From All Angles: The Lone Ranger

The Pirates Of The Caribbean films made a bazillion dollars for Disney, and most of that was thanks to Johnny Depp and his swaggering, swishy Captain Jack Sparrow. The Lone Ranger reunites Depp with his Pirates director Gore Verbinski, and Disney are hoping and praying that some of the old magic will rub off. The film stars handsome Armie Hammer as the title character, with Depp as his inscrutable sidekick Tonto. Can we look forward to two more films, followed by a Lego Lone Ranger video game with a teeny tiny Johnny Depp wearing a teeny tiny dead bird on his head? The folks at Disney certainly hope so.

With the film opening nationally today we thought we’d have a quick look at what the critics are saying with our regular feature, From All Angles.

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The author: Mick LaSalle

The source: The San Francisco Chronicle

Crux of article: Mick LaSalle seems pretty convinced that The Lone Ranger is one of the worst films ever made, and he will fight you if you think different. He describes the storyline as ‘convoluted’ and the characters as ‘charmless’, singling out Armie Hammer’s Lone Ranger as a ‘contemptible idiot’. Actually, his main beef is with the violence in what is ostensibly a Disney film made for an audience of kids. He singles out a scene in which William Fichtner’s bad guy cuts out and then eats a dude’s heart… which does actually sound pretty gross, all things considered.

$2-per-word sentence: “The Lone Ranger is a movie for the whole family… to avoid.”

Johnny Depp reaction:

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The author: R. Kurt Osenlund

The source: Slant Magazine

Crux of article: Just how Native American is Johnny Depp? Does he have sufficient Native American credentials to play a Native American character? Osenlund says no. He takes The Lone Ranger to task for “the cash-conscious vulgarity of casting a white superstar” as Tonto, and takes a swipe at Depp himself for his “supposed smidgen of Native American blood”. Ouch. Aside from that, the film is long, indulgent and full of white guys, and Depp’s rehashing of his Jack Sparrow tics and mannerisms is “lame”. Also ouch. Tell us what you really think, R. Kurt.

$2-per-word sentence: “More than anything, The Lone Ranger is a work of tremendous hypocrisy, as it villainizes industry, big business, and the pursuit of wealth, when the evidence, from casting on down, shows that all three things seem to comprise the film’s reason for being.”

Johnny Depp reaction:

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The author: Lou Lumenick

The source: NY Post

Crux of article: Lumenick is pretty happy to sit back and let the film review itself. He mentions a scene in which Armie Hammer’s character is dragged through manure, and another, where he literally tries to beat a dead horse — both of these, apparently, serve as analogies for the movie itself. The movie also features an elaborately-staged train wreck, so you get one guess as to where Lumenick goes with that one. Wordplay aside, Lumenick is pretty withering about the film, singling out its “committee-written script” and “convoluted plot.”

$2-per-word sentence: “The Lone Ranger pours on untold Disney millions in special effects and stunt work in what blurs into one long visual non sequitur that tries to bludgeon you into submission.”

Johnny Depp reaction:

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The author: Ignatiy Vishnevetsky 

The source: The AV Club

Crux of article: The AV Club’s take on The Lone Ranger is one of the more positive, although that’s not exactly saying much. The film may be a silly and overstuffed adventure romp, but it’s ironic and self-aware, so that makes it okay. Vishnevetsky’s review praises Gore Verbinski’s detailed compositions and the inventiveness of the visuals, including a gun hidden in a whale-bone prosthetic leg. His favourite part of the film seemed to be spotting the references to other films — his review finds parallels with everything from Sergio Leone’s Once Upon A Time In The West to Buster Keaton’s The General to Jim Jarmusch’s dark western-comedy Dead Man, which also starred Johnny Depp.

$2-per-word sentence: “It’s a clever bit of revisionism, but it doesn’t entirely work, because, in trying to paint Tonto as a demented do-gooder, The Lone Ranger ends up falling back on the same Western iconography that it’s supposed to be subverting.”

Johnny Depp reaction:

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The Lone Ranger opens in cinemas nationally today.