Food

Nobody Can Handle The Cursed Way Rockstar Gene Simmons Eats His Cereal

He's a cereal killer.

by Hannah Story  3 January 2020
Gene Simmons has ice in his cereal

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Sure, Gene Simmons, the 70-year-old Tommy Wiseau-looking frontman of Kiss, a ‘metal’ band who stage farewell tours then reunite in perpetuity, to this day brags about having slept with 5000 women. But have you seen what he does to his cereal?

It’s debauched, unholy and vile. It is something outside of nature. It is chaos incarnate, truly the most metal thing Simmons has done in his life.

And it has disturbed Twitter, a platform designed to aggregate horny takes and political anger all in one place. Blasphemy!

“Anyone else put ice cubes in their cereal?”, he tweeted, with an absolutely debased image. Just look:

Get fucked. You do not.

What is the logic of the ice cubes? Does he not keep milk in the fridge? Is the milk not cold enough when it comes out of the fridge? Does he like to bite down on ice while getting a mouthful of Oreo O’s? How is this 70-year-old man eating Frosted Mini-Wheats, a cereal for children?

People have come out to inform Simmons that he is absolutely on his own on this one.

Even his own son:

Folks have pointed out such useful things as the fact that adding ice to your milk will, unless you eat that cereal real fast, water down your bowl. Yuck. And they have offered Simmons suggestions for how to avoid what he apparently most fears: room temperature milk.

This is objectively the worst take though. A big nope here for potatoes + milk.

Or this:

Let’s all take a second to imagine Gene Simmons enacting this one, hey:

And because brands need to create an ~authentic~ Twitter presence, cereal maker Oreo has weighed in on the matter, declaring Simmons a futurist.

We have our cold food take of the year, and it’s only January 3. But at least we have someone asking the real questions now.