I Ghosted Facebook And Then Things Got Seriously Creepy

It started to go sour a few years ago. Times were good for a really long time before it got weird. It was a slow shift, so it was hard to really notice. But now, it’s just damn creepy.

Facebook threw all the best parties. Everyone was looking good, cracking jokes, having a wild time. And when we all caught up there it was like we were never apart. FB was the ultimate BF – confidant, informant, motivator, enabler.

But then I noticed there were people who seemed to know a lot of what I’d been up to before I ever told them anything. Even people I didn’t know were starting to ask me about things that I thought I’d told Facebook in private.

Turns out FB is the biggest gossip around. Nothing was sacred. Everyone was hearing everything! When I got angry, FB apologised. They seemed genuine about it too. They said all the right words, but were they actually hearing me? The more they apologised, the more it seemed like nothing was going to change.

So I ghosted Facebook.

I probably should have made a clean break. But we share so many friends it was almost impossible not to see each other anymore. It seemed better to just go cold and hope FB would get the message.

Instead, it was me who started getting the messages. So, so many messages. Constant requests, as if nothing was wrong. But I could tell they were desperately trying to tell me why I should come back.

First, it was just because I stopped checking my app as often as I used to. Once I stopped participating in conversations as often as I once did, I actually got more notifications than ever.

“Hey, there’s five things you’ve missed today!”

Hmmm… OK. Wow. Were they new reactions or comments on things I said? I hadn’t said anything in a while. Nope. What it was trying to tell me about actually had less and less to do with me.

What used to be “a friend replied to that thing you said” became “hey, someone you don’t know said something in that group you forgot you joined six years ago.”

OK, I guess. That is technically a thing I’d said FB could talk to me about. So I snuck back in and took it as a good excuse to go clear out those memberships in clubs and hobby groups I’d once thought might be worthy of my attention.

That’ll fix it.

“Hey, there are eight things you missed today!”

Now I’m getting push notifications for every birthday anyone is having. I mean, that’s sort of nice, I guess. But now the notifications appear as emails too? Did I accidentally turn email notifications back on? I didn’t think so…

Sneak back in. Dig through the settings menus. Find the notification settings. Switch off email again. Hope it sticks.

“Hey, there are seven new things you missed today!”

Now it’s just pathetic, FB.

This is all stuff that has nothing to do with me. A notice that a friend commented on someone else’s post. Not one I ever touched, just some other random post. FB is literally telling me that friends are talking about things amongst themselves in my absence. What kind of freak does that? How often was it doing this about me too?

Next, it’s because a friend shared a video from a page I don’t even follow. Again, not specifically shared with me. Just a post to their profile. The title sounds funny. I’m not clicking it. I don’t want to encourage this shit anymore.

Every time FB tells me there’s something I need to see – that’s what a notification is meant to do, right? – it’s just pushing me away even harder. What kind of psycho thinks this wins people back?

The neediness is overpowering. This is creeper turf, following me around, talking to me about the most inane crap in the world while I give FB nothing back in return.

There is no hint to be taken. FB just methodically, mechanically comes at you, waiting for you to cave. When you’re an AI you have infinite patience to nudge and niggle and bug until the end of time.

So now I’ve deleted FB. Not my account, no, I’m not trying to punish myself. Too many friends still haven’t seen what I’ve seen. And so, so much family will never see the light.

So the door remains ajar for when I need to find out what’s going on out there. Or when I need to use FB like it used me. I’m OK twisting it to my own ends should the need arise.

But Facebook and I can never truly be friends again. We’ve both changed so much from when we first met.