Eight Ridiculously Expensive Apps That Actually Exist
It turns out you can pay $200 to have your phone make a terrible sound.
The Australian dollar is tipped to fall to 90c of the US buck before the week is out, for the first time in almost three years.
We have no idea what that means in real financial terms because finance is boring. What it means in app store terms is that all of these apps will become more expensive. So you should buy them all today.
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I’m Rich!! (Black Diamond)
Android
Price: $200
Category: Social
Are you sick of being really rich without everybody knowing that you are really rich? Now you can display how rich you are by spending all of your money on a bad graphic.
“Diamond is a symbol of love, brave, power, status, dignity and loyalty,” reads the item description, after clarifying that the app does nothing but “display your status”.
“If you love him, his mobile, worth having it.”
Because of course this exists.
If you’re only a little bit rich, but not completely rich, you can buy different coloured diamonds. Blue is, hilariously, free; Pink is $13 (“hot”), and white is $130 (“high roller”).
(iTunes used to have an iOS version for $999.99. It got pulled from the App store after someone actually bought it.)
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KGulf
iOS
Price: $499.99
Category: Education
Finally! An easily-accessible app that provides 2D simulations of tidal current and water level variations of the Arabian Gulf and Kuwait waters!
KGulf maps the tides from the year 1975, and predicts what will be happening up until the year 2035, with hourly output results based on a TIDCALC model, a RMA-10 hydrodynamic model and some “field measurements”. If that doesn’t make sense to you, watch this great silent movie!
That’s all in order. For more information, check out this PDF, which contains these kinds of sentences: “For such models they may differ in the choice of the numerical grid, the discritization method, the time difference scheme, the solution technique, and the treatment of boundary conditions.”
Alternatively, you may refer to these grids.
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BarMax for NY and California
iOS
Price: $999.99 (CA); $1049.99 (NY)
Category: Education
This one’s actually pretty legit. Created by Harvard Law School alumni, BarMax is the leading comprehensive bar exam review course app, which has been featured in the Washington Post, Above The Law, National Jurist and more. The App has two main versions; in 2012, students of the California app had an overall CA pass rate of 73% (22 points higher than the state average), while the New York app’s pass rate was 81% (17 points above average.)
$1000 is a hefty price to pay, but it’s apparently only a quarter of how much other packages cost, and it includes a lot: 50 hours of Harvard lectures, 1500 real questions from previous bar exams, 130 practice essays and 30 real performance tests (each with two model answers), personalised essay feedback, unlimited email and phone support, and lifetime access. Also you cannot put a price on this kind of knowledge, so do not even try.
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Water Globe
iOS
Price: $219.99
Category: Entertainment
Use this beautiful app to churn beautiful snowflakes all over a beautiful picture of a globe. But that’s not all! For an easy $220, you can change the globe background, the snowflake size, the amount of snow and how fast it falls, making for many beautiful variables that will keep you beautifully entertained.
Some of the variables include lucky cat, or happy Buddha.
Others include hand sock puppet (?), and the word “love” spelled out in some different languages/fonts.
If you choose to purchase this for some reason, you might also be interested in ‘iSnow Globe!’ (free), ‘Winter Snow Globe’ (free), ‘Digital Snow Globe v2′ (free), ’3D Snow Globe’ (free), ‘iDoodle Snow Globe’ (free), ‘Jigsaw Snow Globe’ (free) or ‘Free Snow Globe’ (also free, because why would you pay for this).
The weirdest thing about this app is that it has been rated 86 times, for an average score of 2.5.
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VIP Black
iOS
Price: $1049.99
Category: Lifestyle
“Luxury Discovery. VIP Treatment. Lifestyle Management. The world’s first premium lifestyle app.”
Also known as ‘The Millionaire’s App’, VIP Black is only available for High Net Worth Individuals with assets/income in excess of £1 million. If you download the app and cannot certify that you are a millionaire, you have just lost yourself yet another $1000, are terrible with your money, and will be poor forever. :(
Here’s how the other half live: complimentary upgrades, “surprise gifts”, exclusive rates, priority access and welcome packages from iVIP’s global range of partners, which includes Gordon Ramsay Restaurants, Virgin Limited Edition and Firmdale Hotels. They also have access to services like ‘Anything, Anywhere’ (these guys will find anything for you, anywhere!) and ‘Watch Finding Service’ (these guys will only find watches.)*
It all looks so fancy you will just want to die.
* Please note: all the services offered by this thousand-dollar app come at an additional cost.
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Preebs
iOS
Price: $799.99
Category: Social Networking
“We use billboards, bus shelters and all types of outdoor advertising to create a fun commute. Combining brands you love, your smartphone and the everyday commute, we allow you to explore online content that is localised at will and on your own time.”
That all sounds like heaps of fun (it doesn’t), but what does it actually mean? From what I can gather, installing Preebs means that outdoor advertisers can track you down, data-mine your phone, and try and sell more things to you. Why anyone would spend $800 for that privilege is beyond me. Stay outdoors!
“P.S. – You can also leave messages at billboards for others too,” says app developer Will Taylor, after he signs off the official app description for some reason. “Location based messages that can be dropped at any billboard that you know friends will be passing.”
Your friends are called Iceman and Goose and Air Boss Johnson, and they are sending you messages like this:
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Anesthesia Central
iOS + Android
Price: $149.95
Category: Medical
Anesthesia Central comes from Unbound Medicine, who dominate the Android App charts with their range of medical apps. This one tells anesthesiologists how much anesthesia they should inject into what part of your body, which is probably something they should learn in medical school.
The app includes a manual of anesthesia practice, pocket ICU management (“covers a range of topics, from life-threatening disorders to presenting conditions”), ‘David’s Drug Guide’ and more.
Don’t know what’s up with your patient? Try this handy flow-chart!
Unbound Medicine have another app called ‘Nursing Central‘, which, for a one-time price of $159.95, will let you know what exactly is that organ.
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Vuvuzela World Cup Horn Plus
Android
Price: $200
Category: Entertainment
“Shake your phone and your horn begins to blast; shake it again and it stops.”
So far, Vuvuzela World Cup Horn Plus has only one review: “This app is crapp. For $200 it should come with a happy ending.”