We know it’s not easy choosing which overseas festival to drop your rent money on. They all look so good in the festival-produced, model-filled, colour-corrected trailers and after-movies!

Alas, despite what marketing would have us believe, it’s not always sunny in the land of festivals. You won’t see those epic queues, grisly toilets and faulty cashless wristbands on the official Instagram feed.

That’s where a bit of cold hard honesty comes in handy. If you’ve learned nothing from countless ‘World’s Best Festivals’ lists so far, allow us to help. Here you’ll find 100 percent honest takes on five big festival names that are always in the conversation. We’ve even included a highly scientific ranking, so you’ll know with mathematical certainty which festival is your happy place.

#1 Coachella

Photo: Coachella/Wikimedia Comons

Biggest pluses: Coachella takes place at a grassy polo club in the middle of the California desert, which means it’s very unlikely you’ll be rained on. This counts for a lot. The walk between stages is also relatively kind, and there’s a food vendor called Spicy Pie you’ll remember as fondly as any band. And did we mention the incredible line-ups? They’re at least as good as those dodgy fake posters.

Biggest minuses: Bashing the Coachella crowd is pretty hacky by now, but just know you might have to watch your favourite act through some bro’s iPhone camera, or by craning over a culturally insensitive Native American headdress.

Don’t attend if: Your bank balance is already in the red. A Coachella weekend is stupid expensive, and we can only recommend so many baked bean dinners in the lead-up.

Our highly scientific ranking: 9 Bey-approved cutoff shorts out of 10 for its line-ups, and 8 trending hashtags out of 10 for everything else, earning Coachella the No. 1 spot.

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#2 Glastonbury

Biggest pluses: Everyone knows Glastonbury. Of all the sodden festivals crammed into a UK ‘summer’, Glasto remains the king of the mud heap – even as it takes a year off in 2018.

Artists bring their best to the hallowed ground of Worthy Farm, and there’s nowhere better to see national heroes like Adele, Radiohead, Stormzy and Craig David. (Never forget Craig David.) As big as you picture Glastonbury, it’s even bigger, and that immense scale makes for a mind-bending experience.

Biggest minuses: Say goodbye to all your personal hygiene hang-ups. Glastonbury is filthy, and you will be too. You’re also going to spend a lot of time walking between stages, probably in gumboots, because did we mention the mud? Finally, with so much to see at Glastonbury, you’ll experience FOMO even when you’re there.

Don’t attend if: Your idea of festival fun is watching the live stream in bed with a strong cup of tea.

Our highly scientific ranking: 9  ‘grammable moments out of 10 for its line-ups, and 7 mud-caked gumboots out of 10 for everything else, putting it narrowly behind Coachella at No. 2.

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#3 Fuji Rock Festival

Photo: Fuji Rock Festival/Facebook

Biggest pluses: Fuji Rock’s home is a ski resort a couple of hours outside Tokyo, making it instantly superior to most other festivals. The line-up is always on-point (in 2018, you get N.E.R.D., Kendrick Lamar and Bob Dylan as headliners), the site is kept spotless by a polite-yet-strict recycling scheme and there are hazy mountain views in every direction. Oh, and once you try Japanese festival food, there’s no going back to hot chips in a cup.

Biggest minuses: You know those hazy mountain views we mentioned? That means it’s probably raining too. Fuji Rock is notoriously soggy, so you’ll want to do like the locals and dress for a hike, not a summer festival. Because rain means mud, and a ski resort means slopes, be careful where you set up camp. At a festival this well behaved, you don’t want to be the guy whose tent goes sliding down the slopes at 4am.

Don’t attend if: You refuse to wear plastic ponchos.

Our highly scientific ranking: 7 sensible raincoats out of 10 for the line-ups, and 8 warming ramen bowls out of 10 for everything else, making this our No. 3 pick.

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#4 Lollapalooza

Photo: Lollapalooza/Facebook

Biggest pluses: Lollapalooza started in 1991, meaning it’s the same age as Ed Sheeran. That’s old in festival years, so Lolla knows what it’s doing by now. Its longtime home of Grant Park is right in downtown Chicago, the line-ups rival any other US festival and it happens in August, when the city isn’t frozen solid. Also available: every local delicacy your arteries desire.

Biggest minuses: Lollapalooza is huge, humid and – gasp! – all ages. That means four long, sticky days surrounded by swarms of people, many of them teenagers. Do you also like long lines? Lolla has those too, in every variety! All this comes at quite a price. A GA pass costs around $500 AUD, or you can avoid common folk altogether with the absurd $5000 Platinum pass.

Don’t attend if: You suffer from queue rage.

Our highly scientific ranking: 8 sweat-soaked band shirts out of 10 for its line-ups, and 6 deep dish pizza slices out of 10 for everything else, landing Lolla in the No. 4 spot.

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#5 Tomorrowland

Photo: Tomorrowland/Facebook

Biggest pluses: Come July, this mega-festival brings every DJ worth his or her USB drive to the quaint Belgian town of Boom (yes, really). With main stage production that makes Disneyland look subtle, no expense is spared on spectacle. The festival’s famous after-movies each run longer than an episode of Neighbours, ensuring ticket demand stays high.

Biggest minuses: Tomorrowland has a new fairytale theme each year – in 2018, it’s ‘The Story of Planaxis’ – but you’re just as likely to get The Kingdom of Grey Skies and Drizzle. Other hazards include long walks between stages, the toilets on day three and headaches brought on by DJs telling you to jump. Also, try not to only eat Belgian fries all weekend.

Don’t attend if: You’re on the fence about dance music.

Our highly scientific ranking: 7 confetti blasts out of 10 for its line-ups, and 6 celeb sightings out of 10 for everything else, making Tomorrowland our No. 5 pick.

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