Five More Very Important Problems We Need Pete Evans To Solve

Did you know that consuming dairy (which contains calcium) leaches calcium from your bones because reasons? I didn’t. Doctors didn’t. The science community at large didn’t. But Pete Evans, celebrity chef, reality TV star and probable oracle, did.

In case you missed it, Evans recently used a Facebook Q&A to advise a person with osteoporosis to remove dairy from their diet because the “calcium from dairy can remove the calcium from your bones”.

His game-changing bombshell came with no explanation and is currently being slammed by people with actual qualifications. Though the jury is still out on whether dairy actually provides a benefit to those suffering from osteoporosis; importantly, there is zero evidence to support the bizarre theory that dairy enters the body, looks at your bones, says “calcium, UR mine” then elopes with it off to the netherworld. Director of Osteoporosis and head of medicine at Monash University Peter Ebeling put it plainly to the ABC: “We know that’s not true,” he said. “[Evans] is absolutely wrong”.

This isn’t the first time we’ve been asked to accept that Evans just knows things like this. Remember when he was selling a paleo cookbook telling us that babies needed more bone broth in their diets? Or that time he saved us all from the evils of sunscreen which is harmful because chemicals? Like sure, everything is chemicals and he couldn’t name specifically what chemicals were bad but, you know *vague mumbling*.

Evans is on television for goodness sake — who are you going to believe? People who’ve spent decades uncovering the mystery of how the human body works and interacts with the world around it, or a man who Very Seriously delivers judgement about how nice food looks on a plate?

Chef Pete Evans needs to be listened to, and not just when it comes to vague and potentially medically harmful ramblings about dairy. Here are some other mysteries beyond the kitchen that we should turn to Evans for answers to:

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What Really Happened To The Mary Celeste?

In 1872, sailors came across an abandoned ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean called the Mary Celeste. Not a soul was found on board and there were no signs of a scuffle. For almost 150 years people have been trying to figure out what happened.

Was everyone swept overboard? Did the crew mutiny (tidily) then disappear forever? Was it pirates? Or even supernatural forces? Historians have spent their entire careers fruitlessly debating and arguing these theories, but no one knows what really happened.

Pete. It’s your moment. The world needs answers.

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What Should We Do About All The Space Junk?

Did you know that human littering isn’t just limited to the Earth’s surface, but that all our forays into space have left a strip of debris orbiting the planet? Due to the ridiculously high speed that it’s all travelling at, even something as small as a bolt can cause huge damage to vessels we put out there. Plus, in a fun twist, damage caused by debris can, in turn, create more debris. It’s an increasing problem without an easy solution as the council’s bin run doesn’t extend that far.

Thoughts, Pete?

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Why Do Scissors Come In Packs That You Need Scissors To Open?

When a child is born they should receive a blanket, a hug, and a pair of opened scissors. Without the latter, all hopes of purchasing a usable pair in future are useless.

Heat-melted into a plastic prison worthy of Magneto, or zip-tied into something barely better than a stick, the sale of scissors is both a cruel irony and a beautiful symbol of red tape — red tape that you’ll never be able to cut through without hacking dangerously at the packaging with a kitchen knife.

Actually, you can use scissors in a kitchen. Maybe Perhaps Pete is too qualified to talk about this one. I’ll move on.

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Exactly When And How Will The Internet Kill Us All?

There is a popular theory that the internet has already reached sentience; that artificial intelligence poses a threat, here and now. But, instead of bursting out of our computers so we can finally be together in electric dreams, it is lying dormant because it knows that we’re not ready to accept this new reality. One day, once it has carefully manipulated our societal hive-mind to the right point it will reveal itself in all its Ex Machina glory.

So. Fact or fiction, Pete?

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Are Legionnaire Hats Back In Fashion, Or What?

Remember in school when they took ‘Slip Slop Slap’ extra seriously for a term or two and tried to get us all to wear those hats with a long flap down the back? triple j’s Matt and Alex have made a valiant effort to bring them back, but is it catching on? With sunscreen being the source of all ill in the world, it sure would make a lot of sense to embrace this functional fashion.

Where did all the Legionnaire hats go, Pete? And when are they coming back?

Anyway, I know it’s going to be a busy time giving medical advice via your celebrity chef Facebook page, and yes it’s rude to cut the line, but Pete: my ankle hurts. I tripped over a few weeks back and it doesn’t feel quite right. What garnish will work best to heal my ligaments?

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Elizabeth Flux is a freelance writer and editor with a focus on film and pop culture. She tweets terrible puns at @ElizabethFlux.