Celebrity

Yes I Would Like To Attend Fyre Festival 2.0, Actually

I promise not to sue.

by Nick Bhasin  12 April 2023
Fyre Festival Bella Hadid

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The first Fyre Festival was a spectacular disaster. Convicted felon Billy McFarland and bad rapper Ja Rule organised a music event to take place in the Bahamas over a couple of weekends in 2017, convincing influencers like Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Emily Ratajkowski to promote it. Around 5,000 people paid up to $100,000 for tickets and showed up, expecting gourmet meals and luxury accommodation. Instead, they got cheese sandwiches, wet mattresses and emergency aid tents.

Two documentaries were made.

McFarland went to prison for four years and still owes people a lot of money.

And now? 

He’s doing it all over again, posting a tweet announcing the return of Fyre Festival and asking people to explain why they should be invited. 

Just look at this thing:

Well, I want in.

Billy McFarland I hope you’re reading this…

Here is why I think I should be invited to “Fyre Festival II”:

I Am An Aspiring Influencer

A lot of people assume that just because I’m 65 years old and I am known by friends and family to provide “horrible financial advice” and I only have 35 followers on Instagram and TikTok (combined), I can’t be an influencer.

First of all, I’m a work in progress and I’m listening and learning.

Second of all, people want to hear what I have to say on a number of topics. I got my neighbour to invest in the crypto exchange FTX. My wife loves the Google Glass thing I got her. And my cousin gave me $100,000 for a house in the metaverse, where, I assume, he is still living happily without his family.

So I would be an essential attendee.

If There’s Music, Great – But It’s Not Necessary

People that know me know that I don’t need music to have a good time. Even if it’s a music festival. I can be perfectly content camping out next to the hot dog guy and just gabbin’ for hours. 

So go ahead and back out again, Blink-182. Unlike those crybabies at FFI, I’m not there for the tunes. I’m there to show off my signature look – Hunter ankle wellies, oversized Barbour trench coat, oversized shag stetson hat, high-waisted (chest level) denim shorts, vinyl neck brace, Scooby Doo blanket shawl and Color Me Badd band tee.

I Will Literally Do Whatever Kendall Jenner Tells Me To Do

I mean it. I’m not totally sure who she is or what she does, but she seems to like Pepsi and tequila and she’s just got… something. So I will certainly show up to a music festival she’d never go to if she promises I’ll have a good time. She doesn’t even need to promise, really. All she has to say is, “Go there”. That’s all I need. I am that suggestible.

When I See Promotional Videos Featuring Models, I Assume That I Will Have The Same Experience As Those Models

You don’t have to sell me on the quality of the music or accommodation. All you need to do is show me this:

I won’t look into the weather or how to access the boat the models are partying on or any of that. As soon as I watch something like this, I assume life will be exactly like that for me.

I Have $100,000 (Cash) That Needs To Be Spent Right Away Or The Government (Which I Don’t Recognise As Legitimate) Will Come After Me

The less I say about this the better.

I Don’t Know What This Tweet Means But I Am 100% On Board

I’m texting this guy right now. Very excited to be a part of this journey. 

Is that what this is? A journey?

You know what forget I asked it doesn’t matter.

I Won’t Sue

Listen, as long as I come out of this thing alive, I will be more than honoured just to have been invited. Even if I’m somehow swept out to sea, as long as I’m eventually found, you won’t hear me complain. Even if I develop gout or trench foot or gangrene, hepatitis A and/or E, scurvy, pandapox… we’ll be square.

I just want the opportunity to be part of the greatest music festival of all time.

Wherever it is.

(It can’t be the Bahamas – McFarland is wanted by the police there.)

​​This is a satirical piece written by Nick Bhasin. His debut novel, I Look Forward to Hearing from You, will be published by Penguin Random House Australia on 13 June. Follow him on Twitter, if it still exists.

Main image credit: YouTube, Fyre Festival promo