab some cans, a knife and a shotgun like it’s the fourth of July at an Alabama gun rally.
And remember, guys – hops before squats.
Dranks before planks.
Grains before gains.
Sips before di-
OK, I’m done.
Accessorise
Is your progress lagging behind? Has your body remained stubbornly sculpted despite your best efforts? Don’t despair – there is hope!
Try wearing a baggy polo shirt and tucking it into your jeans – instant tummy roll! For extra dag appeal, push back that hairline with a pair of bright metallic sunnies. A generously cut Hawaiian shirt will do wonders for an exercise-ravaged waistline.
Of course, all of this runs the risk of disappointing any young woman who happens to throw you down on the couch for a sordid session of Netflix, only to discover that your bountiful gut is nothing but padding and posturing. False advertising can only get you so far.
If all else fails, just act like a dad
Make the odd racist joke at barbecues. Complain about mobile phones even though you use your own constantly. Smile expectantly after making jokes. And most importantly, act like a true-blue yobbo around your mechanic – even if you’re an accountant.
I can’t speak for Mackenzie Pearson, but nailing these tips just might make up for your lack of loveable chub.
(Just kidding – you’re a skinny, unhuggable loser.)
Joel Svensson
Business major, journalism minor and sometime voice-actor, Joel Svensson pretends to be smart at La Trobe University in Melbourne.