Ranking The Most Iconic Horror Movie Villains By Whether I Could Kill Them
Spooky season might be over for 2021, but Chucky can always catch these hands.
As expected, the spooky season has got me thinking about horror movies. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about how dumb some of the deaths in horror movies are.
For example, anyone and everyone who dies in Candyman because they’re actually foolish enough to summon the vengeful spirit for shit and giggles. Or Steve Hadley from The Cabin in the Woods, who simply let a merman — a creature that literally cannot walk outside of water — eat his face off on land because he was too lazy to run away.
Hell, even Beau’s death in A Quiet Place was entirely avoidable, if only Lee was just a little better at hiding batteries from his fun-deprived four-year-old. You know, considering they lived in a land where making noise literally led to death?
Basically, I feel like a lot of horror movie deaths come down to some very dumb decisions where death can easily be avoided if logic came into play. So, I’ve decided to rank some of the most iconic horror movie villains by how likely I would be to survive a 1:1 battle with them:
14. Mister Babadook (The Babadook, 2014)
Lucky for the Babadook, he’s a queer icon. Therefore, I refuse to kill him.
But really, Mister Babadook is just a manifestation of grief and sadness, and considering I have depression, I never would’ve won against him anyway.
13. Kayako (The Grudge, 2004)
Western ghosts, ghouls, and killers are one thing to try and tackle, but Asian horror movie villains are 7000 times worse.
I fear that there is no beating the onryō from The Grudge unless you’re willing to try your luck at dying and instantly being resurrected. Even then, there’s no telling whether the curse will even spare you if you do survive.
But to be honest, I don’t think I’d even try. If I had uprooted my entire life to move to Japan and a dead girl tried to haunt me out of the place, I just wouldn’t leave. Kill me, sure. But at least let me enjoy a couple days in my new house first, Kayako — it’s the least you could do.
12. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street, 1984)
Another villain I could not beat would be Freddy Krueger, simply because I love to sleep and he loves to terrorise people’s dreams. I truly couldn’t imagine anything worse.
Sure, I could probably force myself to stay awake with a combination of drugs and caffeine but it isn’t even worth it to me. I’d rather sleep and take the hauntings.
Even dragging him into the real world to defeat him seems like it would be too much effort. You know, considering, his weapon of choice is a literal glove with knife fingers? How do you compete?!
11. Pennywise (It, 2017)
Unfortunately, Pennywise is an evil entity that thrives off fear — and I’m scared of everything.
I know that his preferred snack is kids because they scare easy, but just knowing that the evil clown can transform into my biggest fears already makes me want to shit myself. So sadly, I don’t think I’d last long around Pennywise.
On the flip side, I am really good at lying so perhaps I could just pretend that my biggest fear is one single ant so that I could kill Pennywise with one good stomp.
10. Leatherface (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, 1974)
Personally, I’d never pick up a hitchhiker or enter random homes in towns I do not know, so I doubt I’ll ever encounter Leatherface. But if I did, I stand no chance if your weapon of choice is a fucking chainsaw.
A knife you can at least try to dodge and if you do get sliced, it’s not your entire arm falling off. A chainsaw though?! Give me a break.
9. Norman, The Blind Man (Don’t Breathe, 2016)
If the Blind Man has superb hearing as Don’t Breathe makes him out to have, I do not have a single shot of shuffling around his house without being heard: I breathe heavy, I’m not light on my feet, and I scream any time I’m startled.
But luckily I don’t rob houses, and if I was a robber and encountered a massive rottweiler that tried to bite my face off before even entering a psycho veteran’s home, I would simply NOT be venturing inside.
8. Jigsaw (Saw, 2004)
Whether we’re talking about Jigsaw the puppet or his human controller, John Kramer, I just don’t think Jigsaw would be that hard to kill.
John is an old, frail man battling colon cancer, and how are you ever meant to take a red bow tie-wearing, bicycle-riding puppet seriously?!
Plus the difference between Jigsaw and other horror movie villains is that the Saw traps were designed to (mostly) be survivable to teach people lessons. I like to think I’m somewhat of a good person, so hopefully I’d avoid being put in the trap in the first place.
7. Ghostface (Scream, 1996)
The good thing about Ghostface is that he isn’t some supernatural being with special powers. Ghostface has only ever been a loser boy or disgruntled family member in a shitty Halloween mask, who is equipped with a tiny hunting knife.
That being said, I’m way too trusting of my friends and family so I, like Sidney Prescott, probably would never suspect someone close to me to be the one trying to murder me.
Even still, I feel like after 15 years of multiple people trying to murder me in a terrible Halloween costume, I would probably hire top-level security and just never leave my house again. Sidney could probably learn a thing or two from that.
6. Michael Myers (Halloween, 1978)
Thankfully Michael Myers only really crops up during the Halloween season to murder — and he has a strange obsession with specifically killing his own family members and those who get in the way of this.
In Australia, Halloween isn’t that big a deal so I feel like I could probably avoid Michael until he retreats back to his non-murder mode. Plus, I’ve done my Ancestry results and I have no links to any Myers family members, so I think I’m sweet.
5. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th, 1980)
Jason is super strong and realistically cannot be killed because he’s already dead. But Jason also rarely ever leaves Crystal Lake and basically spends his time hunting down those who trespass in the area.
Lucky for me, I don’t go camping and I’m not adventurous. So, I hope Jason knows how to use Google Maps and can navigate suburban streets if he ever wants to come find me.
4. Annabelle (Annabelle, 2014)
I have seen enough movies about possessed dolls to know that if I saw any crusty-looking porcelain figure in a charity shop, I would not purchase it and invite the demon into my home.
Honestly, if all it takes is locking you into a glass case blessed by priests to keep your demonic tendencies at bay like The Conjuring proved, I would… simply keep you locked away? The concept doesn’t seem that hard to understand.
3. Candyman (Candyman, 1992)
A lot of what my ability to beat these horror movie villains hinges on is how stupid I am to summon them in the first place. For Candyman, if I know saying his name five times is what will make him appear why the hell would I EVER do that?
2. Samara (The Ring, 2002)
The whole plot of The Ring revolves around a cursed video and Samara killing you at the end of seven days if you don’t pass the footage along. Now personally, I’ve received enough scam calls and texts to know that I shouldn’t open a link sent to me by random people.
However if I did somehow accidentally watch it, I’d survive because I’m a terrible person who would definitely make someone else watch the video to shift the seven-day curse onto them.
But honestly, I don’t think Samara will be that much of an issue in 2021 considering VHS players are so hard to come by these days.
1. Chucky (Child’s Play, 1988)
Unlike other horror movie villains on this list, who have special powers like the ability to alter reality, invade dreams, or possess humans they come into contact with, Chucky is just a silly little 2’4″ doll that runs around with a knife. Short (demonic) king!
Sure, he might be possessed by a voodoo-practicing serial killer and can hop from doll to doll, but I have full confidence that I could yeet this little gremlin — and any other dolls he may jump into — off the face of the Earth with one good shove.
If Chucky the doll tried to attack me I would simply kick him away
— replying "@ArtDecider?" to woman's selfie (@alexqarbuckle) February 8, 2019
Michelle Rennex is a Senior Writer at Junkee. She would probably die in the first 15 minutes of a horror movie. She tweets at @michellerennex.