Emma Watson’s Instagram Birthday Post Is Actually Chilling
Emma Watson’s effusive birthday tribute to herself is an obvious admission of criminal behaviour, but is anyone ready for that conversation?
The actor, who normally doesn’t say much on social media, threw all caution to the wind last week in an unabashed Instagram tribute to her millennial heritage, which includes astrological references to her “Saturn return”, an adopted Mexican dog called Sofia, and the declaration that she cut both her thumbs while learning how to cook. We get it, Emma! You were born in 1990!
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Seriously, though. We are happy for her. Going to therapy, cooking food, eating your vegetables… this all sounds important. But the whole thing begs a much more urgent question: is Emma Watson actually admitting that she is an arsonist? And is anyone ready for that conversation?
It’s something that most of us have been afraid to ask, despite all of the signs being there. The 33-year-old proudly says in her caption that she “burned some things down” — a statement accompanied by emojis of buildings, flames, and a fire extinguisher. Is anyone looking into this? Have the authorities been informed? Or are we too distracted by all the tiny symbols to even care?
Either way, Watson was just getting started, even going so far as to make brazen references to the occult. “Thank you to the witches in my coven,” she writes, adding that the witches were “pivotal” to helping her “arrive at where and who I am now”. The unbelievable admission is then followed up by the the emoji of a mage. I don’t want to freak anyone out, but a mage is a literal sorceress, OK? An omnipotent spellcaster. They’re arguably more powerful than both witches and wizards, and literally no one is talking about it.
If that wasn’t enough, Watson alludes to a “daily practice” that she can maintain for “more than a few days in a row.” But what’s the nature of that practice? What is she training for? And who will perish as a consequence?
Say what you will about Emma Watson’s 33rd birthday Instagram post. Some may see it as a celebration of small victories. Others may find it cringe. But ultimately, this was the birthday that Watson decided to tell us who she really was. Whether we choose to pay attention is another question altogether.
This is a satirical article written by Reena Gupta. She tweets at @purpletank.