‘Game of Thrones’ Power Ranking: We’re Going to Die, Prove That You’re My Boyfriend
This week sort of felt like a bottle episode of Friends, like ‘The One Where No One’s Ready’ except it was ‘The One Before Everyone Dies Horribly’.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones Power Rankings, where everyone in Game of Thrones is RANKED.
Do you remember where you were when Jon found out who his real parents were? Were you at home, surrounded by your loved ones and the hired help? Were you on the moon? Were you at your desk job, furtively watching a tiny livestream on your monitor, frowning and moving your eyes slightly as you watched so it looked like you were just reading a very difficult email?
Who cares what you were doing, I certainly don’t!
Because now Dany knows, and she found out in a chilly city that she HATES, which is full of ugly people with dirty faces and mounds of brown snow and she can’t find her light anywhere, literally, where is the light in this city.
I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
This week sort of felt like a bottle episode of Friends, like ‘The One Where No One’s Ready’ except it was ‘The One Before Everyone Dies Horribly’ — which would actually make a really good Friends episode. (Joey would do it.)
(He has psychotic break and mistakes his five friends for deep dish pizzas and eats them all.)
(Afterwards his feels great remorse and walks into a brick wall.)
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
Winners
Brienne (9 points)
She’s a knight, bitch!
Tfw when you get exactly what you’ve always wanted and feel certain you’ll survive the next episode :)
Brienne was very suspicious of the men around her showing her base-level kindness and respect, and look who can blame her — once I dropped my wallet and a man was like, “you’ve dropped your wallet” and I really did just keep walking and didn’t turn back for a while, because look whomst is to know.
Jaime sucks up to Brienne and explains that he isn’t a good fighter anymore, but he would be honoured to fight under Brienne’s command. Suddenly everyone has something in their eye.
“I have ash in my eye.”
“I also have ash in my eye, and maybe wind.”
“There is so much ash and also wind around here, let’s just stand here in silence and close our eyes.”
She is so lucky to have a remorseful, mediocre swordsman with nowhere else to go on her team, it’s more than any woman can dream :)
Anyway, later on everyone is trying to distract themselves from their own mortality by drinking copiously.
Everyone: “This is the time when we must make peace with our own dea-”
Tormund: “I killed a giant when I was ten and then suckled at his wife’s teat.”
It was like a sitcom where everyone is going to die.
“How YOU doin?”
“I may just kill myself now.”
Brienne says, “At least we will die with honour” and Tyrion says “Maybe we won’t die” and everyone laughs like it’s the fucking funniest joke in the history of the seven kingdoms.
“HAHAHA, there is no possible way we will live, good one Tyrion!!!”
“Hm maybe we actually should have prepared a bit more instead of staying up all night and getting drunk, should we have done the beep test, does anyone know First Aid, oh well.”
Tormund asks why Brienne isn’t allowed to be a knight.
The men begin to explain systemic inequality. They remember the world is about to end. “Let’s make Brienne a knight!” they hoot to each other, standing on their chairs and whipping invisibile lassos above their heads.
Diversity quotas aren’t dead, they just went to bed!
“We did a great job”.
“Of recognising her promise.”
Jaime (8 points)
Jaime wasn’t murdered this week — good for him!
When he gets to Winterfell, Dany goes to great pains to remind that he killed her dad, as if everyone doesn’t bump into at least half a dozen people who conspired against their dead dad every single week in Westeros.
Wow, get over it Dany!
Unfortunately for Dany, public opinion may be on Jaime’s side, as he has recently grown quite a good beard.
“Cancel me daddy.”
Jaime is like, “I know, it’s a super bummer, I will fight for you anyway, you’re so welcome”.
Tyrion clears his throat and is like, “If anyone wants my opinion, I for one think Jaime is grea–”
“Fuck off,” says everyone.
“We hate you.”
“We really hate you.”
“Maybe if I don’t move no-one will ask my opinion.”
Jaime has done a lot of rotten things. I’m sure he’s completely sorry though, oh wait —
Jaime: “I WON’T APOLOGISE!!!! IT’S WAR WE ALL DO CRAZY THINGS, I’M ACTUALLY FINE!! CAN EVERYONE STOP BEING NASTY TO ME!!”
Bran: “The things we do for love.”
“Oh no I was hoping he had forgotten about that.”
“I think you’ll find I remember everything now.”
“Wow, what an inconvenient power for moi.”
Brienne then stands up and says, “Sansa, I get it but he did stop a bunch of men sexually assaulting me once and also gave me a sword, so let’s let bygones be bygones”.
Sansa agrees to let bygones be bygones.
Later on, Bran is staring at a tree.
“Ah, this is an extremely mystical tree, its colouring proves that it is mystical.”
“Bran isn’t that just what autumn does?”
“… No.”
Jaime nonchalantly brings up the fact that he tried to murder Bran once.
I mean, WHO AMONG US! etc. He is mainly trying to see if Bran will bring this up at an awkward moment, like when Jaime is in the middle of a job interview or trying to make it with a long lost sister.
“Okay, I am on my way to do this.”
“Anything happening over there, nope, okay I’ll just keep doing this.”
“Almost there now.”
“Just say ‘Sorry Bran!’ then stare at the tree with him for a minute, he will forgive you.”
“Sorry Bran.”
“You’re not sorry.”
“Fml, you little bitch, this is the kind of attitude that gets you thrown out a window.”
Bran — who can see everything now, even his own grievances — explains that he won’t dob on Jaime.
“There actually may not be a future after this battle, hey have a good day though.”
“Ah yes, yes. Very wise.”
“Actually I don’t know what that means, Bran.”
Arya (7 points)
I mean, you just never know how your day will pan out.
In the morning you could be admonishing a less educated person for being incapable of thinking up a worse adjective than “bad” and then in the evening, you could be losing your virginity to that person. It could happen to any of us!
(What’s that sound? Oh, it’s just the frantic tap of a zillion iPhone screens as people around the world google ‘what age arya’ ‘what age maisie williams’ ‘why does an active young female sexuality make me feel weird’ ‘maisie williams height’.)
“If we do this, you’re not allowed to talk.”
Gendry, who I’m still convinced is only a blacksmith in the pornographic sense, has trouble keeping up with Arya. He seems to embarrass himself at every turn.
Arya: “What did the Red Woman want?”
Gendry: “Blood… from my penis.”
“Arya, I have slept with numerous exotic women.”
“How many”
“As I say, numerous.”
“Was it three”
“Yes.”
“Do you also need blood from my penis.”
No-one needed blood from Gendry’s penis, but Arya did need to have sex before the summer was over ( the world ended).
Congratulations to these two British youngins, losing their virginity in the traditional English way: in a dark, damp, depressing dungeon presumably while ‘Live for Forever’ played in the background. I hope Bran wasn’t watching.
“Sure sex is great, but have you ever tried wearing someone else’s face and slitting the throat of an old man.”
“I am of course kidding, sex was not great.”
Pod (5 points)
Well done Pod, for keeping everyone at Cheers entertained with your beautiful song. Is there anything you can’t do!
“He’s just so talented.”
“Wooohooooo.”
Sam (4 points)
Sam spent the day making fun of his friend Edd for being a virgin and giving away swords that were too heavy, he also didn’t bother saying anything reassuring to anyone, it was absolute scenes.
Jorah: “Thank you for this good sword.”
Sam: “I hope we win.”
“No shit, I hope we fucking win too, you absolute loose unit, I DO hope humanity wins, yeah.”
“I aM a MaEstEr, c-Ya aFteR tHa BatTlE!”
Beric (4 points)
Beric has more enthusiasm about dying again than most people have about their weddings.
“Is he on your kill list?” The Hound says to Arya, as Beric interrupts their private talk. “That’s okay if I am — I don’t mind!” says Beric cheerfully, a man who simply loves being threatened with murder.
The Hound suggests throwing Beric off a bridge. Beric is ecstatic.
“Hey Jon, I might be busy at the time that the White Walkers get here…”
“… busy having the TIME OF MY LIFE!”
“I love to die.”
Losers
Davos (4 points)
Ser Davos ‘Soup Nazi’ Seaworth is giving people bowls of soup and harsh realities about war!
“We are not soldiers,” says a Northern man who is hungry for soup. “Sorry, you are now,” says Davos, who has a heaps of soup and not much patience for people NOT being soldiers.
“Well I think, young man, that war can best be described as a game of balance, a delicious dance that tests the common man, let me tell you more about war –”
“No, I said ‘what is in the soup?’”
Also, why is Davos in charge of ‘soup’.
Messi and Grey Worm (2 points)
Messi tries to talk to two of the dirtiest children you’ve ever seen in your life and they run away because she is a person of colour and clean.
Grey Worm comforts her about how racist Winterfell is by saying, “Fuck this place — let’s go to the beach!”
They both smile at the idea of seeing each other in bathing suits.
“we’re both going to die :)”
Dany (1 point)
This week, Dany didn’t get to set Jaime on fire and had to endure her boyfriend publicly disagreeing with her. She also once again failed to win over Sansa, a classic blunder that began with “why isn’t your brother texting me back” and ended with “sorry, you can’t have sovereignty” (I think that’s what Braveheart is about).
“It’s so hard to be a woman in a man’s world, amirite, let’s hold hands!!!”
“Absolutely, after we defeat the dead the North is an independent kingdom, cheers.”
“YUCK, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PINKO!!!!”
Death Count
tbc , bitch.
WTF, Who Knows
Jon
This week was a real mixed bag for Jon. He spent a considerable portion of it just trying to avoid eye contact with his girlfriend.
The trick to breaking up with an aunty
Is just to never ever look at them ever again
You’ve just got to keep doing it
Then he hears that there is unfortunately a very small amount of prep time left for the war against the dead things.
“When will they be here,” says Jon. “Literally tomorrow,” says Tormund.
“I don’t know about that Tormund, thanks anyway, but there are very few things that happen around here that I don’t know about!!!”
“I’m pretty on top of it, Tormund.”
Jon decides to hold a press conference to announce that they are all fucked and they are going to die in various gruesome ways and there is nothing they can do about it, sorry.
“You see everyone, the Night King is very and scary and wildly murderous.”
“Yes, we know.”
“You’re welcome everybody, especially you Sansa.”
Everyone is all, “Oh if only we could get the Night King on his own, oh well” and Bran yells, “HE ALWAYS GOES FOR THE THREE-EYED RAVEN” because the Night King wants to erase the world’s memories?
Everyone pretends they knew that. The plan is: just fight the dead things and the Night King, I guess.
“Bran, I would love to understand your powers more, would you explain them to me.”
“Okay Tyrion, it is a long story and I will not be using any inflection, my pauses do not indicate commas or full stops, let us begin.”
Sam is like, “Jon have you told Dany that you are related to her or,” to which Jon is extremely, “No! I have not had time! Get off my back? Can you just! No!” and then goes to wallow in the crypts, where he immediately does tell Dany that he is related to her.
Dany: “Isn’t it so weird that my brother liked to sing, but was still somehow a rapi–”
Jon: “He loved Lyanna and they married and had a baby, also that baby is me.”
“So weird that someone who was related to me could be so bad!!!”
[FACTS]
“Can we just go back to you not talking to me.”
Dany is extremely, “Your brother and your best friend say that you are the true Targaryen heir, suss no?” and Jon is like, “no that sounds fine to me”.
The giant horn, signalling awkward moments, blows into the night, just kidding it’s the “there are dead people at the gate” horn.
Good luck, bbs!!!!
“I gotta feelin’.”
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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Vulture, The AV Club, Pitchfork, Vice, frankie and Elle. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.