‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Ranking: “I Don’t Know Her”
LET'S DO THE POWER RANKING.
You know what I love? I love to watch television and film that revolves around one family member letting another family member down. I can’t get enough! When Bart told those cool beach kids that Lisa had no friends? Fantastic. When Amy March throws Jo March’s manuscript into the fire? Sublime!
Truly, I love it. I love to watch it for recreation.
I love it.
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!
Winners
Grey Worm and Missandei (10 points)
Writers Room, Game of Thrones HQ, Hollywood, probably.
“The show isn’t sexy enough this year. It’s just like, a lot of rain? It needs to be sexier.” – Writer #1
“Mmm, absolutely. We should get the two most attractive characters to have sex with each other.” – Writer #2
“But before they have affirming and consensual sex, one of them should tell a story about throwing 10 year olds off cliffs. It can’t be too sweet you know. It’s not The Notebook!”
“Haha, it is not The Notebook, you’re right about that, haha.”
“Have you seen The Notebook?”
“Haha.”
Porn
Dany (9 points)
Dany is learning about being a Queen! Despite losing a bunch of ships and allies this week, she’s still doing quite well on the scoreboard. Except, you know… Dragonstone is quite boring?
Dany is used to living in warm places where ex-slaves line the streets crying with love for her, weaving her comely garments to wear. Now she’s at the soggiest place on Earth, surrounded by people with lines on their faces who want to talk about ‘strategy’ and ‘not massacring people’.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Dany is so dissatisfied with her new room that she tries to pick fights with every one of her housemates. “YOU BETRAYED MY FATHER,” she says to Varys. “Ah, yeah,” says Varys. “THEN YOU SERVED THE GUY AFTER HIM, THEN YOU TRIED TO KILL ME ACTUALLY, ALMOST, ANYWAY,” she says.
“… So?” says Varys.
“Just reminding you,” says Dany.
They haven’t invented board games here yet.
“Hm, she gets bratty when she’s chilly.”
“On Wednesdays we wear pink.”
They’re not alone in the Big Brother house, however. Melisandre is very casually hanging out in the throne room! Varys is suspicious, on account of Stannis being extremely dead, but Dany is like, ‘can you not embarrass me in front of my new friend!!’
Anyway, Mel tells Dany that she should really meet Jon Snow. I mean, really.
“Trust me, you’re going to want to look at his face.”
“That seems right, for diplomacy.”
Sam (8 points)
Sam is really enjoying his education. He’s really enjoying shaking the foundations of truth, challenging tradition and shattering outdated illusions.
“I think you can cure greyscale, if you tried?” – Sam
“You can’t.” – Jim Broadbent.
Well, case closed. But case not REALLY closed, because during Sam’s independent study he decides he’s going to try to cure Jorah anyway! The scene that followed ruined every Pimple Popper video I’ve ever seen on YouTube– I mean, when you sickos tag each other on Facebook.
Jon (7 points)
Jon! Oh, Jon. Jon ‘Unpopular Decisions’ Snow is keeping his personal brand strong by leaving Winterfell, like his dead brother did, his dead ‘father’ did and his dead grandfather did. Can’t see much going wrong here, tbh!!
Tyrion sent Jon a letter asking him to come bend his knees to Dany and the Stark Kids are very conflicted about it.
“Suss,” says Sansa.
“Suss,” says John.
“… Dragons could be handy??” says Davos, presumably before chewing off his good hand.
But then, when he’s busy looking sadly at a map, Jon is sent ANOTHER letter! He quickly gathers everyone, waving the two letters he has received this week in the air, his little white arm quivering with excitement. He’s going to go see the Queen!
Jon reckons he better go meet this famously smoking hot woman, so seeya. But Sansa is understandably all, ‘ah don’t go!?’
“BTW, you’re in charge no –”
“Have a nice trip,” says Sansa.
“Man, that kid is really going to miss me.”
“Someone call Whitney and tell her to bring the keg now.”
Jaime (6 points)
Now that he’s finished looking politely horrified at the antics of his sister-girlfriend, Jaime is joining her in gathering all the old, toilet brush-head men in the kingdom to turn them against Dany (“She burns people alive! She poisoned the water hole! She wrote the finale of Lost!”).
We know that Jaime is feeling more like himself because he’s doing his second favourite activity: subtly undermining other attractive men of the kingdom. Poor Dickon. As if that guy doesn’t have it tough enough.
“Hey Cockrin, whatever your name is, piss off me and your papa need to talk.”
You’ll be right, Jamie. Your sister has an unbeatable weapon in the dungeons or whatever — a crossbow that can pierce an inanimate dead dragon skull! These siblings will be juuuust fine.
Euron (7 points)
I remember Dawson’s Creek being super different.
Losers
Littlefinger (4 points)
Jesus, this guy. Jon Snow is trying to spend some quiet time with his dead dad and Littlefinger slides up beside him like, “Jahn, I delivered his bonnesssssss”. Read the room, guy.
“Jon, I loved your dad.”
“…”
“Jon, your mum hated you, hey.”
“…”
“AT LEAST SAY THANK YOU FOR MY ARMY??”
“Having a really nice time with you right now in this chilly grave, Jon.”
Then when Littlefinger fails to seduce Jon — I assume that’s what he was trying to do, he’s trying to have sex with him, right? — he decides to confide in Jon. “Hey look, I wanted to do your mum and I’m thinking of trying to do your sister, have a safe trip though.”
He is genuinely flabbergasted that Jon is upset by this.
“OH NO NOT MY NECK, I NEED THAT TO WHISPER.”
But now Littlefinger is alone at Winterfell with Sansa, and is free to give her creepy longing looks from ground level. So… maybe he’s a winner? Idk, it means nothing to be king, everyone dies, what’s this show even about.
Jorah (2 points)
Ow. Not even a goon bladder of Malibu rum can take away those hurts.
Yara (2 points)
Oh, Yara. The day started out so nicely. You were at a fun war meeting with everyone nodding at each other and pretending to understand what Tyrion was saying. Nodding is fun! Then you were smashing pints, while Ellaria was performing, ah, a “foreign invasion”. Get it, Yara!
Then in a single Pirates of the Caribbean montage, all your ships were gone, your brother was unfortunately the one character on the show they decided should have lasting PTSD, and if you’re not dead now, you’re probably going to be once Cersei gets you. All in all, probably not the best minibreak you’ve ever had.
Theon (1 point)
Death Count: Quite A Lot
Sand Snakes: Two of you died :/ Maybe three :/ I’m sorry I picked one of you in the death pool at work :/
Men on ships: Sorry about your tongues and ears, my dudes.
WTF WHO KNOWS?
Arya
Daddy’s Little Murderer may be exceptionally good at killing now, but she is very bad at small talk. When did you last see Hot Pie? Did you ask him at all about his news? Dude is basically the TMZ of Westeros now and you don’t even say thanks? The girl has many faces and NOT MANY MANNERS, haha cracker call.
“‘Arry, are you hungry? I have some more pies if you’re hungry!!”
“Vengeance is what I crave.”
“Sounds weird ‘Arry, do they have that flavour in Braavos??”
Arya’s trip to Winterfell was probably just a pipe dream, especially now that she’s been rejected by her damn direwolf. Never have I seen such dismissive dog eyes in all my life.
“Nymeria, would you like to come live with humans again, the humans that allowed the deaths of almost all of your kin?”
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Game of Thrones is streaming on Foxtel Now and airing on Showcase at 11am and 8.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.