Some Guesses At What Sad Ben Affleck’s New “Really Cool” Batman Script Is About

After what’s been possibly the worst week of his life since the release of Gigli, it’s been announced Ben Affleck has written a script to a new solo Batman film. The news was broken by one of William Morris Endeavour’s CEOs Patrick Whitesell in a cover story with The Hollywood Reporter overnight in which he described Affleck’s proposal as “a really cool idea”. And, though nothing is locked in yet, it’s being met with a confused medley of emotions.

On the one hand, Ben Affleck is a critically-acclaimed filmmaker. He’s won a swag of accolades including Academy Awards for his directorial work on Argo and co-written screenplay for Good Will Hunting. His other original writing for The Town and Gone Baby Gone has been ultimately well-received, and his dedication to the Batman franchise is well-documented. Creative control over a movie was in the actor’s contract when he signed up for the role way back in 2013 and plans for the film were first thrown around at last year’s Comic Con. There’s no reason it shouldn’t be great!

On the other hand, considering the savaging Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has been copping from critics and the general sense of existential despair Sadfleck’s been emanating over the past few days, there’s something upsetting about the whole thing. It’s as if he pumped it out on his LiveJournal mere moments after watching his life cave in on itself during that now-infamous press junket interview.

Despite having a Best Screenplay AND Picture Oscar, "Ben Affleck wrote his own Batman movie" sounds like he did it in crayon on a legal pad.

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) March 31, 2016

With all that in mind, here are a few things he may have dreamt up:

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Plot #1

Batman discovers he was adopted and his real parents are salt of the earth dock workers who’ve been searching for him for the past few decades to no avail. He returns to Boston (they’re from Boston) and reconciles his lonely, privileged upbringing with the lower-class loving family life he’s always so desperately craved. He eventually gives up crime fighting, buys a sports bar, and donates his fortune to the local PCYC. The final scene of the film is him downing a fifth of Jack outside his nephew’s basketball game, staring into the sky to see the bat symbol shining from across town (Boston is next to Gotham). He tousles ‘Lil Johnny’s hair (his nephew is named ‘Lil Johnny) and strolls home for Sunday roast.

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Plot #2

Batman infiltrates a gang of petty criminals from the outskirts of Gotham (Boston) to try a different tact in his war on crime. While shooting the shit, undercover, with a variety of men in tracksuits and women with hoop earrings and smudged mascara he’s struck by a profound sense of sorrow for the systemic inequalities which led these people to break the law in the first place. He takes a particular shining to one scruffy young blond kid who holds up liquor stores to pay for food after running away from his abusive dad, takes him in to Wayne Manor and — with a new streak of empathy — employs him as a protégé to reform petty crooks in the underworld of both Gotham and Boston (mostly Boston). After an Oscar-winning performance (Ben misses out), Matt Damon (the kid is played by Matt Damon) is signed up to play Robin for three more films.

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Plot #3

Batman, sick of being dejected from his father’s legacy at Wayne Enterprises, sneaks in one night to scrawl inspired architectural plans and revolutionary weapons and rocket designs on the whiteboard in the executive meeting room. (Not being entirely sure of the company’s real business focus, this was part of a scattershot plan to cover all bases). After being caught by Alfred one night (he forgets about that constant CCTV surveillance thing), he’s corralled into an hour-long D&M (shot in real-time) in which Alfred finally reveals his tragic backstory which includes a long, unsatisfying career in corporate management and the untimely death of his wife before retreating to Wayne Manor. With this moment of intense paternalistic connection and understanding, Bruce confronts his issues with his own parents’ death and discovers the real demons weren’t coming from the earth or the sky like Lex Luthor postures, but rather, from inside his heart.

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Plot #4

Batman gives up his crusade for justice to instead become a visionary actor and filmmaker. Everyone in Boston/Gotham/the world loves him very much for his tender-hearted depiction and innate understanding of working class lives and/or masculinity and, because of this, agrees he’s much better than his childhood best friend who’s also an actor. Matt Damon is not invited to be in this one.

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