Culture

Five-Year-Old Child Bludger Gets Fined For Bailing On Friend’s Birthday; Hoodwinks World’s Media Into Taking His Side

Is this the face of pure evil?

by Alex McKinnon  20 January 2015

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There are a lot of truly dreadful people in the world — Robert Mugabe, Julien Blanc, Kyle Sandilands — but five-year-old British toddler/practising dirtbag Alex Nash might just top them all. Nash has burned a lot of good honest citizens in his short life, but we’re calling this tiny sadist out. We’re onto you and your sick games, Nash, and we’ve had enough.

Just look at him. Look at the madness in his eyes.

Get this, right: Nash was invited to a mate’s birthday party, and instead of going along and having a good time, he made like every inconsiderate drongo you’ve ever met and just decided to pike without any notice. Nash’s selfish act left party hostess, mother of the birthday boy and hard-working mum Julie Lawrence out of pocket sixteen quid, proving that lifters and leaners aren’t only to be found in macroeconomics, isn’t that right Joe Hockey.

First off, Nash: some common courtesy wouldn’t have gone astray here, mate. Your mate’s waiting there at his birthday party, all excited, trying to have a good time, and where’s Alex? Didn’t even ring him, didja? Give a bloke an excuse, at least, hey? “Sorry Damo, gotta pike on your party mate, my back’s playing up again, let’s catch up during the week hey, have a bev or three”. Not so hard, is it, son? That’s all it would’ve taken, but that was too much to ask from bloody Alex High-And-Mighty Nash. Unbelievable. So that’s Strike One, Nash. I’m keeping count.

Lawrence quite reasonably sent an invoice covering the damages to Alex’s school, who passed it on to the devious child himself. He showed it to his dad Derek, and rather than pay their dues like decent people this father-and-son travelling bludger circus are disputing their need to pay the fine at all.

“It was a proper invoice with full official details and even her bank details on it,” Nash the Elder told the British media. That’s exactly right, Derek, because that’s how civilised people do business. They provide goods and services and expect payment in exchange, regardless of whether some welfare baron five-year-old decides last-minute not to use the service he signed up for. Keep up this sorry pattern of parenting behaviour and you’ll be seeing your kid from behind prison glass, Derek. Get it together.

Alex, mate: since your father’s clearly a deadbeat and quite possibly some sort of serial conman, let me give you a bit of overdue advice from one Alex to another. Count yourself lucky you only got charged a no-show fee; I would’ve done some ringing around and sent your credit rating through the floor, son. You think Optus will let you pull weak shit like that if you try to bail on a contract ahead of time? You think landlords are gonna just up and give you bond back if you cut and run on the deal? Do you live in the fucking world, Alex? Wake up to yourself. That’s Strike Two.

By now you’re no doubt livid over this sorry state of affairs, and rightly so. But that’s not all: the Nash duo have gone crying to the media with their sob “story”, and rather than call them out on this heinous act, respected news outlets the world over have fallen for their ploy like a row of gullible skittles. Take a look at some of the shocking headlines editors have churned out today in support of the Nashes and their agenda.

The Australian media’s taken the bait as well, I’m sorry to say. There will be no Walkleys this year, everyone, because you all dropped the ball.

Oh, Aunty. Not you too. I expected this from the others, but not from you. This is Strike Three, right here.

Clearly this has gone too far. Not only has Nash turned his back on a mate and ripped off his mate’s mum; he’s hoodwinked the world’s media into thinking that somehow he’s the victim. He’s got them eating out of his tiny, money-grubbing hands. That’s some cold shit, Nash, but we’re calling you out for the nasty piece of work you are. Your name’s marked, son.

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(DISCLAIMER: This story is tongue-in-cheek. Neither the author nor the publication genuinely believe this child is the Devil; he is probably very nice.)