‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Not All Night Kings
Jon's plan... worked? Kind of?
Why is everyone being their dumbest self? Why is every character on this ludicrous show — this monstrous, fantastic story that makes me cry over CGI dragons and root for incest — deciding to only pursue courses of action that make the least amount of sense?
If only there was a character on Game of Thrones with the perspective to tell someone, ANYONE, “Hey, you’re making a huge and obvious blunder”??
Well there’s not, too bad.
I for one am incredibly shocked that there were any negative consequences to Jon’s absurd plan! I am flabbergasted that a mission that was essentially: ‘1. Walk towards army of undead, 2. Hope you bump into one and that they fall down (side plan: catch one when they’re going to the bathroom) 3. Quick, run away from the other undeads!!!’ failed in any capacity. I am truly gobsmacked!
Good luck with that ice dragon you fucking curly-haired lunatics, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!
Winners
The Night King (10 Points)
“If you want something bad enough, you just have to visualise it and then stab it with a javelin of ice,” – Oprah.
You gotta hand it to him: for a guy who hasn’t had a single line in seven seasons, he sure managed to be the most annoying character on the show! I wonder what his name is, perhaps it’s Julian.
“Tis a fine scale bird.”
“If only I too had this bird of the living.”
“I wonder what would happen if I Ice Magic-ed this…?”
“Oh, interesting.”
“Excuse you!!!”
“I didn’t expect that, extremely happy about it tho, everything’s coming up Julian.”
White Walkers can’t smile, but I can tell that there’s gonna be one hell of a dragon party at Julian’s penthouse tonight!!!
Jon (9 points)
His bad plan… worked? In the sense that he caught a wight, yes, it absolutely worked!
“Everything is going exactly to plan, actually!!!”
“Help me Sansa.”
Although Sad Boy still constantly looks like someone has flushed his Valentine’s Day card down the toilet, he did seem to be having a good time on the road trip with everyone’s ex-boyfriends.
Man, those conversations were extremely British. Making fun of each other for being ginger! Telling each other to stop whinging! Being politely incredulous about new cuss words! It was like The Trip and Harry Potter and what I imagine Guy Ritchie movies to be like.
Though in another way, if you weren’t familiar with these characters, it was just men looking a bit chilly, one man offering another man a sword, then that man saying “no thanks” and giving the sword back, so.
“I cannot accept this sword.”
“Oh, okay.”
What I wouldn’t do for a hot drop, chaps!” “I say!” “Tally ho!”
Even when the odds of survival were not looking great, and Grandpappy Jorah was all, “Ah, perhaps we should come up with a plan that’s not waiting on this rock while thousands of stone cold killers wait to eat us?” Jon was extremely, “THE PLAN IS GOOD, WE BETTER STICK TO THE PLAN!!”
“AH, FALL BACK!” Jon says 2 minutes later, except there was nowhere for anyone to fall back to, except into more stabbing areas. Luckily, these wights are the kind of wights who mostly only approach one at a time. It did seem extremely dangerous, but it was also a scene that involved a lot of light snoozing and cuddling.
Jon died, almost!
“Argh, this is really very bad.”
“Hmm, yes I agree that this is extremely bad.”
“Hey Jon if you die don’t worry, I will comfort Khaleesi with kisses.”
“YAY, MY SWEETIE IS HERE TO RESCUE ME!”
Jon gets knocked down, but he gets up again. Thank goodness he has succeeded in this dumb plan so he can… continue with an even worse plan.
“Ima ruin you, carnt.”
Beric (8 points)
Beric did well this week because he both survived and had a fantastic attitude. Beric gave Jon a stirring speech about honouring god and living with honour and knowing your purpose and being comfortable with not knowing your purpose and I dunno, a bunch of other vaguely inspirational stuff Jon absolutely did not listen to.
“Choose life.”
Beric has a flaming sword that he wields like a magician, can kill zombie polar bears and doesn’t even complain about only having one eye. Why is Jon complaining! Jon has two eyes, which is the best amount of eyes you can ask for.
The Resurrection Boiz!!
The Hound (7 points)
The Hound made a friend! Tormund and The Hound, just two guys talkin’ guy stuff and trying to survive the uprising of the undead which threatens to devour the entire world and wipe out humanity in totality.
“I have a girlfriend, she’s really pretty and super into me, you don’t know her because she doesn’t go here.”
“Wait, do you mean Brienne.”
“Um, I mean!!!”
“No, she’s a different one, she lives in Canberra, she just couldn’t find the time to come to formal because she couldn’t take time off uni, okay!!!”
Losers
Gendry (5 points)
Gendry is immediately the least popular member of the Beardy Boys gang. “Urgh, are you still mad that we sold you to a witch?” says Thoros. “Ah… yes???” says Gendry. “SHUT UP, SHE WAS A SEX WITCH AT LEAST!!!” says The Hound. “I want to fuck you!” says Tormund.
Gendry is having a bad day.
“SomeBODY once told me”
Then when Gendry finally gets to do some fighting, Jon decides they need reinforcements. “GENDRY, YOU’RE THE FASTEST!” he says. “GO GET HELP, GENDRY!”
“… Can I bring my hammer?” Gendry says.
“No,” says everyone.
So Gendry – who it has been somehow established is the ‘fastest’, probably in the same way you decide that that one kid who you always get to go to the tuck shop for you is the fastest – has to run for help. Gendry seems to get puffed extremely quickly.
“I WILL DO IT JON, I WILL DO IT UNTIL MY LEGS TURN TO LEAD AND THE LAST BREATH RATTLES FROM MY –”
“I’m a bit tired now, Ima lie on this ground.”
Tyrion (4 points)
Tyrion doesn’t seem very good at planning or backing up his own arguments. “Dany,” he says. “Do not commit mass murder.”
“But that’s how people have won every war in history,” says Dany, cleaning her nails with a switchblade.
“Oh yeah,” he says. Tyrion is worried that Dany and Cersei will fight when they meet (women!!!!) because Dany tends to crack the shits a lot.
Dany: “WHEN HAVE I EVER CRACKED IT??”
Tyrion: “Ah, the last time was when you burned the Tarlys alive, so yesterday.”
Dany: “!!!!!!”
Tyrion: “… and now, I guess.”
Breaking the wheel, bla bla bla, can I go to bed yet or.
Dany (3 points)
Dany tried to play it cool this week, but it wasn’t convincing. “I wonder if Jon whatshisname will come back!” she says. “Ah, Jon Snow? The guy who has been staying here for like a week?” says Tyrion. “I DON’T KNOW, WHO IS HE, DO YOU WANT TO BE SET ON FIRE??” she says.
Then of course the second that Jon is in trouble, Dany races to his rescue.
“NOTHING IS THE HARDEST THING TO DO.”
“But I already bought this jacket.”
First poor Dany loses one of her dragons kids, and then she thinks she’s lost Jon too.
“You’re cute but it’s also super cold here, seeya.”
Dany claims she doesn’t know Jon, but she does know him in the sense that she keeps trying to impregnate him with her eyes for the literal rest of the episode. Personally I would be very disgruntled if this raven-haired nonsense machine cost me one of my dragons, but as soon as Dany sees Jon’s scarred rig she’s not mad anymore, hm I wonder why, must be because she’s a compassionate person.
“Ah yes, I see.”
“WINTER IS COMING.”
Honestly though, Jon is extremely smooth in this scene. He grabs Dany’s hand and starts apologising immediately, qualities I’ve always found extremely attractive in men. Dany tells him that he doesn’t need to be sorry. Jon calls her “Dany”. Dany is like, “don’t do that” but also starts crying when he says that he’ll bend the knee. She also doesn’t pull away her hand when Jon starts squeezing it. “Hello hello,” thinks Jon.
“Oh my god, SHE’S HOLDING MY HAND.”
“Can she tell I’m bending all of my knees.”
Porn!!!
Although Dany is initially with it, she does get a bit spooked. “YOU BETTER REST, SEEYA!” she says. Jon squeezes his eyes shut, they way you used to do when you were a kid and you were pretending to be asleep in the car because you couldn’t be bothered moving.
“If I don’t move, maybe she’ll carry me into the house.”
I’ve never wanted an aunt and nephew to make out more.
Sansa (2 points)
This week a bunch of men who should by all accounts want to kill each other, came together for the greater good, something that Sansa and Arya seem incapable of doing (women!!!).
Arya “YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN REMEMBER FATHER, YOU WERE TOO BUSY KNITTING” Stark is a freaking lunatic who is steadfast that Sansa should have murder-suicided all of King’s Landing as a 13-year-old, because Lyanna Mormont is brave or something? If you think it’s different to the time that Arya HAD A JOB AS TYWIN’S PERSONAL ASSISTANT well it is, case closed.
Sansa is a bit worried but is mostly like, “Whatever, you were on a gap year and missed literally everything that went down here”. Then it gets very… murder-y. “Want to play a game?” Arya says. “Absolutely not,” says Sansa, starring at her sister’s collection of dead faces.
“I could wear your face and pretend to be you.”
“…”
“I could cut your face off and live your life, okay see you at dinner.”
This is good, it’s all looking good. Sending Brienne away at this time? Seems like a good move.
“Hm, me thinks me sissy might murder me, what would my mum do in this situation, better send my bodyguard to King’s Landing I guess!!!”
Arya (1 point)
You’re being extremely unreasonable and theatrical!!
Listens to Melodrama once.
Death Count: quite a few, yeah.
No name brand name soldiers: RIP.
Thoros: I really just didn’t think ‘mauled by a polar bear/succumbing to hyperthermia’ would be your destiny, my dude.
Viserion the dragon: See you soon, I spose!
Uncle Benjen: You died as you lived – mostly off screen.
WTF, Who Knows?
Ice dragon
I mean yeah, that really changes things. I mean, it does… yeah? How do ice dragons actually work? Does ice replace the fire function on this model? Or does it straight eat people?
Something to look forward to, I guess!
—
Game of Thrones is streaming on Foxtel Now and airing on Showcase at 11am and 8.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.
—
Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.