‘Game of Thrones’ Season 7 Finale Power Ranking: Cover Your Butts, Winter Has Come!!
What a climax!!! And I’m not talking about the ice dragon, eehhhh ohhhh!!!!
I’m extremely sorry, the sight of two such well-toned butts made me feel a bit funny. Not really though, those two are related, gross!! I’m normal just like you!!!
I can’t believe this is the last time I get to feel weird about supporting incest, LET’S DO THE FINAL POWER RANKING!!!
Winners
The Night King (Forever points)
“Weeeeeeeeeeee, I love my icy flight pony.”
Dany (9 points)
Well. Are you telling me that she didn’t have a good week? Are you telling me that she didn’t have a good week?
I wonder if she’d still fuck him if she knew his name was Aegon.
“Hooroo.”
“Hello my most beautiful and just queen, would you possibly like to –“
“Urgh, just get in here.”
“This is the most meaningful moment of my life.”
“I wonder if I should keep doing the little braids, or just do like one big braid on the side.”
“What is happening in there, why are they taking so long, does Jon have an upset tummy, does the Khaleesi have his medicine.”
INCEST!!!!!
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Dany somehow managed to visit King’s Landing and not get murdered this week! She also did some fantastic showing off and invented the ‘arrive late so everyone looks at you’ trick.
“I’m SO SORRY I’m late! I was too busy owning dragons!!”
“…”
“I can’t hear you older queen, I own dragons!!”
Later on at the Colosseum or Pompeii or a winery or wherever they were, Serena Vanderwoodsen finally gave Lonely Boy the attention he so craved. While Jon was looking gloomily at rocks – while writing a short poem, I expect – Dany was all, “Hey I respect that extremely dumb thing you did at the meeting today, should you show me your abs again, or… ?”
Then they passed a fossil between each other several times and Dany yells “I CAN’T HAVE AN HEIR!!!” for maybe the fourteenth time, wow flirting sure has changed since I was a kid.
“Maybe your witch wasn’t a reliable witch,” says Jon, kindly. English people are extremely polite.
Rite to the cunt who robbed my shades backstage at reading I hope you die you cunt I guess it's karma for stealing the show as you were LG x
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) August 28, 2017
Mazel tov you beautiful royals, I really think this is going to go super well, can’t foresee any issues here, see you after winter break!!
Sansa (8 points)
Oh heck, you played us all Sansy!!
“Look what you made me do.”
Our little mid-2000s Lindsay was very convincing in her role as “confused and frightened teenage girl who didn’t want to be murdered”. Littlefinger thought that his gentle urging that Sansa take the crown from Jon’s fluffy head was working, even though she was decidedly like, “I would rather not be murdered by my assassin sissy, thanks though!!”
“Sansaaaar when I am alooowwwne and ‘tis the dead of night and I am in the darrrrrrk, I play a game with myshelf and I arsk myshelfff….”
“Is 7 years too long to wait to tell someone you can’t understand them.”
Then the Stark kids pulled the ultimate prank. “You stand accused of treason… LORD BAELISH!!!!” says Sansa. “WAAAA!?” says Littlefinger. “Oh, tight,” says the audience.
Littlefinger is extremely “WHO ME!” and Sansa is extremely “Did I stutter?” and Arya is extremely, “You caused the big war and killed our papa, scuse you!!!” “But how do you know all this?” says Littlefinger, on his knees. “None of you were there, you can’t see what really happened!!”
“Try again, bitch,” says Bran.
“We know what you did, Bran has the receipts in his brain.”
“Oh no, I didn’t know the weird kid could actually do things.”
“Can everyone stop hurting my feelings!!!!”
RIP Littlefinger, Sansa did not care that you had a crush on her and she certainly did not care for being turned against her surly sister.
“When I am by myself, I like to play a game…”
“Hm she has a good memory, this is deeply inconvenient for me.”
I can’t wait for the Stark girls to show Jon what they did when he was on vacay :)
Tyrion (7 points)
He didn’t convince his sister, but she also didn’t murder him… so?
The day started okay, with Pod telling him missed him and then Bronn telling him he missed him and you know, it looked to be a very enjoyable cast wrap party, where everyone was wearing the same leather dress.
Once everyone has taken turns shooting each other extremely meaningful looks for a good 30 to 40 minutes, Tyrion clears his throat and is all, “So, the end of the world right –“
“THEON, SUBMIT TO ME OR I’LL KILL YOUR SISSY!!!” screams Euron ‘Remember Me’ Greyjoy. Cersei and Jaime are immediately embarrassed by their new friend. 
“THAT’S RIGHT, I’M STILL HERE!!!”
Tyrion’s plan works for one second. Everyone watches a torso flail about of its own accord and says “quite creepy, yeah” while nodding solemnly at each other. Then later in the day he pretty much begs Cersei to kill him… and she doesn’t?
“Not today, mama has a migraine.”
Hm, maybe Tyrion didn’t win. But he didn’t really lose either. It was sort of like finding $50, but then spending it on a Big Mac that gives you diarrhea. It all comes out in the wash.
The Hound (5 points)
I didn’t love the reunion between the Hound and Brienne, who apparently are friends now?
Brienne: “I thought I killed you, maybe.”
Hound: “You didn’t, how is Arya.”
Brienne: “Nothing could kill her.”
Hound: :)
Brienne: :)
Wtf why aren’t they stabbing each other, when did this turn into a sitcom.
“We were on a break!!!!”
Anyway, the Hound did well this week because he got to say to his zombie brother, “Hey you know I’m going to be the one who finally kills you right, oooo I’m gonna slice you up real nice, hey good to see you though” but he also made extremely good faces while carrying the wight chest.
“EEEEEE!!!!!!!”
ARGGHHHHH!!!!!”
Very good.
Theon (4 points)
Theon has discovered the will to live again, mostly because Jon stopped ignoring him.
Known idiot, Jon, goes from admonishing Theon (“HEY, THANKS A LOT FOR BETRAYING MY DAD!!!”) to bestowing upon him Dumbledore-levels of vague encouragement (“He is in me and he is in you.”). Later on, Theon beats a man to death to celebrate his good fortune. This man happens to be Brendan Cowell.
Also, Theon apparently has a kick-proof abdomen. I think kicking someone between the legs still hurts even if you don’t have a penis? What would I know though. I’ve never had one!
Hey does anyone care about Theon, or.
Losers
Bran (4 points)
“Excuse me Sam, I don’t mean to embarrass you, but I actually remember everything now, so maybe you should take your books and go – “
“Ohhh cool! So what do you think about Jon not actually being a bastard, huh?”
[Facts]
Jaime (3 points)
Jaime spent most of this week making faces that either suggested terror or incurable constipation. Neither scenario is preferable! During the Westeros staff meeting, he seemed apoplectic at the sight of the writhing wight.
“How many were there?”
“Probably hundreds of thousands.”
“Oh no, I thought you were going to say five.”
When Brienne is like, “My dude, you need to take the end of the world seriously” his response is only “I CAN’T MY SISSY DOESN’T CARE OKAY??? What can one golden-handed boy do!!!!”
Jaime does eventually stare at the floor map in an attempt to Do The Right Thing.
Jaime: “Okay, so we’re taking this threat seriously and forging peace, this is a good and just plan.”
Cersei: “I think I’ll order elephants instead.”
Jaime: “!!!!!”
So Jaime is now a lone ranger. He is ready for anything – except for any weather condition below 25 degrees, a phenomenon that like your mum on her first trip from Queensland, truly flabbergasts him.
“Ah, out on my own, I don’t need my twin, all I need is –“
“ARGH, WHAT’S THAT!!!!!????”
Jorah (2 points)
Jorah really wants Dany to protect her little silver head instead of going to the chilly north. But Jon is like, “No, we must be seen!” because he wants everyone back home to see how pretty his new girlfriend is. Knowing how pretty she is, Dany agrees that they should travel together by boat and call the paps when they get there.
“Okay, single beds please!!!” says Jorah.
“I’m still in with a chance I think!!!”
Humanity? (0 points)
Hm, that ice dragon that vomits out blue isn’t exactly good news, is it!!
“Oh my god, they’re very slowly coming for us!!!”
“If only we had used this time to invent escalators instead of banter.”
Death Count: yeah heaps.
Littlefinger: RIP, I truly can’t believe your “I thought your mum was hot and I think you’re hot too!!” play didn’t work, dude.
Wall dudes: Should have invented that escalator.
WTF, Who Knows?
Jon (Aegon?) (Idk)
Well! For a guy who has an inability to lie and a great tendency to cook it because of this inability to lie – even if it will save the LITERAL WORLD – I don’t know if this parental reveal will bode to well for you!
“I ONLY SERVE MY SWEETIE, SORRY.”
“why.”
“why.”
“why.”
At least your sweetie smooched you back. Quick question: did it feel like while we were taking joy in this union – us, fleshy sacks of longing and sin – the show was actively trying to shame us for rooting for the pretty aunt and her rambunctious nephew to slam?
But then in this world they aren’t that related bla bla bla we’re all trash fire monsters who deserve to be kicked in the knees and Bran is probably caressing a tree and watching them having sex right now.
(Side note: is Jon bad at sex? It kind of look like he was kneading pizza dough with his entire body.)
Lil Jon got himself a girlfriend for the winter!!!
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Thank you for hanging out with me for 7 weeks! I hope you have enjoyed this season of Game of Thrones as much as I have!
SAME!!!