Cure Your Insatiable Porn Habit With ‘Every Young Man’s Battle: The Movie’
C'mon, don't be such a Kevin.
How can a moral young man live a life of virtue when slobby dudes named Kevin approach you in your library study cubicle with news of porn websites apparently named ‘www.www.www’?
That’s the question asked by Every Young Man’s Battle: The Movie, a helpful Christian film that charts that most troubling teenage rite of passage: being ridiculously redheaded, I mean, masturbating to porn.
The film follows Brad, a young student who’s experiencing the first proper stirrings of sexual desire. “Sigh, why’d I do that?” says Brad, when momentarily distracted from his studies by the devilish allure of an animated leg in a high-heel. Along the way, Brad receives helpful advice from a creepy professor with a creepy moustache, and suffers a cutting look of betrayal when his friend Kevin opens the front door of his teenage shack, takes an evil swig of beer, and watches his potential porn pal turn his back on a night of friendly fappery. It’s heartbreaking.
The film was uploaded to YouTube overnight, although judging by the Brandon Walsh-y denim fashions, box-y desktop computers and soulful R&B sex jams (“Insiiiiide ooouuuuut…”), it was probably actually shot sometime around 1992.
Still, its message remains pertinent: will you follow the casual path of “special buzz juice“ and weirdo teenage circle jerks or take the road less travelled of blue-balled loneliness on your cool-guy motorcycle?
The choice is yours.