A ‘Married At First Sight’ Weddings Recap: What A Puzzling And Concerning Show!

Married at First Sight is currently one of the highest-rating shows on Australian television. There’s something about this program that people love; something they love more than TV about cooking competitions or ex-Australian Idol contestants crying in the jungle, apparently. But… why?

If you want to watch the identical twins get married tonight (yep) and need a shortcut into this terrifically perplexing show — in which strangers are matched by ‘relationship experts’ and then ‘married’ — well you’re in luck: I binge-watched all of the wedding episodes! Yep! Boy, did I watch them! Yep.

(By the way I don’t really recommend you do this; I realised that I’d started to say “everything is fine!” out loud to myself several times a day, which usually signals that everything is not fine because people who are fine don’t have to remind themselves that they are indeed, fine.)

At the start of Married at First Sight, three experts run the contestants through a number of tests which determine who their idea partner will be. These people cannot be trusted picking partners for themselves and, according to the producers, are deficient in different ways. The experts then congratulate each other on what good matching they have done.

“The number of singles in Australia is beginning to rise!!!” says one expert called Mel, in a tone you’d usually reserve for talking about climate change. The tests involve sniffing items for some reason, don’t ask any follow-up questions.

One of the singles is named Jonathan. Jonathan says that looks are the most important thing to him. “You’re not walking down the street going, ‘wow, I hope she has a good personality’,” he explains. Jonathan is pretty standard looking. Every time he’s not on screen I completely forget what he looks like.

The experts say that Jonathan is “a peacock”, which is not exactly what I’d call him, and he thus matches best with Cheryl — a 25-year-old who the producers often show adjusting her boobs.

“What if he’s a ranga? Nothing against them but they’re not my thing,” she explains to her family. Cheryl’s dad is Scottish and wraps his beer in a tea towel, which immediately makes him the most fascinating and enigmatic person on this show.

Cheryl doesn’t like Jonathan. “Oh my god, he’s so little,” she says to her dad. “Oh my god, he’s a nerd!!” her dad says in glee. For some reason she lies to Jonathan and says that she’s wearing heels, because that’s easier than telling him that she’s taller than him (something a woman should never be, no sir).

“He’s not like the ugliest guy, I probably wouldn’t look twice at him in the street, but I’m not repalled by him,” Cheryl says, joining together the words ‘repulsed’ and ‘appalled’ to make one super word that is an even worse version of both of those bad words.

“I think I have bigger hands than you,” Cheryl says at the wedding. Jonathan looks like he wants to die.

Jonathan and Cheryl do a photoshoot with all the excitement of two people who have recently been taken hostage. Apart from the fact that Cheryl isn’t hiding the fact that she is repalled by Jonathan, the most interesting thing about their wedding is a woman named ‘Emma’ who at the reception introduces herself as Jonathan’s little sister. She’s actually the twin sister of his ex-girlfriend.

Emma spends most of her time in the corner, telling the producers all of the (many) reasons why she thinks this marriage will not work out. Emma refers to herself in the third person sometimes, saying things like, “Do you want my Emma answer?” which means that she must have answers which are not Emma answers. “He needs my family more than he knows, and he knows it,” Emma says of Jonathan.

Anyway, Emma causes a ruckus and one Cheryl’s 50 sisters overhears. “You don’t judge someone by their book,” one of the sisters says to Emma. Emma realises she has met her match and the sisters rejoice, having protected their sister Cheryl’s marriage to a man she openly despises.

The next single to be matched is a cowboy (??) named Sean. “I hope she likes cowboys!” says Friend Of Sean.

Sean’s friends think what he’s doing is very silly, but seem more perplexed that he’s getting married in Melbourne. “This is concrete city, mate!” his best man says. “I’m just as nervous as he is being in the big smoke!” Then Sean’s best man says, “Wrangler butts drive the girls nuts” and starts waggling his butt, and suddenly he is the new best person on the show.

Sean is marrying Susan, and they fall in love almost immediately. “You look beautiful,” Sean says after he gets off his literal horse. “I think he’s going to be easy to love,” says Susan. This is all you need to know, they will be together forever!!

Next up is Michael. John Aiken says Michael is the “most challenging groom we’ve ever had”. John Aiken says this, because Michael only wants to be matched with a woman who is under 60kg, is a “natural beauty” (“If I find someone who is ugly and I’m not attracted to that person at all, I’ll probably say I’m not going through with the wedding,” he says) and who has “small ears”.

That person is Scarlett, an “aspiring author” who still lives at home at 30 because she likes her mum looking after her (she specifically mentions being able to leave cups around the house and not having to clean them). “THERE’S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR PERSONAL GROWTH,” says an expert named Mel. The experts rub their hands together in glee.

Thank goodness Scarlett is in the weight bracket that Michael finds acceptable. Everything seems fine with the couple, except that Scarlett’s mum immediately hates Michael. She feels as though she was ignored at the wedding. She cannot believe that while Michael was getting married to a stranger, he didn’t take the time to make deliberate eye contact with her from the altar.

“He was really rude at the wedding,” Scarlett’s mum tells Michael’s cousin. “I have not been happy with the groom,” she tells Michael’s sister. “He was rude like a pig,” she tells some poor dude that had the misfortune of sitting next to her.

Scarlett keeps telling Michael that she writes “for a living” although the producers are very clear in putting ‘aspiring’ before her job title, which is extremely shady. Scarlett writes a toast for the wedding that she spends a lot of time describing as “sooo funny”. “I wrote something really funny,” she reminds Michael.

Scarlett does the speech and well… it’s something. It’s not exactly funny — it kind of reminds me of the jokes written on cards you’d find in petrol stations on remote highways, that say things like: ‘A WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND IS HER CREDIT CARD!!’. But I admire her for taking this very unique opportunity to promote her personal brand.

“This is probably the best thing I’ve ever written down,” she says. And you know what? I really believe her.

Next up we have Anthony, a race commentator who is too busy talking about horses to find love. He’s excited, but very nervous. “It’s like the night before Melbourne Cup!!” he says. He’s marrying Nadia, a flight attendant who feels absolutely no attraction to Anthony.

“Was that your nana who walked you down the aisle?” says Anthony, keen to make some small talk before the vows. “Ah… that’s my mum,” says Nadia. “I die,” says Anthony.

At the wedding, their rings don’t fit and Nadia refuses to kiss Anthony. I’ve got a good feeling about these too.

But don’t worry, there’s more miserable people just around the corner! Here’s Simon! “Simon is the most unlucky in love we’ve ever seen,” the experts say, eyes shining with delight. They’re matching him up Eleni, who can look after him because she’s a nurse, and is also “a survivor” because her family is from Lebanon. The experts once again congratulate each other for being able to match such wacko, difficult cases as these.

Simon says he has seen Eleni before, “IN MY DREAMS!!!!”. “He’s not what I’d go for physically,” says Eleni. Simon is flabbergasted by the Lebanese band and can’t tell what bloody language they’re all speaking! Eleni drops her wedding ring down the dunny!

Eleni is not very sure about Simon, but concedes that although “the physical attraction still isn’t there, he has a nice personality”. Simon is just happy to be involved.

The next couple is Andy, a man who the experts say has “a taste for adventure”. They say that because Andy was in the army and has been deployed in both Afghanistan and Iraq — doesn’t get much more adventurous than that! Vanessa is a good natured woman who really wants to have a baby. She thinks everything is funny and cannot stop laughing all through the ceremony and the reception.

Andy doesn’t mind, which is pretty good sign.

“DO YOU LIKE ME, HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING!!!” Vanessa says and Andy just sort of smiles at her. Vanessa seems to talk a lot when she’s nervous and Andy stops talking all together when he’s nervous, but Vanessa thinks this is good because she might learn to listen more. As they talk, the camera focuses on a statue of a stone lion with water spurting out of its mouth, which is either deeply metaphorical or incredibly insulting.

Last night, some more people got married. Boy, did they! This year Married is allowing people in their fifties to be on the show, a true act of charity by commercial TV executives. John is a father of two who loves “that football club sort of humour when you’re all putting shit on each other”. Deborah is an ex-model who longs for a proper family. “Great match,” the experts mutter to each other and smile. “Very good, great match.”

Deborah disagrees.

The reason for her disappointment is, for some reason that I still can’t work out, Deborah thought John was going to be “of Polynesian descent”, perhaps because of the beach-y aesthetics of the wedding. Regardless, she still married him, and reads out her vows in which she promises to wash John’s clothes and “submit” to him. Hm.

When John is nervous, apparently, he sticks out his tongue lots. Deborah finds this even more disturbing than she finds his lack of Polynesian heritage. “There’s a lot of wrong things there at the moment,” she says.

At the reception Deborah says that even though “I wanted someone from the Polynesian Islands, now I’ll have to overcome that” which is the most promising thing she has said so far. Some dancers come out at the reception and she mutters to the person beside her, “Now that’s culture”.

John doesn’t stand a chance.

There was one wedding however, that ended in a very strange fashion. Out of all of the matches, Lauren and Andrew’s partnership made perfect sense. She’s an independent lady who likes working out and sells cars for a living, he’s a firefighter looking to settle down. They’re both attractive, seemingly normal people!

However out of all the brides, Lauren seemed the most on edge. Lauren determinedly picked fights with a bridesmaid named Jasmine, yelling things like, “IT’S DEFINITELY ABOUT THE BRIDESMAIDS TODAY, NOT ME!!” when Jasmine offered opinions about her hair and then aggressively dismissing Jasmine when Jasmine tried to console her about (look, I can’t remember what it was about).

“Jasmine I know, okay?? I KNOW, OKAY JASMINE??” Lauren said, someone is obviously okay and who knows.

After expressing initial reservations that Andrew might be a murderer and repeating “normal people don’t do this!!” and “this is shit” to anyone who will listen, Lauren begins to relax. Meanwhile, Andrew brought an acoustic guitar to his own wedding which is similar to being a murderer imo.

Even though Andrew is not tall, Lauren sticks around for the wedding anyway. “I really like his character and he’s really sexy,” she says by the end of the reception. They make out several times! Then the screen fades to black and the next thing we know it’s the next day, and Andrew is alone.

Apparently they left the hotel to go to the bar next door, but when Andrew turned around Lauren had “vanished”. Her suitcase is still in the room and she is not picking up Andrew’s call? Before you get too stressed though, we know that nothing must have happened to Lauren — despite the complete lack of information the show gave us last night — because her absence will be “explained” tonight.

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Married At First Sight is on tonight at 7.30pm on Channel 9.