Eight Kickstarter Projects That Need To Happen Now

Well, it’s official. Garden State‘s getting a crowd-funded follow-up. Within four days of launching his Kickstarter campaign, Zach Braff had made over $2 million from 30 000 backers.

We have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it’s nice when the internet bands together and gets something it wants. On the other hand, Garden State really doesn’t need a follow-up. Wasn’t that whole film about realising that the house you grew up in isn’t your home anymore? And that, by extension, the films that you grew up with are probably not as meaningful as you remember? And actually turn out to be quite small and irritating in retrospect, and so should never, ever be revisited?

So what’s the deal? Are people on the internet just hanging out waiting for stuff to put money towards?

If so, can’t they put money towards this stuff instead?

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Weekend At Bernies 3 – Directed by David Lynch

Suggested by: Luke Ryan

In this third instalment of the legendary franchise, a seemingly alive Bernie finds himself drifting through a recognisable, yet ambiguous and hellish island landscape, while two pranksters (Larry and Richard) torment and challenge him to prove that he’s truly alive. Set against the backdrop of the island’s annual Shrimp Fest, Bernie finds himself caught in a rising storm of violence, sex and drug use. As layer upon layer of dream and hallucination begin to take their toll, Bernie starts calling into question his own existence – and that of his tormentors. But are Larry and Richard his saviours… or his destroyers? And who is that dancing midget in the red velvet room?

Stars Louis CK as Bernie.

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Madonna’s Australian Tour

Suggested by: Nicholas Fonseca

So, look: it’s pretty clear Madonna isn’t that interested in playing Australia again. After a two-decade absence, four Oz-free global tours, and last year’s promising admittance from manager Guy Oseary that she was “long overdue” for more concerts here, she bailed again — basically blaming her kids for the decision not to bring the MDNA Tour to our shores.

The truth? Um, Madonna’s a famous miser. Handing over $75 million in her divorce settlement with Guy Ritchie was a blow to both her ego and her wallet, and her global jaunts aren’t exactly threadbare — the cost of bringing all that equipment all this way no doubt factors into her decision, even if she’ll never admit it. So let’s help a (billionaire) sister out, shall we? Surely you’ll throw in a few gold coins for the pleasure of seeing the lady thrust her crotch in and wave a gun at your face, preach about politics and religion and all manner of uncomfortable things, and maybe even pop her boob out. Because you haven’t seen that thing enough, now, have you?

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Overalls: The Comeback

Suggested by: Ben Jenkins

This is less a movie than it is an item of clothing, but that shouldn’t stop this grassroots campaign getting some serious viral traction. Don’t just take our word for it — why, just ask ’90s Tu Pac! Or sexy ’90s Drew Barrymore!

What’s that, Alex Mack? You love overalls?! Well, we can hardly argue with someone who can turn into goo on a whim! #2013overalls

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Gilmore Girls: The Movie

Suggested by: Nathan Jolly

While Gilmore Girls fans got seven caffeine-fuelled seasons, the rug was also pulled from under them somewhat when creator/writer/auteur Amy Sherman-Palladino left the show at the end of season six, leaving Stars Hollow and its inhabitants, well, a little hollow during the final season. So while the cast remained the same and the ending was great, it was like someone else was telling us the story.

A little film-length catch-up with Rory and Lorelai would stop me once and for all from sending fan-fiction scripts to Alexis Bledel, especially if even a fraction of the auxiliary cast return. Carole King, Adam Brody and Sebastian Bach are also more than welcome back in the fold. I have faith in Amy Sherman-Palladino’s ability to write around the issue of Hep Alien having three guitarists.

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Pay Amanda Palmer To Shut Down Her Internet

Suggested by: Steph Harmon

I know you have a lot of fans, Amanda Palmer, and I’m sure you deserve them. ‘Girl Anachronism’ was a great song, you are talented and smart and have worked hard to get where you are, and there are people the world over who get a lot out of having a melodramatic cabaret punk feminist art school icon to make them feel okay about doing creative things with their hair lives. But, Amanda Palmer, while the internet has made you, it is breaking you just as quickly.

It doesn’t look good when you use your rabidly loyal fanbase to make over a million dollars via Kickstarter, and then proclaim such a successful campaign to be ‘the future of music’ — as if a) this sort of thing hasn’t been happening for decades, and b) anybody can do it just as well as you did. (Especially when you follow this up by using same fans to play for free in your band and then, when questioned, claim you couldn’t afford to pay them.)

Feel free to write a poem called ‘a poem for dzhokhar‘, which includes phrases like “you don’t know how to mourn your dead brother.” But when you publish this poem online days after a tragedy that has your country still reeling — a poem which is, yes, empathetic, fine, but is also sympathetic of the man behind the bombings — do not act surprised, shocked, upset, outraged by the criticism you receive.

Do not ask Salon.com to publish your open letter to Morrissey, the first eight paragraphs of which are all about yourself. Do not try to use Morrissey to validate your semi-exploitative practices, and do not try to give him advice — because, well, he is Morrissey. You are getting a lot of hate this week, Amanda Palmer. You are being ridiculed, absolutely. But you are doing this to yourself. Shut it down.

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Party Down: The Movie

Suggested by: Caitlin Welsh

Continuing the story of the criminally underappreciated, brutally short series Party Down should be the natural next step for Rob Thomas, once the Veronica Mars movie wraps. The VM co-creator is also responsible, along with Paul Rudd, Dan Etheridge and John Enbom, for the greatest series about cater-waitering ever.

While Adam Scott would need to schedule filming around Parks And Rec (which will never, ever go off-air), and Jane Lynch is still busy with that other thing, the rest of the cast – including Ryan “Dick Casablancas” Hansen – aren’t doing anything pressing, as far as we can tell. Enbom is working on the film script; Martin Starr and Megan Mullaly have basically confirmed that everyone’s keen; Thomas knows now that Kickstarter is useful.

Let’s all embrace the glorious inevitability of this so we can move onto my real most-wanted project: an alternate fourth season of Community, set in the Darkest Timeline, written by Dan Harmon and Megan Ganz with no involvement from NBC whatsoever. (And Pierce is dead there, so they wouldn’t even have Chevy issues! C’mon, guys!)

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Earth 2: The Movie

Suggested by: Stephanie Van Schilt

This mid-’90s sci-fi show ended on a cliffhanger after one season. I was obsessed with it as a kid (on a bill with The Pretender and Sliders). There’s a high chance it’s horrible to re-watch now (I’m not yet willing to risk my cherished memories), but I’d definitely pitch in for a revitalised film version. I’d be fine contributing to B-grade movie addition, but maybe not a whole series. And I’d draw the line if it were going to be based on this appalling promo for the proposed “retooled” second season (thankfully that never got picked up).

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A Local Release Of Seiken Densetsu 3

Suggested by: Alasdair Duncan

Secret Of Mana was one of the defining games of the Super Nintendo era. The graphics may have been chunky, but the story was moving, and the gameplay introduced a new level of slickness to the Action RPG genre. This beloved game has since been ported to iPhone and Android, but its sequel, Seiken Densetsu 3 has never been released outside of Japan. A fan-made translation exists on the internet, but a full remake would make my nerd heart skip with joy.