“Put A Chain Around Me”: Frankie Muniz Wants To Be Lizzo’s Purse, Apparently

The internet is a funny place. On the one hand, it is a vessel for the greatest minds in human history to share their thoughts and shape the future of human potential. It is also a vessel for one-time child star Frankie Muniz to ask ‘Truth Hurts’ singer Lizzo to use him like a handbag.

Muniz’s tweet was unleashed upon an unsuspecting world earlier today. I could reiterate its contents and provide some context, but to be honest, I don’t particularly believe that it needs either of those things. Sometimes, in the face of great art, all you need to do is stare at it, slack-jawed, and let it transport you.

So:

Hey @lizzo, lemme be your accessory. I can be a purse… put a chain around me and I'll hold your stuff for you… just sayin.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) September 25, 2019

For her part, Lizzo is yet to reply. Chances are, she is confused as the rest of us, given that this bold request appears to have come out of literally nowhere.

Though, given the way that these situations usually pan out, you can expect Muniz or Lizzo to post a video of her wrapping him up in a chain in a week or two. I’d put money on it.

It’s worth noting that this is not Muniz’s first rodeo when it comes to extraordinary Tweets. Over the last few years, the Malcolm In The Middle star has become one of our true digital poets, more Dril than your usual humdrum waning celebrity.

His Twitter timeline is a direct conduit to his brain, full of mini-koans about everything from microwave usage to the many, many times he has been assaulted by scorpions.

Also, it’s extremely mournful.

Just got stung by a scorpion.. never felt pain like this. Leg numb, vision blurry… I think i'm dying.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) June 30, 2012

Tired of all these scorpions.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) September 2, 2013

Some people are just getting home from the club right now, I've already been sleep for 7 hours and I'm up early to watch some infomercials.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) April 21, 2019

I lost my tortoise. Devastated.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) October 21, 2015

I turn 32 years old this year… But I just ate 4 hot dogs for dinner.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) April 8, 2017

I write an ungodly amount of tweets that I delete before sending. I don't think you can handle the things I truly have to say!

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) June 2, 2017

I used to be awesome.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) October 5, 2016

If I could go back in time, I would go back to punch 17 year old me in the throat.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) August 2, 2016

In fact, given how dour his content tends to go, Muniz’s Lizzo thirst represents something of a bold, upbeat new direction. Everyone has the right to get horny on main once in a while, and we should applaud Muniz from taking a break from his usual bitter musing on the nature of life to indulge in mankind’s greatest pastime: getting thirsty.