A Recap Of The Most Homoerotic Moments Of ‘The Falcon And The Winter Soldier’

Disney Marvel are playing it coy, but why would they create a new show about two random dudes from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, called The Falcon and the Winter Soldier if there wasn’t at least the outside chance that they might… kiss?

Sure, there’s been no real hint that these beefy action men, these mildly super heroes, will have any kind of homoerotic attraction to each other, but there’s ALSO been no word to the contrary. Marvel, you must release a statement telling me specifically that Mr Falcon will not get fisted by Bucky Barnes robotic arm, before I will ever consider ceasing and desisting from this line of thought.

I mean, if the critically lauded WandaVision was a story about grief and love and magic, why wouldn’t Disney+’s next MCU offering be about boyfriends in an erotically charged will-they won’t-they action movie????

So, I have decided to recap every episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, through the lens of deconstructed moments of perceived horniness. I wonder if my family are proud of the paths I’ve taken through life?

Let’s get into it.

This Is A Show About Not Dealing With A Breakup

Before the episode even starts, you just know that this show is about two men who miss their boyfriend, Steve “Captain” Rogers, the American. The only thing that really connects our two protagonists is the fact that they are both deeply in love with Captain America, and both miss him a lot.

If you’re not aware, both Bucky and Falcor were introduced through the Captain America franchise of solo films. Bucksy lived in the past with Captain America, and loved Steve before he was given his beef-stud injection, to become a patriotic beef-stud. Steve loved Buckman before he got brainwashed by the Russians — the two genders! This happened in the first Captain America film, and has far-ranging consequences. You never get over your first love, etc.

Mr Falcon (I do not know his name. Eugene?) met Steve in Captain America: The Winter Soldier when they had a meet-cute running around Washington, which became a really cute private joke between them. “On your left” he later says to Cap in Endgame, a very sexy callback to jogging.

Anyway, they both miss their boyfriend who they were in love with, and are a seething mass of jealousy about each other, and the tension!!!! You could cut it with a magic sword (fantasy).

Crisp Slacks!

We open on a moody shot of Sir Falcon ironing. Girl, a man ironing is a very homoerotic image, because it means he takes pride in his appearance (gay), is neat (gay), and owns a pair of slacks worthy of being ironed and not an old hessian sack or whatever straight men wear on their gams.

Also, yes i know, it also confirms Falcon is the bottom.

Onesie Diving

I don’t know what this is! But the first big (and quite spectacular) action scene involves Donny Falcon fighting with a bunch of generic bad Europeans, who all jump out of an aeroplane in what looks like onesies with wings.

Onesies, overalls, those things that the ducks wear in Donald Duck with a butt flap, this is all queer culture, and so is this scene. It’s very choreography vibes, very Nikki Webster flying above us all, warning us about Y2k.

Join The Navy!

If porn has taught me anything (and it has, but most of it is very toxic), it’s that there’s nothing more homoerotic than the military. It’s all about discipline I guess, and big butch boots, and the forbidden danger of desiring a man covered in guns. I don’t know.

So, logic stands that if the military is gay and hot, then propaganda for the industrial military complex and American imperialism is HUBBA HUBBA.

We get a whole bunch of it in the first ep, with much of Dr Falcon’s stuff being about fighting people in Tunisia. Some Tunisian locals come up to him at a cafe to thank him for saving their family, which… I guess in this world there’s a hot Australian norse god, a magic sitcom woman, and a man with mechanical wings — is it so crazy to put forward the idea of a world where American imperialism benefitted people???? I’m gonna go with yes.

Never Stop Not Not Thinking About Your Ex

You know what a homoerotic thing is? being obsessed with your ex. You know what another homoerotic thing is? Trying to get closure through super dramatic gestures, such as giving your exes “shield” (bag of butt plugs) to the Smithsonian (bonfire in your backyard).

Anyway, Falco decides he doesn’t deserve the mantle of Captain America, and decides that his ex boyfriend deserves to stay in the past, in a museum.

BUT. THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS. BECAUSE QUEER CULTURE MEANS THAT COMMUNITY IS VERY SMALL AND YOUR EX ALWAYS COMES BACK.

Also queer culture is dating someone who looks just like your ex, except slightly slightly melted.

Winter Soldiers Will Literally Go To Therapy Instead Of Going To Therapy

Nothing is more homoerotic than a sad gay boy going to therapy with a tough older woman.

Bucky isn’t doing well!!! He misses his boo.

Very clearly this show has decided to put some NUANCE into these characters, investigate them, make them complex. We only have a couple of hints as to who the big baddy is — but I think the real struggle is with being sad.

Hanging Out With Your Much Older Wise Gay Friend Who Is Also Very Sad Due To A Lifetime Of Struggle

Look, the problem is that Bucky and Falcman haven’t MET in this show yet, so they can’t be super homoerotic with each other, i am STRUGGLING and SCRAPING THE BARREL, but i’m assuming this will all pay off soon.

Also, Bucky and his old man friend wouldn’t be where they are, if Nick Miller and Tran hadn’t paved the way first.

This Shot Of The Winter Bitch

I’m willing to eat this criticism: this is actually the only homoerotic moment from The Falcon and The Winter Soldier. I know what I’m about. I get it. Next week they will smooch, mark my words.

Oh, His Name Is SAM

Sam Falcon. I remember now. ANYWAY. I liked this show, it was good, I’m looking forward to next week. I didn’t put it in this recap because it’s not homoerotic, but there’s some bad guys who want life to return to what it was like during the blip. So, Thanos stans.

Junkee will be continuing these recaps, as well as doing a rolling wrap of Easter Eggs and references from our stable of Marvel nerds.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is currently streaming weekly on Disney+.

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Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.