You and a few friends have planned to get dinner and drinks on Friday night. You’ve organised your outfit, ordered an Uber, and downed a quick beer in preparation. Ding! Oh, a friend is sick and can’t make it. Ding! Another COMPLETELY FORGOT that her stepmum’s birthday is tonight and oh god, don’t hate her but she has to bail.

You swear you could crush your beer can a la Darla from Little Rascals you’re that mad. This always seems to happen to you. And it’s always those friends too. You text the remaining two to see if they’re still keen, and you all agree to postpone for another night. Netflix it is!

I’ve been on both sides of this scenario. OK, mostly the flaking side. I think a lot of us have. And I’m here to tell you that while having a friend bail on you feels icky and so darn frustrating, being the one who bails doesn’t feel so great either.

So instead of making them feel bad, consider some of the following.

Figure Out Why

There are usually two reasons why a friend would flake. They’re either a) having trouble socialising, or b) very bad with managing their time.

Exhibit A:

Is your friend just a lousy flake, or are they actually struggling?

Relationship coach Kira Asatryan wrote a story for Psychology Today about how she figured out her friend was depressed based on how often she flaked. “My friend flaked when she couldn’t muster sufficient belief that the social event would be enjoyable,” she wrote. “She flaked when she couldn’t see the point of going. She had lost some hope that there was fun out there in the world.”

Sarah Ratchford echoed this sentiment for The Establishment, “Ask just about anyone with a mental illness and they will tell you it’s sometimes impossible to leave the house, let alone muster the energy for an extended social interaction.”

Getting out of the house and doing things is simply too difficult for some, and trying to communicate that to a friend is a lot harder than texting “I’m sick, sorry”.

Exhibit B: 

Ah, that extremely busy friend who gets all their appointments mixed up, never writes anything down and constantly reschedules your catch ups. (Literally me, FYI.)

It seems these people have a classic case of I-would-if-I-could-so-I’ll-pretend-I-can. “A lot of people overestimate their abilities,” psychotherapist Steven Berglas told the BBC. “They overburden themselves and don’t leave time to be prepared for critical tasks, so they fail. It’s self-handicapping behaviour.”

Most flakers are people-pleasers who say yes to everything because, well, they’d like to do everything. It just turns out they can’t. Which makes it more stressful for them because in an attempt to please people, they’ve done nothing but piss them off.

It’s an anxiety spiral of their own making, and it ain’t fun for anyone.

Then Talk To Them About It

Responding to a friend’s flakiness with “Don’t be a dog!” or the intentionally harsh “K” is doing nothing but fuelling a fire. One that will make you even more self-righteous, and make them hate themselves.

So for the moment, reply nicely to them instead. Then on a later date, speak to them about it. If they’re struggling with their mental health, reach out and let them know you’re there — let them come to you when they want to hang out (rather than the other way around) and only organise one-on-one dates so they’re not overwhelmed.

If they’re a classic over-committer, buy them a diary. It’ll make them lol. Then explain to them that while, yes, you fully understand that they’re busy, you’d like them to value your time more. A people-pleaser like this will have enough empathy (loads of it) to know you’re being serious, and to really take it on board.

Know When To Let Go

But then, of course, there are friends who don’t deserve your empathy or understanding. They just bail because they get a better offer, or genuinely don’t give a D about your life.

It sucks so much to accept that a person you consider a friend doesn’t really care much about you. But it happens, and you should respect yourself enough to let it be.

However, if you have a good friend, one of your mains, who has been struck down with flakey fever, then use our advice. They will get better.

(Lead image: 30 Rock/NBC)