Eight Lessons We Learnt From ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fifth Season

End of Season’s Greetings, fellow Game of Thrones lovers. Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal saviour?

Season five has come to an end, and in classic GoT style it played out just like the ones that came before it: first few episodes were us catching up on plotlines, then getting frustrated by the necessary seeding of said plotlines, then angry about something that happens to a female character, then distracted by something freaking awesome in either episode 8 or 9, and then left with a finale that leaves us guessing.

But despite the similar formula, we managed to learn a great deal about the Game this season. Here are the top eight lessons.

#1: Don’t Do Ice, Kids

Those White Walkers look so much like the Faces of Meth campaign I wonder if Tony Abbott didn’t pay GoT to wage his War on Ice for him.

The epic battle between the White Walkers and JSno was THE moment of season five. I for one cannot wait for that Head White Walker to met Cersei “Let It Go” Lannister in the ultimate battle of ice queens.

Next season prediction: Ice people armies aren’t cheap to animate, so if you’re hanging for another battle between the forces of good and a bunch of white zombies, check out the next Reclaim Australia rally.

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#2: The North Dismembers

Sansa Stark started the season with her edgy The Craft-inspired makeover, but quickly returned to her fulfilling her destiny as the Cathy comic of Westeros. Ack.

After her political marriage to Ramsay Bolton restored her to Winterfell, her new husband’s foul and sadly unsurprising practice of marital rape leads Sansa to beg Reek/Theon (Reon?) to help her escape.

Instead, Reon proves he does indeed wear nappies by dibber dobbing on her to Bolton, who responds with a pointed example of what happens to traitors.

Next season prediction: Little Orphan Sannie Stark is well overdue for a break. Given the onset of winter and her own miserable luck, I wouldn’t be singing about the sun coming out any time soon though.

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#3: Margaret Seeks New David, Is Disappointed

Lady Olenna of House Golden Girls held onto her crown as the shadiest bitch on the block. Last season she got to plot the murder of King Twink AND trade some choice barbs with another queen worthy of her wit (but then Tywin Lannister got shot on the toilet, and she lost her squirrel friend.)

Lady O can’t go two 4pm dinners without some A-grade back and forth with another senior citizen, so this season she faced off with the new High Septon, St CEO Sleepout.

What followed was a most succinct reduction of Occupy Westeros VS the 1%, which would have been great except in the Seven Kingdoms the Occupy movement is SUPER homophobic, so Lady PFLAG won it as a moral victory.

Next season prediction: Despite her loyal following, The Gays turn on Lady Olenna because she won’t stop doing yoga and her arms start to scare people.

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#4: All’s Samwell That Ends Samwell

Each season I find new ways to be annoyed by these wet frozen blankets, but season five finally saw Samwell do less stammering and more hammering.

First, Sam pulled off some serious Peta Credlin moves in installing JSno as the leader of the Men In Black. But it was his love for Gilly that motivated his bravest act. When (another) female character was about to get raped, Samwell not only copped a beating trying to defend her, but he got up again, ready to die for her.

Fortunately, JSno’s direwolf arrived before that had to happen. And then Samwell gave Gilly his precious flower.

Next season prediction: Gilly and her Mr Big navigate modern relationships against the backdrop of a busy metropolis in ‘Sex And The Citadel’.

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#5: Dude, She Swiped Left. Move On.

Ser Jorah of MilHouse Mormont does. Not. Get. The. Hint. I get that once you watch your bae walk nude out of a fire bearing her dragon babies, it’s pretty hard to walk away — but Daenerys doth royally decree you a scrub, and she wanteth none of it.

Ser Jorah handled most of season five like a newly divorced Dad trying to win back his ex-wife who also happened to be his daughter. Tres creepy. Oh, then he saved her life in the epic dragon battle, etc etc.

Next season prediction: Ser Weekend Dad attempts to use his life-threatening greyscale to score pity sex, in a special episode titled ‘The Fault In Our Jorahs’.

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#6: Don’t Offer To Do Anything For Your Parents, Ever

Whether it’s helping them clear out the garage, or being burnt alive to appease The Lord of Light, our parents ask a lot of us. Sometimes we do things for them out of guilt because, well, they gave us life.

This season, we discovered that when it comes to that life, Stannis Barratheon is one hell of a re-gifter. ‘King’ Stannis sacrificed his only offspring, Princess Shireen, because Lady Napro Live Colour said The Lord of Light needed it, for reasons.

The worse thing about Shireen’s death (aside from the screams) was how quickly she agreed to it. It didn’t matter that she didn’t know what she was signing up for because, in her eyes, Shireen was finally being useful. I hope she’s up in Westerosi heaven right now with her Gay Uncle Renly, laughing at how Stannis is a total Miranda. (Shireen is obviously a Charlotte, but Renly lets her be a Carrie.)

Next season prediction: Are we sure Melisandre is speaking to a god, and not just being trolled by 4Chan? Lord of Light = LOL. Think about it.

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#7: No One Cares, Dorne.

The Dorne Sublot: in which Jaime Lannister went to save his daughter/niece Myrcella from her new life inside a Taylor Swift film clip. That film clip came complete with some sneaky villains in the form of the Sand Snakes (who wanted to kill/maim Myrcella as payback). Just like your standard Taylor Swift video villains, we knew the Sand Snakes were wicked because they were brunette women.

Regardless, that actual tension lasted one episode, and what followed was literally the characters sitting around and waiting to go home until the end of season.

Then, in classic GoT style, JUST as Myrcella gave her Dad/Uncle three thumbs up over the whole inbreeding thing, she was bested by some lingering poison left after a girl-on-girl kiss with Mother Sand Snake. RIP, MyrTaylor.

Next season prediction: This now means Jaime has dropped the ball on two out of three children. He’s heading back to Cersei, who just got given her own militarised zombie. Do the math.

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#8: Oysters Get Me Horny… FOR REVENGE

Ayra “Hermione 2.0” Stark had another great season, if greatness is measured by A CHILD’S BODY COUNT. Ayra took one hell of a gap year by heading to Braavos and joining the Faceless Men Academy of Performing Arts, where she learnt important skills such as extended improv, accents, and a lot about corpse-ing.

Ayra then cast herself in the exciting new role of “revenge killer of Meryn Trant,” which she executed with aplomb. The reviews however weren’t so good, and Ayra was blinded as punishment.

Next season prediction: Ayra gets her eyesight back, moves to Dorne and joins the Sand Snakes. They get signed to the same label as HAIM. It’s their year, guys.

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The new season of Game of Thrones comes out around Easter-ish every year, which will be perfect for season six given that JON SNOW MUST RISE AGAIN.

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Nic Holas has been published in Hello Mr Magazine, Star Observer, The Needle Prick Project, and Cosmopolitan. You can find him on Twitter @nicheholas, or in his role as co-founder of HIV social umbrella The Institute of Many.