‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Ranking: The One With Ed Sheeran And Heaps Of Shit
LET'S DO THE POWER RANKING.
Okay, so winter is 100 percent here! Like, actually! Haha, yes!
What a time, let’s get cosy!!
Oh wait, everyone’s going to die.
WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAAAAND.
That’s right, everyone’s favourite program about killing, fucking and worryingly loose stools is back, and I for one am so grateful to once again be watching a show that makes me extremely anxious/occasionally dry-retch. Thank you golden age of television, thank you Tony Soprano!!!
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!
Winners
Arya (9 points)
I mean, they just grow up so fast. One day they’re just kids, helping remove faces from corpses, and the next they’re wiping out an entire dynasty with Kool-Aid. I wonder if Arya’s even had her first period yet, is that weird to think about, I’m sorry I’m just really proud of her.
Not a girl, not yet a woman.
Arya decided that killing Walder Frey and sons of Walder Frey wasn’t nearly enough Frey-killing and you know what, she did have a little time before spring break was over anyhow.
“I’ve gathered you here today to drink some wine that is certainly not poisoned, and to reminisce together about the women we have recently slaughtered,” says Walder-Arya to the dumbass Frey family, who wear identical condom hats.
“Yes that was an extremely good time, thank you for this delicious pinot,” say the condom boys.
“IT’S ACTUALLY POISON!!!” says Walder-Arya.
“Oh no,” the condom boys say, but not really, because they’re already vomiting blood and are in fact, dead.
“This wine is giving me a little tickle in my throat, I might drink some more wine.”
“Yes, drink the wine, it’s not weird that I’m recapping an event that happened several seasons ago, anyone for some brie.”
“Oh no I seem to be vomiting my innards out.”
Arya doesn’t kill the women in the room because of feminism, haha just kidding, she needs people to tell everyone that the North remembers, wolves kill sheep, etc.
“Tell them that the north remembers,” Arya says.
“Okay,” says frightened Frey wife.
“That I did this.”
“Sure.”
“That my brows look FANTASTIC this season, puberty has been kind.”
“You got it.”
“Run that back, I don’t want you fucking up mama’s stories.”
Cersei (8 points)
(Queen) Cersei is alive! Not just in the sense that her innards are still on the inside of her body – seemingly an impressive feat in the episode – but in that she is living. She’s sending letters to Jon asking him to bend his lil pale knees to her, she has her brother-boyfriend home, she has a crown, she’s hired a guy to do an upside down Sistine Chapel in her lounge room.
She’s living.
Cersei thinks Jaime has been weird since Cersei massacred all those people, urgh he’s so unreasonable!! He keeps killing her buzz with killjoy nonsense like ‘you’re queen of three kingdoms, not seven kingdoms’ and ‘we don’t have any friends anymore’ and ‘our last living child killed himself because of you’. URGH, shut Jaime you dumb gold-hand, sexy, truth monster!!!!
Cersei needs to prove herself, fast. I actually think there is not one mood of Cersei that can’t be explained by a mid-2000s P!nk song.
Yeah, big time.
Huge!
Huh yeah, the theory works. She does call Lady Olenna a c*nt and Sansa a whore in one breath, safe to say she doesn’t believe in Shine Theory.
Jon (7 points)
The king in the North! Of the North? North King. Nortking. Norting. Nort.
Anyway, he’s doing a really fantastic job so far, really top notch.
“Hey… does anyone have any dragonglass, or.”
“We’re fucked.”
“We’re fucked.”
“We’re fucked.”
“Jon Snow.”
“Bit peckish, hope there’s tea and crumpets about.”
Jon has told Tormund ‘I Am The Captain Now’ Giantsbane and his Wildling mates to help protect the Wall and has decided not to punish the houses that betrayed the Starks. Everyone still likes him though so he’s still quite powerful tbh. He wants everyone diggin’ for dragonglass, every woman, child and boy of summer in the North.
GET DIGGING.
Those two kids that Jon didn’t kill (6 points)
PLEASE, WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDR – oh they did this time, okay.
“Thank you Mr. Snow.”
Dany (5 points)
Heeeeeeey, look who has landed in Westeros and has a hot Winter look!!!!
Winter is Coming 17/18
“What a lovely grey castle, I’m so happy to be away from sunny Mereen, did look a bit different on Airbnb tho.”
Dany is probably regretting her decision to conquer such a chilly place, but she seems relatively pleased with her dusty old castle. It’s a castle, alright! Yep, it sure is. Inside the castle, Dany strokes the sex table, obviously not aware that an old dude ejaculated smoke on it once. Good on her.
She’s got dragons, but she doesn’t even have electricity.
Euron (5 points)
I know he’s evil and deranged or whatever, but if Pacey Witter came to my house and asked for my hand I would probably say yes. I wouldn’t even care that he was wearing Yeezy season three, because I would already be kissing him.
Euron’s new plan to marry Cersei is such a good plan, I don’t even care that we’re not meant to be rooting for him. When she says no, he’s like “okay I’m going to go get you a present then”. This is an extremely correct reaction. Euron is the most eligible bachelor in Westeros. He may have been in The Strokes, I’m not sure anymore. Did Euron invent rock music.
A thousand ships and two good hands, ladies!!!!!!!
Bran (4 points)
Bran made it to the Wall! He’s approximately 40 years old now! The Night’s Watch are so glad to see him, well done everyone.
“Who are you.”
Losers
Sansa (3 points)
I mean, we saw this coming. Did you think this fiery wolf would want to take orders from her Morrissey emo fuck brother for long? First Jon tells her to stfu when she disagrees with him in public, then he has the gall to be like, “Sweetie, can you not challenge me in public, cheers” and THEN she gets mocked for suggesting that she knows a little about political strategy.
Sansa: “You have to be smarter than father and Robb, they are dead and we are not dead.”
Jon Snow: “CAN YOU STOP TRYING TO UNDERMINE ME???”
Sansa: :/
No wonder she admires Cersei. If a man told Cersei “I just want to protect you, please be quiet” she’d probably laugh her head off, but it would be a muffled laugh because she’d be chewing on his throat, having just ripped it out with her bare teeth. He wouldn’t hear it. He’d be dead.
Jorah (2 points)
Tfw a terrible disease is eating your body and you’re still all, “hey has that girl I like texted me yet, or”.
“Can you check my voicemail again just in case.”
Jaime (2 points)
If your sister-girlfriend starts flirting with someone who even by their own admission, comes from a land of rocks and unattractive people, you would probably have extremely hurt feelings too.
Us (1 point)
What do you think was worse, the montage of sloppy diarrhea or when Ed Sheeran sang that song, just kidding we all know the answer.
(Ed Sheeran lyric.)
Do you know that I listened to Ed Sheeran the whole time I wrote this power ranking just so I could make an Ed Sheeran joke, and now I realise that the joke was in fact on me.
Everyone in Westeros (-575939292)
Wight giants, yeah okay, everything seems fine.
Death Count: Heaps
All the Freys: Seeya!
WTF WHO KNOWS?
Sam
College suxxxxxxxx!!!! Sam thought he would be doing much more learning about White Walkers and much less cleaning up of human waste from the bowels of learned men. Poor Sam. I did an Arts degree, and it sometimes felt like cleaning up the shit of old men too :)
He’s not even had time to get an unflattering college haircut yet!!
“Please Archmaester, can I please get into the restricted section of the library to learn about the White Walkers so I can help my best friend Frodo, I mean Harry, I mean Jon,” says Sam.
“The wall is solid, when you’re done scrubbing the feces of academics please clean up these human guts I have been playing with, this is what having knowledge feels like,” says Archmaester.
But then Sam did it anyway!!! And found out that there’s a lot of dragonglass under Dragonstone, what a riddle, how good are books!!!
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Game of Thrones is streaming on Foxtel Now and airing on Showcase at 11am and 8.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.