Dystopian Cities From The Movies, Ranked By Livability

Each year, a terrible time rolls around: the announcement of The Economist’s liveability rankings. Melbourne will rank highly, Sydney will launch a counter attack, Adelaide is just stoked to be on the show, Brisbane will grumble about the both of them, Perth will be three hours late to the party, and everybody else just wonders where their invitation is.

Since everybody seems to love squabbling about the liveability index, and since global box office results suggest they also love movies about dystopian futures, we thought: why not combine the two?

The notion of “liveability” in a dystopia is obviously, in essence, a huge cosmic joke, but we’ve nonetheless ranked these cities based on crucial factors like “likelihood of an unpleasant death” and “access to drinking water”*.

So with the latest dystopian film, Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials, upon us, here’s an authoritative list of dystopian cities, ranked from least to most liveable.

(*Rankings were devised based on a number of variables, edited highlights of which follow each listing.)

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#9: The Hunger Games — District 12

Okay sure, it looks like a great deal — what with all the Appalachian landscape and the hunting in the adjoining forest, and the Dorothea Lange-esque linen dresses, and the bread — but despite any whistle-while-you-work spin you might put on the District’s promise of a simpler life, the reality in Katniss Everdeen’s hometown is that if you don’t die from mining-related complications (a cave-in, an explosion, carcinogenic coal dust), chances are the Capitol thugs will turn up and beat you to death anyway.

Better luck in next year’s contest, Distric– oh.

Public Services And Transport: 10/100 (see if you can find a mule to pull your cart that hasn’t been killed for someone’s dinner)

Arts And Culture: 25/100 (high incidence of whistling)

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#8: Children Of Men — London

The fact that you can still get a decent takeaway latte in London in 2027 after the fall of civilisation and the end of human fertility is a pretty big drawcard, sure. But the presence of literal cages full of refugees, frequent bombings, haunting visual references to Pink Floyd album covers, militant attacks on public transport, and the high likelihood that Michael Caine will force you to get high with him all count against London ‘27 in the liveability rankings.

Food And Drink: 75/100 (coffee and croissants still widely available)

Drugs And Alcohol: 75/100 (“Strawberry Cough” weed)

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#7: RoboCop — New Detroit

Motor City in the 2020s is a great place to be if you’re a high-flying corporate raider looking to make sweet bank c/o the prison industrial complex and all its associated fripperies: enforcement droids and cyborg cops.

But for those on the streets, the presence of psychotic criminals packing Cobra Assault Cannons and Remington 870s, the possibility of being caught in a tidal wave of toxic waste, and the general air of fascism means that — despite groovy concrete-centric interior design and the compelling possibility that American Jesus will come to your aid and offer you assault counselling after an abduction attempt in a parking lot — New Detroit finds itself in the lower echelons of liveability.

Political And Social Environment: 15/100 (police state, high crime, fascist corporate raiders)

Access To Cool Weapons: 95/100 (COBRA ASSAULT CANNONS)

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#6: Elysium — Los Angeles

Man, Los Angeles — seen here in 2154 — just can’t catch a break. The 1% have nicked off to the eponymous off-world colony (which, if you ask me, is the real dystopia, what with its complete absence of illness, death, crime, a working class, or a recognisable accent, and the overwhelming presence of Copperart-worthy imitation plants), and everybody else is left to fend for themselves amongst the Johnny-Cab-esque robo-bureaucrats of the 22nd century.

That said, at least dubstep still exists.

Consumer Goods: 75/100 (robots everywhere!)

Workplace Safety: 15/100 (robots everywhere!)

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#5: Mad Max: Fury Road — The Citadel

This is a tough one, because in a world driven mad by guzzoline before the water wars began, access (no matter how infrequent) to running water is a pretty big plus — and yes, there’s a big vegetable garden in there somewhere. That’s great, but there’s also the whole “run by a despotic overlord” thing, and the prevalence of post-apocalyptic health issues (buboes, tuberculosis, Angus Sampson being your surgeon).

But then again, Tom Hardy looking handsome, so… swings and roundabouts, I guess?

Socio-Cultural Environment: 65/100 (cool drumming performances most weeks)

Health And Safety: 20/100 (high chance of decapitation, immolation, vehicular misadventure)

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#4: Blade Runner — Los Angeles (2019)

Let’s face it: when it comes to dystopias, Los Angeles in 2019 is a pretty stylish city within which to live out your days in a smog-filled hellscape. It’s full of Frank Lloyd Wright buildings and flying billboards, and all the synthetic snakes and owls you could possibly wish for.

The downside: high likelihood of being either murdered by a psychotic replicant, or terminated by a Blade Runner if you, in fact, turn out to be one yourself.

Housing: 90/100 (take your pick from L.A’s tens of thousands of sky-rise apartment blocks!)

Transport: 80/100 (FLYING CARS)

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#3: Maze Runner — The Glade

If you can ignore the whole “surrounded by a terrifying maze populated by nightmarish slug monsters and put there as part of a shadowy and wildly unethical experiment” thing, The Glade is positively idyllic. There’s crops, and sunshine, and sweet birdsong, and grass, and kicky local slang, and only the faintest sense that everyone is probably going to die a lonely and horrific death inside the Maze!

Schools And Education: 20/100 (home-schooling based solely on the likelihood of death in the Maze)

Parks And Recreation: 85/100 (it’s a glade FFS)

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#2: Hell Comes To Frogtown — Frogtown

“In The Future, After The Big War”, life pretty much sucks. Sam Hell is one of the only fertile men left on Earth, and his day-to-day life basically involves kicking around Joshua Tree and occasionally being shocked in the nads by warrior nurse Spangle.

Once the crew get to Frogtown, on the other hand, the party really gets cranking! There are huge humanoid reptiles and amphibians, a nightclub with a neon cocktail glass sign (always a winner in liveability rankings), and, of course, Frogtown is where The Dance Of The Three Snakes occurs. Stick that in your “city of arts and culture” pipe and smoke it, Melbourne!

Natural Environment: 65/100 (it may be a desert, but WHAT a desert!)

Nightlife: 85/100 (cocktail lounges and strip clubs run by giant frogs)

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#1: Waterworld — The Atoll

I can’t be the only person who thought these floating cities looked kinda neat. (That’s a little in joke for those of you who remember Kevin Costner’s faux pas of telling Madonna he thought her show was “neat” in– oh, never mind.) Think about it: it’s basically Endless Summer in city form.

Yes, there’s the possibility you’ll be thrown into a brine pit for being a mutant (if you happen to be one), but everyone gets to wear cool dystopian macrame, not to mention the braids that make you look like your family just returned from a Kuta Kids-sponsored holiday in 1992. And you might even be able to pick up a potted tomato or a bag of dirt at the trading post. Everybody wins!

Recreation: 85/100 (swimming, jetskiing, catamarans, improvised weaponry)

Access To SPF 50+: 15/100 (the ice-caps melted five centuries ago, you do the maths)

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Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials is in cinemas now.

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Clem Bastow is an award-winning writer and critic with a focus on popular culture, gender politics, mental health, and weird internet humour. She’s on Twitter at @clembastow