Game Of Thrones Week 7: Just KISS Already!
Last night's episode, recapped. With added 'shipping.
Welcome to this week’s Game Of Thrones column, discussing episode 7 (“The Bear And The Maiden Fair”) of season 3. If you care about spoilers, be gone! But, you know, come back once you’ve seen it, ’cause the following article’s quite interesting.
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You’re probably familiar with the fan practice of “shipping”. Short for relationship, it’s basically the squealy internet fandom version of taking your Barbie and Ken (or Barbie and Skipper, or Barbie and Barbie) dolls and mashing their genitals together while making kissy noises. Shippers might agree passionately with canon (i.e. what actually happens in the story), reshape unappealing characters to be sexier (aka Draco In Leather Pants), or fixate on pairings that require a little more imagination, asking themselves questions like “Could I set Toy Story in a Deadwood-style Wild West environment, with Buzz as Seth, Woody as Al and more sexual tension between them than both originals combined?” As Mel Campbell explained last week, some folks just see sexual tension everywhere whether it’s real or not, because make-outs are fun.
Game Of Thrones is a shipper’s paradise. There are dozens and dozens of characters, tragic back-stories and romantic grudges aplenty, as well as a wealth of ready-made, kink-friendly situations for those who like their fan fiction on the saucy side: tower rescues, kidnapping, twincest, slavery, doomed kings, gay kings, noble kings, torture, whores, virgins and, of course, forbidden love.
This week’s episode — written by GRRM himself — leaned especially hard on coupled characters. Jon and Ygritte were all sexy together on their hike (and she somehow managed to turn down a proposition from Mackenzie “Bedroom Eyes” Crook), Robb and Talisa continued their sexy sexing and are also pregnant (probably from all the sex), everyone but Shae congratulated Tyrion on getting to put a ring on that sexy child-bride, and Jaime and Brienne said everything they needed to using just their eyes and it was sexy.
But they’re just the obvious ones. There were a lot of hints in the last few episodes that there might be some more unexpected couplings in the coming weeks (or years – let’s not forget just how long a game it is).
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Margaery/Tyrion
“He’s rather good-looking, even with the scar. Especially with the scar.”
Margaery might have been trying to make Sansa feel better, sure. But my preferred interpretation is that she has recognised herself in him; a fellow schemer, who has learned to take advantage of the fact that everyone underestimates him, in order to get some shit done. They would conquer every hold in The Reach before breakfast, snark circles around everyone, and then go to town on one another. Don’t pretend it doesn’t appeal to you. It certainly does to her.
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Margaery/Everyone
“Some women like tall men. Some like short men. Some like hairy men, some like bald men. Gentle men, rough men, ugly men, pretty men, pretty girls – most women don’t know what they like until they’ve tried it.”
In the spin-off series What Wenches Want, Good Queen Margaery Tyrell travels Westeros with a magic bag full of dragonglass dildos and thorny cock rings, spicing up arranged marriages between noble houses with her frank advice, wealth of experience and nubile body.
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Tywin/Olenna
“There’s no squirting the cream back up the udder, so here we are to see things through.”
After Daenerys and her Unsullied storm King’s Landing halfway through season ten, the remaining Tyrells and Lannisters are locked up haphazardly in the Red Keep’s dungeons. The unfuckwithable heads of the two families both refuse to cede the most comfortable cell to the other and end up bunking together. Classic sitcom hijinks ensue: Tywin tears Olenna’s headgear into strips to delineate a border between their halves of the room, they bond when the cold stone makes their arthritis play up and, before you know it, they’re cuddled up, trading affectionate insults and inventing wry, yet graphic, euphemisms for everything. It’d be like Sam and Diane all over again.
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Daenerys/Grey Worm
Who needs genitals when you have a gaze this penetrating?
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Daenerys/herself
Huge badasses often suffer from an overly large helping of self-regard…
Jhiqui bowed and slipped from the tent with the white gown, leaving Dany alone in her bath, next to the chests of gold. They seemed to glow, even in the dim light; she brushed their polished surfaces with her fingertips, and felt soft heat. The one covered in gold leaf reflected her large eyes, still dark with her triumph over Grazdan mo Eraz.
“You are in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn, Queen of the Andals And The First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons,” she murmured to her reflection, which smirked back at her. Dragons did impart a unique flavour to the processes of diplomacy – one she could become accustomed to enjoying.
She leaned back and sank into the water, brought fresh from the sun-warmed oasis beyond the dune. Still gazing at her image in the burnished side of the chest, she gave a small smile.
“Dracarys,” she whispered, and slid one hand beneath the water.
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Caitlin Welsh is a freelance writer. She has written for The BRAG, Mess + Noise, FasterLouder, Cosmopolitan, TheVine, Beat, dB, X-Press, and Moshcam.
You can follow Game Of Thrones with her here.