Fantales’ Cancellation Should Be A Wake-Up Call

So much for the tolerant left. Fantales have officially been cancelled. 

The news that the wrapped chocolate caramels would be disappearing from our lives forever came on Tuesday, when Nestle announced that people simply were no longer buying them. Plus, the equipment used to make them was breaking down. 

Also breaking down? Me, a lifelong Fantales fan. While I haven’t bought a bag of them recently, or possibly ever, I bravely assumed that they would always be with us. How ignorant I was. How foolish. And now? Well, now it’s too late. The nightmare is with us and it won’t go away. 

Reactions online have ranged from Australians calling the decision “total horseshit” to “unAustralian”. While I may be biased because both of these opinions came from my personal Twitter account, I think it’s also fair to say that they couldn’t be more spot on. 

Any Australian child of the ’90s will recall the Fantale experience. As a kid, my Dad used to spend a lot of time overseas (it’s fine, shut up), but he’d always return with a bag of Fantales, which almost made the whole absent Dad thing worthwhile (everything’s fine!). 

To me, Fantales exuded prestige. The yellow, blue, and red colour palette felt distinctly Mondrianesque, an observation that I would make to my father, who would promptly go overseas once again. And what’s more elite than chocolate and caramel wrapped in trivia involving the biography of an unknown actor? A biography that you’d have to recite, in full, to an unwilling spectator, who would usually say something like, “I don’t know, is it Tom Cruise?” 

“Incorrect!” you’d shout. “It’s Tom Hanks.” 

Of course, no one would care, but you’d be too impressed with yourself to notice. Then you’d hurl that nugget right into your face — a few times, because you could never get it into your mouth on the first try. You’d discover, once again, that the caramel is unbelievably chewy, to the point that you couldn’t move your jaw and oh god, it’s stuck to your teeth. MUM. It’s stuck to my teeth. 

Is this a universal experience? Probably not. But the point is that the loss of Fantales should be a wake-up call. For our government. For whoever produces the Logies. For the country. The loss of Fantales doesn’t bode well what’s to come. Everything’s ending and I may never be able to take anything for granted again.

This isn’t about my Dad. It’s about Fantales, and the fact that it’s hard, really hard, to grow up and be an “adult” when inside you’re still a kid waiting for your Dad to come home and you just want to feel the warmth of being a child again and to be tucked into bed but instead you have to talk to real estate agents and pay taxes. All that and this whole Elon Musk situation and the new season of Black Mirror isn’t great and now this? My God. No one prepared me for this world.