Eight Hot Tips For Up-And-Coming Lesbian Porno Directors
Advice from real life lesbians!
Blue Is The Warmest Color has just become the first French film in 46 years — and the first gay film ever — to win the top honour at Cannes Film Festival: The Palme d’Or. Directed by Abdellatif Kechiche, the film debuted at the festival on Thursday night to an insane amount of buzz; it was called “absolutely astonishing“; “a beautiful, wise, erotic, devastating love story” and “nothing less than a triumph“.
But much of the media hoopla was focused, unsurprisingly , on the film’s copious, highly explicit, intensely erotic and confrontingly realistic lesbian sex scenes. The first is close to ten minutes long, and comes “replete with fingering, licking, and, as a friend called it, ‘impressive scissoring'”, according to Vulture. But as Observer points out, the movie gets away with it, because “the explicit scenes never really feel pornographic.”
‘What’s that?’ you say shocked as you scratch your beard, because you are probably a man. ‘There’s a difference between real lesbian sex and pornographic lesbian sex? They have been lying to us this whole time?!’
Yes, sir, they have. To prove it, here’s a YouTube clip of actual lesbians responding to lesbian porn, and not getting turned on even in the slightest. (via DaveyWavey.tv/Reddit)
EIGHT WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LESBIAN PORNO MORE BELIEVABLE
(According to real life lesbians)
1. File down their nails.
“Mistake Number One when making lesbian porn? Don’t use straight girls that have fake nails. It will rip the vagina.”
2. “Tit spitting” is not a thing.
“Spit tits? I am not familiar with this practice, the spitting of the tits.”
3. Less is more.
“It’s too many fingers!”
4. Don’t make them call each other “bitch”.
“That’s not sexy at all.”
5. Girls need consistency
“You have to have a specific motion. I like to think of circles and shapes when I need specific motion.”
6. Not even lesbians want to have a shoe inside their vagina.
“There is – the entire shoe is going into a vagina.”
7. And they especially won’t want to lick it afterwards.
“Oh yeah that’s so sexy, you’re licking that sharp stiletto that’s also walked all around town, after you shoved it up your vagina to catch another STD.”
“She’s deep-throating the heel. That’s how you know it’s for men.”
8. In fact if you want to have believable lesbians, stop putting so much inside them altogether.
“Most lesbians can’t even take that kind of penetration. Gold Star lesbians haven’t even been with a guy, so they don’t even like penetration that much. These are all straight girls, because they can take a lot of shit in their vagina.”