It’s time to put away that Brienne/Tormund fanfic you’re working on, because the real thing is almost upon us. In less than two weeks HBO is taking us back to Westeros, a world of adventure and excitement in which every single character you care about seems fated to die in brutal, brutal fashion. What a great show.

Season seven shapes up as the most epic year of Game of Thrones yet. I realise that’s a horribly cliched thing to say, but watch the latest trailer and tell me I’m wrong. The man literally lights a sword on fire with the power of his mind. ‘Nuff said.

Ahead of the season premiere on July 16, HBO have just revealed the titles of the first three episodes, along with an extremely brief description of what each one is about. As always, they’re incredibly vague, but if you thought that’d stop me from indulging in some truly nonsensical speculation then you have grossly underestimated how much free time I have on my hands.

Put on your scuba gear folks, because we are going deep.

Episode One: ‘Dragonstone’

“Jon organizes the defense of the North. Cersei tries to even the odds. Daenerys comes home.”

Given the negative feedback he received from his underlings at Castle Black, I was a little surprised to see Jon take the mantle of King in the North. Power doesn’t seem to really agree with members of the Stark clan, although I guess with Jon being half Targaryen all bets are off. In any case, if he really wants to keep the North safe, he needs to polish off Littlefinger as soon as humanly possible.

It’s not entirely clear which odds Cersei needs to even, given she barbecued most of her enemies in King’s Landing at the end of last season. Then again, if anyone on this show has proven adept at creating problems for herself, it’s the Queen regent.

As for Daenerys, it sounds as though she’ll be making ground at Dragonstone, that creepy island where Stannis used to hang out and mope all day, stopping only to occasionally have sex with Melisandre on that cool looking Westeros-shaped table. If I could own one prop from Game of Thrones, it would definitely be that table, although I’d probably ask them to wipe it down first.

Episode Two: ‘Stormborn’

“Daenerys receives an unexpected visitor. Jon faces a revolt. Tyrion plans the conquest of Westeros.”

An unexpected visitor could be just about anyone. It could be Ser Davos or Melisandre or old mate Jorah, who you just know is gonna be back creeping on Daenerys before too long. Still, my money is on a fan favourite who was last seen in the vicinity of Dragonstone and has presumably been rowing around in circles ever since.

Meanwhile, Jon clearly didn’t deal with Littlefinger, because as established he is a terrible, terrible leader. Hundred to one Baelish is behind this revolt. The real question is which side Sansa ends up on.

I’m also working under the assumption that Tyrion’s plan to conquer Westeros will mostly involve sitting back and just letting Cersei and Jon fuck things up from the inside. There is no way this country wouldn’t be infinitely better off under Hot Pie.

Episode Three: ‘The Queen’s Justice’

“Daenerys holds court. Cersei returns a gift. Jaime learns from his mistakes.”

But which Queen? Most people will think the title of this episode refers to Daenerys, or possibly Cersei. Personally I hope it’s Olenna Tyrell, aka The Queen of Thorns, aka the number two reason I am still watching this show.

Number one, by the way, is Lyanna Mormont.

On the whole, this episode sounds pretty uneventful, although “holds court” and “returns a gift” could both definitely be metaphors for something that’s actually extremely violent, so let’s not switch over to American Gods just yet.

Also no offence to Jaime, but I think it’s safe to say that the learning from your mistakes ship has well and truly sailed.

Game of Thrones season seven returns on July 16.